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Dear Evil Stepmother: A Wicked Little Handbook for the Women Fairy Tales Got Dead Wrong

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Veronica Fishbane

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“You have come out of the darkness into the light, you are ecstatically happy, but that is only part of the story, because you will go back into the darkness, you will be sad, you will be afraid, but that is only part of the story! The light will shine on you again, but now you will not be ecstatically happy, because now you know that stories often change, they will change!”

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“I want to say this to every stepmother: take it a little easier, try not to be so insistent, try not to have your desires dominate—and not just with the stepchildren, but with your husband, your family, your friends. The moment you step back from whatever it is that exasperates you, you get an unrestricted view of the situation—and you can take a breath before you move forward.”

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“For the first time, I was truly afraid. ‘Guruji,’ said Gaaz quite quietly – his face only inches from mine – ‘we’re gonna die. We are, aren’t we?’ He’s right, I thought. We probably are. But then again—what are we? We are GURKHAS! ‘KAPHAR HUNNU BHANDA MARNU RAMRO!’ I shouted. ‘KAPHAR HUNNU BHANDA MARNU RAMRO!’ Nagen yelled in reply. ‘KAPHAR HUNNU BHANDA MARNU RAMRO!’ Gaaz shouted at the top of his voice. This is the Gurkha motto. ‘It is better to die than be a coward.”

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“B2FH traces these various fusion reactions and explains the recipe for producing everything up to iron: it’s nothing less than evolution for elements.”

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“You did your best to be a good student. You chopped and cooked and measured and served according to her wishes. But sometimes you wondered if the stall could stand to be upgraded with modern comfort food. With pandan ensaymada instead of the increasingly popular but also growingly common ube, the fresh bread from the oven and the cheese still melting, sweetly fragrant from the infusion of those steeped leaves and as simple as a summer morning. Or chopped watermelons in bulalo soup to replace tomatoes, for that extra tang. Or even pork adobo, but with chili and sweet pineapples. You had so many ideas.”

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“Before long our entire table was covered in food: an earthenware ramekin of pearly-pink prawns bathed in garlic butter; translucent, paper-thin slices of cured ham fanned out on the plate; tortilla espanola with nuggets of potato and sweet onion; candy-stripe beets studded with goat cheese and almond slivers; slow-cooked short ribs almost silky in their tenderness; thick chorizo stew.”

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