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Quote by St. John Morris

“He had also spent a day and a half without sleep trying to start an online petition to bring back the advert for Nationwide Building Society which said Dunroamin, twice, but half the through the second day of the campaign he had realised that it was an anachronism and the internet was about fourteen years away from mass consumption, so he stopped and went to sleep.”

Quote by St. John Morris

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St. John Morris

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“Oh yeah, well I suddenly realises that she’d only been with my boyfriend at the Co-op Christmas do when I were eighteen. So I grabs her head and I stuck it through a display of them Muller’s rices and I told her. That’s for shagging Kevin Cooper you stupid fucking cunt.”

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Book:The Bizarre Letters of St John Morris

Source: The Bizarre Letters of St John Morris

“A personal assistant is always the first move in a new business. They are like the queen on a chess board. They can go in any direction, and play any role as the move demands.”

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“Had the facial plumage been of a paler hue it would have looked like a pile of horse crap on a winter’s day.”

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Book:The Bizarre Letters of St John Morris

Source: The Bizarre Letters of St John Morris

“This particular event had been somewhat more raucous than usual as Derek Jameson had just lost an arm wrestle with Ann Diamond. The match was the second semi-final of the morning after Belinda Carlisle had been pipped at the post by Rusty Lee. Carlisle had caused some consternation after, upset at losing and forfeiting the chance to compete for the first prize of a quarter of midget gems, she had spat port in Lee’s handbag. Carlisle had been asked to leave and, after a brief tussle, had been ejected from the building whilst screaming and spitting in Simon Parkin’s face.”

Comedy Humour Satire Surreal Non Sequitur

Book:The Bizarre Letters of St John Morris

Source: The Bizarre Letters of St John Morris

“Eunice had deposited St John upon the balcony of the first-floor apartment of former Liberal MP, The Rt. Hon. Leonard Cossins, the disgraced Lord Mayor of Mitchell-Baines who had been removed from office having been caught administering counterfeit buttercup syrup to the local yeomanry whilst on a hunting trip to Stoke-Poges.”

Comedy Humour Satire Surreal Non Sequitur

Book:The Bizarre Letters of St John Morris

Source: The Bizarre Letters of St John Morris

“Beetroot Cossins had moved to Kuala Lumpur where she had died of lethargy and pie.”

Comedy Humour Satire Surreal Non Sequitur

Author:St. John Morris

“Her protestations were drowned out by the sound of Gordon Honeycomb barfing up aftershock into the kitchenette sink.”

Comedy Humour Satire Surreal Non Sequitur

Book:The Bizarre Letters of St John Morris

Source: The Bizarre Letters of St John Morris

“I once went to one of his Virgin Vie parties and had a really good time watching Chas having a paddy whilst trying to put on Dave’s socks, before realising that he only had two feet, compared to Dave’s three.”

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Book:The Bizarre Letters of St John Morris

Source: The Bizarre Letters of St John Morris

“There was Arctic John, a businessman from Salisbury who doesn’t hold water, Bruce Knott, a social worker from Cumberland who spends his lunch hour picking his bum, and Judith Glycerine, the reformation pig.”

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“Private Benjamin lives next door but one to Bob Cryer from The Bill. I once saw him crouching down behind a sycamore tree and using his nose as an Allen Key to release a starving rat.”

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Author:St. John Morris