Chanel Miller Books & Quotes

“I always like to say "be the Swede". Show up for the vulnerable, do your part, help each other and face the darkest parts alongside survivors.”

Courage Survival Helping Others Sexual Assault Speaking Out

Author:Chanel Miller

“Whenever I hear a survivor say they wish they'd had the courage to come forward, I instinctively shake my head. It was never about your courage. Fear of retaliation is real. Security is not free. It bothered me that coming forward should feel like heading toward a guillotine. I don't think most survivors want to live in hiding. We do because silence means safety. Openness means retaliation. Which means it's not the telling of the stories that we fear, it's what people will do when we tell our stories.”

Courage Sexual Assault Sexual Violence

Book:Know My Name

Source: Know My Name

“I wonder if there is a time in every woman's life when she feels like swallowing stones. Perhaps she wonders why her period is late or wakes up in an unfamiliar bed, or comes across a list of her body parts neatly divided into numbers. Does it make her want to swallow stones? Large, smooth ones, gulping them down. I imagine them settling into my stomach, a pile, then walking into a pond, not to die, but to sink the body, while only my spirit emerges from the water. Much cleaner, I could start over, unencumbered.”

Women Survival

Book:Know My Name

Source: Know My Name

“My advocate called to tell me she'd received a job as a counselor at a university and would be moving away [...] After we hung up, I was hit by a moment of sadness, reminded that in life, people moved on. That's what you do, that's what was supposed to happen.”

Life Sadness Moving On

Book:Know My Name

Source: Know My Name

“Victims are often, automatically, accused of lying. But when a perpetrator is exposed for lying, the stigma doesn't stick. Why is that we're wary of vctims making false accusations, but rarely consider how many men have blatanly lied about, downplayed, or manipulated others to cover their own actions?”

Lies Victims Double Standards

Book:Know My Name

Source: Know My Name

“Victims are often, automatically, accused of lying. But when a perpetrator is exposed for lying, the stigma doesn't stick. Why is that we're wary of victims making false accusations, but rarely consider how many men have blatantly lied about, downplayed, or manipulated others to cover their own actions?”

Lies Victims Double Standards

Book:Know My Name

Source: Know My Name

“From grief, confidence has grown, remembering what I have endured. From anger, stemmed purpose. To tuck them away would mean to neglect the most valuable tools this experience has given me.”

Emotions

Book:Know My Name

Source: Know My Name

“If ever I was distraught or heartbroken, my mom would always say, Go read history. Her solution for everything. For so long I believed history was a thick book you carried around in your backpack, not something you could create. It was one hour in an air-conditioned portable classroom after lunch, watching Civil War reenactments.... It'd take me a long time to realize history is happening now, and we are a part of it. ...History shows you what people have endured before you...History shows that if you were in the minority, if no one believed you, it didn't mean you were wrong. Rather, it meant society was slow to catch up to you. And if those in the minority did not buckle, did not give up their truths, the world would shift below their feet.”

Truth History Society

Book:Know My Name

Source: Know My Name

“There was another line of argument that nagged at me: the suggestion that boys simply could not help themselves. As if he never had a choice. I have told each of my girls heading off to college: If you walk in front of a semi truck expect to get hit. Don't walk in front of a semi. If you go to a frat party expect to get drunk, drugged and raped. Don't go to a frat party. You went to a frat and got assaulted? What did you expect? I'd heard this in college, freshman girls in frats compared to sheep in a slaughterhouse. I understand you are not supposed to walk into a lion's den because you could be mauled. But lions are wild animals. And boys are people, they have minds, live in a society with laws. Groping others was not a natural reflex, biologically built in. It was a cognitive action they were capable of controlling. It seemed once you submitted to walking through fraternity doors, all laws and regulation ceased. They were not asked to adhere to the same rules, yet there were countless guidelines women had to follow: cover your drink, stick close to others, don't wear short skirts. Their behavior was the constant, while we were the variable expected to change. When did it become our job to do all the preventing and managing? And if houses existed where many young girls were getting hurt, shouldn't we hold the guys in these houses to a higher standard, instead of reprimanding the girls? Why was passing out considered more reprehensible than fingering the passed-out person?”

Society Trauma Rape

Book:Know My Name

Source: Know My Name

“Some called it a witch hunt, said she’s after him. I ask, starting when. Mark the day. Trace it back. I can almost guarantee that after the assault she tried to live her life. Ask her what she did the next day and she’d say, well, I went to work. She didn’t pick up a pitchfork, hire a lawyer. She made her bed, buttoned up her shirt, took shower after shower. She tried to believe she was unchanged, to move on until her legs gave out. Every woman who spoke out did so because she hit a point where she could no longer live another day in the life she tried to build. So she turned, slowly, back around to face it. Society thinks we live to come after him. When in fact, we live to live. That’s it. He upended that life, and we tried to keep going, but couldn’t. Each time a survivor resurfaced, people were quick to say what does she want, why did it take her so long, why now, why not then, why not faster. But damage does not stick to deadlines. If she emerges, why don’t we ask her how it was possible she lived with that hurt for so long, ask who taught her to never uncover it.”

Pain Society Victim Trauma Survivor Rape Sexual Assault Know My Name Chanel Miller

Book:Know My Name

Source: Know My Name

“As a woman, I'd tried asserting my opinion without coming off as overcontrolling. So I repressed pissed-off victim. Now I wondered if I had handled it too gracefully, my composure a signal that what he'd done was of little consequence.”

Feminism

Book:Know My Name

Source: Know My Name

“When I listened to her, I understood: You have to hold out to see how your life unfolds, because it is most likely beyond what you can imagine. It is not a question of if you will survive this, but what beautiful things await you when you do. I had to believe her, because she was living proof. Then she said, Good and bad things come from the universe holding hands. Wait for the good to come.”

Hope Survivors Waiting For Hope

Book:Know My Name

Source: Know My Name

“I always wondered why survivors understood other survivors so well. Why, even if the details of our attacks vary, survivors can lock eyes and get it without having to explain. Perhaps it is not the particulars of the assault itself that we have in common, but the moment after; the first time you are left alone. Something slipping out of you. Where did I go. What was taken. It is terror swallowed inside silence. An unclipping from the world where up was up and down was down.”

Assault Sexual Assault

Book:Know My Name

Source: Know My Name

“How do you come after me, when it is all of us? One of the greatest dangers of victimhood is the singling out; all of your attributes and anecdotes assigned blame. In court they’ll try to make you believe you are unlike the others, you are different, an exception. You are dirtier, more stupid, more promiscuous. But it’s a trick. The assault is never personal, the blaming is.”

Solidarity Assault Victims The Lie Of Blame

Book:Know My Name

Source: Know My Name

“Trauma was refusing to adhere to any schedule, didn’t seem to align itself with time. Some days it was distant as a star and other days it could wholly engulf me.”

Trauma Assault

Book:Know My Name

Source: Know My Name

“I wanted to explain that Chanel’s social life was healthy and well populated, but it was lonely being Emily Doe, my world much smaller, a shrunken circle of confidants. I wondered how it happened that I was now spending more time with my rapist than my friends.”

Court Assault Rape Sexual Assault Know My Name Chanel Miller Emily Doe

Book:Know My Name

Source: Know My Name

“This book does not have a happy ending. The happy part is there is no ending, because I’ll always find a way to keep going.”

Survivor Rape Sexual Assault Know My Name

Book:Know My Name

Source: Know My Name

“If you get through this night, you are promised to survive all the days ahead.”

Night Hope Depression Trauma Survivor Rape Sexual Assault Know My Name Chanel Miller

Book:Know My Name

Source: Know My Name

“Being questioned by the defense was stifling. He didn’t want to open up the emotional territory that she (the DA) did; he wanted to smother it, to erase my specific experience, abstract me into stereotypes of partying and blackouts, to ask technical questions that tied my shoelaces together, tripping me as he forced me to run.”

Court Rape Know My Name Chanel Miller

Book:Know My Name

Source: Know My Name

“I am not sure exactly what healing is or looks like, what form it comes in, what it should feel like. I do know that when I was four I could not lift a gallon of milk, could not believe how heavy it was, that white sloshing boulder. I'd pull up a wooden chair to stand over the counter, pouring milk with two shaking arms, wetting the cereal, spilling. Looking back I don't remember the day I lifted it with ease. All I know is now I do it without thinking, can do it one-handed, on the phone, in a rush. I believe the same rules apply, that one day I'll be able to tell this story without it shaking my foundation, Each time will not require an entire production, a spilling, a sweating forehead, a mess to clean up, sopping paper towels. It will just be part of my life, every day lighter to lift.”

Healing Personal Story

Book:Know My Name

Source: Know My Name

“There have been numerous times I have not brought up my case because I do not want to upset anybody or spoil the mood. Because I want to preserve your comfort...You will find society asking you for the happy ending, saying come back when you're better, when what you say can make us feel good, when you have something more uplifting, affirming. ...I've found that victims identify more with pain than platitudes. When I write about weakness, about how I am barely getting through this, my hope is that they feel better, because it aligns with the truth they are living...I write because the most healing words I have been given are It's okay not to be okay...”

Writing Healing Personal Story

Book:Know My Name

Source: Know My Name

“I'd heard about heartbreak in songs, but holy shit, damn. There should be a name for that feeling...How to exist without this person?... I remember people always telling me ne there are other fish in the sea, and I said, Yes, that's where they fucking are.”

Love Hate Relationships Fate Crime Men And Women Parents And Children

Book:Know My Name

Source: Know My Name

“The probation officer had given my input a single paragraph. She had taken my words but constructed her own sentences, shaving all context away. I just want him to get better, it said. She gave me a voice of forgiveness and submission, the agony neatly paved over. She'd reduced my suffering to the line, I don't experience joy from this. She'd drawn her own conclusion: He doesn't need to be behind bars. This woman, who had been absent for the entire battle, had arrived to take the victory away.”

Love Hate Relationships Fate Crime Men And Women Parents And Children

Book:Know My Name

Source: Know My Name

“We'd gotten an arrest, a guilty verdict, the small percentage that gets the conviction. It was time to see what justice looked like. We threw open the doors, and there was nothing. It took the breath out of me.”

Love Hate Relationships Fate Crime Men And Women Parents And Children

Book:Know My Name

Source: Know My Name

“One of the greatest dangers of victimhood is the singling out; all of your attributes and anecdotes assigned blame. In court they'll try to make you believe you are unlike the others, you are different, an exception. You are dirtier, more stupid, more promiscuous. But it's a rick. The assault is never personal, the blaming is.”

Love Hate Relationships Fate Crime Men And Women Parents And Children

Book:Know My Name

Source: Know My Name

“One of the greatest dangers of victimhood is the singling out; all of your attributes and anecdotes assigned blame. In court they'll try to make you believe you are unlike the others, you are different, an exception. You are dirtier, more stupid, more promiscuous. But it's a trick. The assault is never personal, the blaming is.”

Love Hate Relationships Fate Crime Men And Women Parents And Children

Book:Know My Name

Source: Know My Name

“Brock said he'd failed to tell the detective so many crucial details upon his initial arrest[ed] ...my mind was going a million miles an hour, and it was impossible for me to think clearly about what happened. Meanwhile victims are always expected to think clearly, we don't get to use fear as an excuse.”

Love Hate Relationships Fate Crime Men And Women Parents And Children

Book:Know My Name

Source: Know My Name

“The officer claimed he'd been scared, had reason to believe Philando was reaching for his gun. Show me that scenario. A man seated with a trunk full of melting groceries, wearing a thin layer of cotton, a little girl in the backseat. About to whip out his gun, shoot through the cop's bulletproof vest, to be his own getaway driver? Why would Philando shoot an innocent man withing forty seconds of meeting him? Why would the officer?”

Love Hate Relationships Fate Crime Men And Women Parents And Children Black Lives Matter

Book:Know My Name

Source: Know My Name

“When you say go to the police, what do you envision?...the police will move on to other cases while the victim is left in the agonizing, protracted judicial process, where she will be made to question, and then forget, who she is. You were physically attacked? Here's some information on how you can enter a multiyear process of verbal abuse.”

Love Hate Relationships Fate Crime Men And Women Parents And Children

Book:Know My Name

Source: Know My Name

“When I was given the opportunity to write this book, whatever God is up there said, You got your dream. I said, Actually I was hoping for a lighter topic, and God was like, Ha ha! You thought you got to choose.”

Love Hate Relationships Fate Crime Men And Women Parents And Children

Book:Know My Name

Source: Know My Name

“...a spider and a centipede having tea. The centipede gets up and offers to go buy snacks. He goes out the door and hours pass, The spider is so hungry, wondering what happened, and opens the door, only to find the centipede sitting on the doormat, still putting on his shoes. I imagine myself the centipede, struggling to tie each of my hundred tiny shoes, it takes me longer to get going than most. But I will put on shoe after shoe after shoe until I can get up and go again.”

Time Whatever It Takes

Book:Know My Name

Source: Know My Name

“Stanford was offering $150,000 total, which would cover therapy for my sister and me for a handful of years. Victims receive heat when given any sum. Few acknowledge that healing is costly. That we should be allocating more funds for victims, for therapy, extra security, potential moving costs, getting back on their feel, buying something as simple as court clothes. As Michele pointed out, Preventing assault is so much cheaper than trying to address it after the fact.”

Sexual Assault Stanford

Book:Know My Name

Source: Know My Name

“I began avoiding certain streets. If I was spoken to going one way, I’d come back a different way, and found myself winding around many blocks. I trained myself to tuck my head down, avoiding eye contact, feigning invisibility. Instead of strolling looking up at the trees, I walked with unwavering conviction, or stared down at my feet. Once a man started walking next to me and said, Can I walk with you? I began walking faster. Let me walk with you. As his feet kept pace with mine, I just shook my head, my hands gripping the handles of my backpack, waiting for him to fall back. Some men would be offended when I didn’t respond, one man saying, I’m just trying to start your day right. But the compliments didn’t feel like compliments when my body language communicated I didn’t want to be looked at, didn’t want to be spoken to. They didn’t feel like gifts when they were thrown at me or whispered so only I could hear. Every comment translated into, I like what I see and I want it. But I don’t want it, I don’t want it, I thought.”

Compliments Unwanted Advances

Book:Know My Name

Source: Know My Name

“Since no photos of me were published, I was curious about what photos would accompany the articles; a silhouette of a girl looking out a window, a teardrop on a cheek, duct tape over her mouth. All of this was accurate, in terms of the solitude, the silencing. But the incredible thing is that a victim is also the smiling girl in a green apron making your coffee, she just handed you your change. She just taught a class of first-graders. She has her headphones in, tapping her foot on the subway. Victims are all around you.”

Victim Victims Rape Survivor Rape Survivors

Book:Know My Name

Source: Know My Name

“When society questions a victim's reluctance to report, I will be here to remind you that you ask us to sacrifice our sanity to fight outdated structures that were designed to keep us down...The real question we need to be asking is not, Why didn't she report, the question is, Why would you?”

Justice Rape Victims

Book:Know My Name

Source: Know My Name

“The first time we came into the laundromat, my dad threw my stuffed dog, Otto, into a washing machine with all of our clothes, and I started screaming. I thought it would kill him, all the hot water and bubbles, I really thought that. Any my dad just gripped my arm and said, "How can you be so stupid? It's not real, it's a toy, it's not real." Over and over again, he said that. And I cried for hours, couldn't stop, even though my dad was furious. I was sure Otto was dead.”

Love Hate Fate Childhood Parents And Children

Book:Magnolia Wu Unfolds It All

Source: Magnolia Wu Unfolds It All

“Victims exist in a society that tell us our purpose is to be an inspiring story. But sometimes the best we can do is tell you we're still here, and that should be enough. Denying darkness does not bring anyone closer to the light.”

Light Dark

Author:Chanel Miller

Chanel Miller Books

Know My Name

Magnolia Wu Unfolds It All

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