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Hiding In The Light: Understanding Avoidant Personality Disorder

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Dr. Sandra Smith-Hanen

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“Over the years, the significant other can come to feel shame, even though this was not part of their coping mechanisms. Shame can therefore be used by the significant other. Either consciously or unconsciously, they may use shame in interaction with the AVP. Part of this is due to the fact that the significant other fears being guilty (hurting the AVP). When communication becomes more and more difficult in relationships, shame increases in both partners. The other may find that, without using shame, the AVP doesn’t respond in any meaningful way: What is wrong with you? One of the major struggles of the partner of the AVP is in the area of whether they need to hold the AVP responsible for his or her actions. This is a truly difficult piece for the spouse. They have a sense that the AVP is not deliberately trying to hurt them. June often is confused. She doesn’t know if Doug is understanding the hurt he is inflicting.”

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Book:Hiding In The Light: Understanding Avoidant Personality Disorder
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“These scenarios are repeated over and over again in daily living. The spouse feels anger, frustration, and confusion. They ask for a different approach, but usually, over years, it ends up in a hopeless state of confusion. AVPs state they love their spouse, but the question remains for them: To what end? The spouses would like their life to be different, but often they end up in stagnation.”

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“The lighthouse was called The Longing. Pitched amidst tessellations of rock black as coke, thrashed for over a hundred years by disconsolate squalls, it needled upwards, spine-straight, a white bolt locking earth, sky, and ocean together. It was lovely in its decrepitude, feathery paint gnawed off by north winds and rust-blazed window frames signatures of use and purpose. -The Lighthouse Witches, C.J. Cooke”

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Book:The Lighthouse Witches
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“Don't tell me you believe in ghosts, Finn.' 'Ghosts, not exactly. Traces, yeah. Sort of.' 'Traces?' 'Here's my theory. Everything is energy. We all leave something behind. Now, there's folk who'll swear on their granny's last breath that they've seen a ghost. And I reckon some of them have. Or rather, they've seen traces of a past energy.' ... Finn was talking with his hands now, trying to make some sense. 'We think that time moves forward, in a linear fashion. Yeah? But sometimes you get deja vu, or there's some mad coincidence that you can't explain. I think time doesn't move in a linear fashion, but in a spiral, and sometimes there's echoes from the past. And a ghost is just an echo of someone.”

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Book:The Lighthouse Witches
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