“The biggest factor that contributes to a vulnerable identity is “all-or-nothing” thinking: I’m either competent or incompetent, good or evil, worthy of love or not. The primary peril of all-or-nothing thinking is that it leaves our identity extremely unstable, making us hypersensitive to feedback. When faced with negative information about ourselves, all-or-nothing thinking gives us only two choices for how to manage that information, both of which cause serious problems When faced with negative information about ourselves, all-or-nothing thinking gives us only two choices for how to manage that information, both of which cause serious problems.”
Source: Difficult Conversations 10th (tenth) edition Text Only
“Learning that you can’t control the other person’s reaction, and that it can be destructive to try, can be incredibly liberating. It not only gives the other person the space to react however they need to, but also takes a huge amount of pressure off you.”
Source: Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most
“And when you do ask, not everyone will come through for you, and that will be painful. But many people will. And by trusting them enough to ask, you offer them an extraordinary opportunity to do something important for someone they care about. Then one day, you may have the opportunity to return the favor.”
Source: Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most
“The key to self-compassion is not to deny suffering, but to recognize that it’s perfectly normal. There isn’t anything wrong with the imperfection of life as long as we don’t expect it to be other than it is.”
Source: Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself
“Negative emotions are not the real villain; rather, it is when the person chooses avoidance and isolation to cope with the negative emotions that bigger problems are likely to arise. Essentially, the person is taking a step back from the world around them, including both the stressful things (difficulty with paying bills after job loss) and potentially healthy things (support from family members after losing a loved one) in their life. The more someone pulls away, the worse they feel; and, the worse they feel, the more they want to pull away. This is when avoidance takes over. In fact, over time the avoidance and negative emotions eventually become so severe that although the initial event or reason for the initial avoidance may have become a little unclear (perhaps you’ve gotten over the breakup with your boyfriend), the cycle of negative emotions and avoidance continues, each reinforcing the other (so you don’t start dating again, you avoid friends with or without significant relationships, and you don’t bother going downtown any more, all leading to increased depression and loneliness).”
Source: Overcoming Avoidance Workbook: Break the Cycle of Isolation and Avoidant Behaviors to Reclaim Your Life from Anxiety, Depression, or PTSD
“You say to yourself, I can’t back out of this. I will just HAVE to do it. No matter how awful I feel, I’m gonna get through this. This is going to be terrible. Unfortunately, most of the time, this is a formula for ensuring that anticipatory anxiety wins the battle. One of two things will happen. Either, as you get closer to the actual event, your anxiety skyrockets, and you decide to cancel anyway. Or, you do go, but your experience leading up to the event is such an ordeal that, no matter how it goes or how you do, the misery of anticipation becomes vividly embedded in your memory. And your experience of anticipatory anxiety usurps the memory of the actual event, so you feel no better the next time.”
Source: Overcoming Anticipatory Anxiety: A CBT Guide for Moving past Chronic Indecisiveness, Avoidance, and Catastrophic Thinking
“The dusky moments awaken what is promising, that there can be colors in a colorless landscape and endings can open the door to new beginnings.”
“The shame of being yourself is really the shame of being different.”
Source: NO ONE KNOWS ME: The Inner Child Edition
“In a world that celebrates your ability to fit in, every time you stand out from the crowd with your true self and your authentic way of thinking, you're bound to be shamed for being different.”
Source: NO ONE KNOWS ME: The Inner Child Edition
“When my trust was suspended from the fragile thread of justice
and in the whole city
they were chopping up my heart's lanterns
when they would blindfold me
with the dark handkerchief of Law
and from my anxious temples of desire
fountains of blood would squirt out
when my life had become nothing
nothing
but the tic-tac of a clock,
I discovered
I must
must
must love,
insanely.”