Dylan Callens Biography & Quotes

“Though he was gone, Stairway to Heaven lingered in the gentle breeze. Sartre and Freya, while holding hands, began to sway back and forth until they found themselves wrapped in each other’s arms. Starting in Gimli, everyone followed their lead. Soon, across the whole world, and like the last song at a high school homecoming in the late 70s, people slow danced with each other.”

High School Dances

Book:Operation Cosmic Teapot

Source: Operation Cosmic Teapot

“So, he eagerly drove from Basel to Bayreuth before the festival began to watch the last rehearsals of The Ring Cycle. As he watched, it hit him like Odin's bowel movement: the opera was shit.”

Nietzsche Wagner The Ring Cycle

Book:Operation Cosmic Teapot

Source: Operation Cosmic Teapot

“Through the rainbow he was brave, Although blood, he did not crave. But Vikings, blood they should want. Heads as trophies, they should flaunt. But from behind, little Jimmy was run through, A puddle of blood grew and grew. So when Jimmy fell, My tears they did swell. And I cried. And I cried.” While there was scattered applause, most people just looked at him, confused. The poem was terrible. Heimdall knew it. The crowd knew it.”

Heimdall Bad Poetry

Book:Operation Cosmic Teapot

Source: Operation Cosmic Teapot

“Loki shook his head in the darkness. That’s confusing, he thought, “And what is a Pennsylvania?” “It's a large region of land. They say that this is where revolutions begin and nations are born. They say that this is a place where steel rules all and there is something called a cheese-steak sandwich that is supposed to be manna from heaven!”

Pennsylvania Cheese Steak

Book:Operation Cosmic Teapot

Source: Operation Cosmic Teapot

“A few years later I learned that she had a kid. I did the math and came to the obvious conclusion that I was the dad. But she never tried to contact me. Instead, she told people that the birth of her son was a miracle. A virgin birth. The strangest thing is that people believed her!” God shook his head in disbelief.”

Virgin Birth

Book:Operation Cosmic Teapot

Source: Operation Cosmic Teapot

“Alarmed, Odin announced, “This thing says Mazda on it!” The group took a close look at the decal on the back of the car. Thor brought his war hammer over his head, “What is it? Can I smash it?” Odin put his hand up, “No, wait. I don't think that this is a god. Look, there are others named Mazda, too. I think these are used to transport people.”

Thor Odin Mazda

Book:Operation Cosmic Teapot

Source: Operation Cosmic Teapot

“Bullshit!” Thor shouted at the stage, causing the actor playing Estelle to look at the audience. Thor added, “Just leave. Be done with this nightmare of a play! Goddamn cowards!”

Thor No Exit

Book:Operation Cosmic Teapot

Source: Operation Cosmic Teapot

“Yam raised an army of sea creatures designed to march on Mount Aqraa, to destroy Baal. He created some of the craziest monstrosities every seen: lobsters rode four-legged tuna like proud cavalry, sword fish infantry marched onward in perfect step, biped whales thundered towards the mountain, while winged sharks provided air support. An elite group of electric eel assassins were armed with both their innate ability to shock in melee combat and throwing star fish for long range skirmishes.”

Holy Wars

Book:Operation Cosmic Teapot

Source: Operation Cosmic Teapot

“Mazda [Ahura] checked his phone and quickly received the message, “Neat,” he cracked a half smile, “I think I like Twitter.”

Twitter Mazda

Book:Operation Cosmic Teapot

Source: Operation Cosmic Teapot

“I ain't never heardin' of a place called Odin.” Now Mazda knew. Hillbilly. A fucking hillbilly. If there was one thing that Mazda disliked more than Greeks, it was hillbillies. He grabbed the slack-jawed yokel by the throat and lifted him off the ground, “Not a place. A who.” The man had a difficult time speaking, “Awho? Who's Awho? Is he at Odin?”

Mazda Hillbillies

Book:Operation Cosmic Teapot

Source: Operation Cosmic Teapot

“The hatred that I harbored for Lou and Paul faded into the background. The cold, lonely mountains which once filled my mouth and mind with the madness of Zarathustra shifted into a lithium passivity. Even Wagner was nothing more than a jester for some cathartic writing, allowing me to purge the bales of contempt that I had for the man.”

Hatred Purging

Book:Operation Cosmic Teapot

Source: Operation Cosmic Teapot

“Why don't you come down that hall with me,” she asked, “Let me show you something that you probably haven't seen before.” Nietzsche nodded again. He didn't understand what was happening but he knew that it was something he wanted. So they stood up. She led him to a room at the end of the hall by his hand. And soon after, she gave him syphilis.”

Nietzsche Syphilis

Book:Operation Cosmic Teapot

Source: Operation Cosmic Teapot

“Nietzsche felt like Rommel, hiding behind The Cauldron at Gazala – waiting and biding his time while his enemies took their shots, holding his position. The impenetrable defense took down tank after tank until the enemy couldn’t fight any more. Then, a quick attack was mounted and Rommel took Torbuk in a single day. He chased the British to Egypt. That’s where Nietzsche was right now, mounting his offensive, ready to chase both God and the Norse. Oh, how he wanted vengeance on both fronts.”

Nietzsche Rommel

Book:Operation Cosmic Teapot

Source: Operation Cosmic Teapot

Dylan Callens Biography

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