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Quote by Bill Maher

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The New New Rules: A Funny Look at How Everybody but Me Has Their Head Up Their Ass

This book offers a satirical perspective on contemporary social behaviors and expectations, exploring the author's unique observations and commentary on the ways in which others may appear to be out of touch or overly concerned with trivial matters while the author maintains a different viewpoint. more

Author

Bill Maher
Bill Maher

Bill Maher is an American comedian, political commentator, and television host. Known for his sharp political satire and humor, he is best recognized for hosting ABC's 'Politically Incorrect'. Born on January 20, 1956, Maher's career spans television, film, and stage performances, as well as writing and producing. more

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“I know not what storms still await me, but looking back, I sense in my heart an involuntary joy. Seeing many waves, through which my soul had to navigate, I am unexpectedly overjoyed. Heavy winds focused in on my soul; many unseen rocks awaited her, threatened her salvation, and still I survived. By human reckoning I should have died long ago. I am convinced that I was led by the strange and difficult paths of the inscrutable Providence of God; I am convinced that He stands watch over me as if holding my hand by His Almighty right hand. I submit myself to Him! May He lead me whither He wills; may He lead me, as He wishes, to a calm harbor, "where there is no sickness, nor sorrow, nor sighing.”

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“I was afraid of anyone in a costume. A trip to see Santa might as well have been a trip to sit on Hitler's lap for all the trauma it would cause me. Once, when I was four, my mother and I were in a Sears and someone wearing an enormous Easter Bunny costume headed my way to present me with a chocolate Easter egg. I was petrified by this nightmarish six-foot-tall bipedal pink fake-fur monster with human-sized arms and legs and a soulless, impassive face heading toward me. It waved halfheartedly as it held a piece of candy out in an evil attempt to lure me into its clutches. Fearing for my life, I pulled open the bottom drawer of a display case and stuck my head inside, the same way an ostrich buries its head in the sand. This caused much hilarity among the surrounding adults, and the chorus of grown-up laughter I heard echoing from within that drawer only added to the horror of the moment. Over the next several years, I would run away in terror from a guy in a gorilla suit whose job it was to wave customers into a car wash, a giant Uncle Sam on stilts, a midget dressed like a leprechaun, an astronaut, the Detroit Tigers mascot, Ronald McDonald, Big Bird, Bozo the Clown, and every Mickey Mouse, Minnie Mouse, Donald Duck, Pluto, Chip and Dale, Uncle Scrooge, and Goofy who walked the streets at Disneyland. Add to this an irrational fear of small dogs that saw me on more than one occasion fleeing in terror from our neighbor's four-inch-high miniature dachschund as if I were being chased by the Hound of the Baskervilles and a chronic case of germ phobia, and it's pretty apparent that I was--what some of the less politically correct among us might call--a first-class pussy.”

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“They sat on fold-up beach chairs and were talking about polio. The older ones, like his grandmother, had lived through the city's 1916 epidemic and were lamenting the fact that in the intervening years science had been unable to find a cure for the disease or come up with an idea of how to prevent it. Look at Weequahic, they said, as clean and sanitary as any section in the city, and it's the worst hit. There was talk, somebody said, of keeping the colored cleaning women from coming to the neighborhood for fear that they carried the polio germs up from the slums. Somebody else said that in his estimation the disease was spread by money, by paper money passing from hand to hand. The important thing, he said, was always to wash your hands after you handled paper money or coins. What about the mail, someone else said, you don't think it could be spread by the mail? What are you going to do, somebody retorted, suspend delivering the mail? The whole city would come to a halt.”

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“Paige claimed my toothbrush!” I complained to no one in particular. “I forgot to pack my own,” Paige replied defensively, “not that I have one. I haven’t brushed my teeth in months, Tess, I ran away, remember? So I deserve it.” “You could use mine,” Jayden called, only half sarcastic. “What makes you think that has any potential to be a solution? And just because we’re dating now doesn’t mean there’s no such thing as germs!” I called back.”

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