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“Rays of sunshine beamed through the narrow slit at the top of the canyon walls and straight down into the deep shadows of the caverns. It pierced the darkness and, in some strange, fantastical way, the two seemed to make one another more beautiful. The dark and light complemented each other, not in the way that the right shoes complement an appropriately suited outfit, but in the way that life complements death. Without one, you simply can’t have the other. Maybe God was doing something like that in my life, too?”
Source: Pursued: God’s relentless pursuit and a drug addict’s journey to finding purpose
“I needed to find the God I’d met in that jail cell, the one who didn’t give me what I deserved. The one who gave me freedom when I deserved judgement. The one who gave me mercy when I deserved wrath. The one who gave me a clean slate after I had muddied it up. I needed Him, whoever He was; that was the God I needed for my condition. That God answered my prayers.”
Source: Pursued: God’s relentless pursuit and a drug addict’s journey to finding purpose
“Perhaps the police could have shown me more mercy, but their brash confrontation of my rebellion taught me something just as important: the world did not revolve around me. No matter how badly I wanted everything to benefit me and work out in my favor the world did not revolve around, nor conform to, my every fleeting fancy.”
Source: Pursued: God’s relentless pursuit and a drug addict’s journey to finding purpose
“I’d been so used to the court system and thinking of myself as a criminal. I’d been so used to pleading in abeyance, proclaiming my guilt and unworthiness and asking the judge for mercy. But God’s love went beyond anything I’d seen in my lifetime. He wasn’t just giving me mercy by overlooking my sins, He was giving me justice by paying off every debt I’d ever created and bearing every damnation I’d ever deserved.”
Source: Pursued: God’s relentless pursuit and a drug addict’s journey to finding purpose
“He was ready to take a pothead, alcoholic, heroin-addicted, whoremonger, a bulimic, cigarette smoking womanizer, and form the deepest type of bond that could be made and had no exit clauses or reversals. He had pursued me when others would’ve given up a thousand times. He made a covenant with me, signed by a pen dipped in His own blood, a covenant forged by His love, in His love, and through His love. It is a love story written by the Author of the universe.”
Source: Pursued: God’s relentless pursuit and a drug addict’s journey to finding purpose
“These Christians always seemed to consider long-term holistic wellbeing. None of their answers were easy or quick but took grit and determination. Every “do” and “don’t” had a reason and purpose behind it. I was finally beginning to understand the why behind things.”
Source: Pursued: God’s relentless pursuit and a drug addict’s journey to finding purpose
“Sometimes the constant focus on drugs and drinking generated a sense of nostalgia. Sometimes we talked as if we would eagerly go back to the good old days, if only drugs and drinking didn’t cause us (and our loved ones) so much harm.”
Source: Pursued: God’s relentless pursuit and a drug addict’s journey to finding purpose
“He did not remove me from the situations I created and the path that I chose, nor did He nullify the awful consequences of those decisions. He let me choose my path, and He allowed things to unfold in their natural sequence so that I could see the fruits of my decisions, but He was there for me every step of the way.”
Source: Pursued: God’s relentless pursuit and a drug addict’s journey to finding purpose
“Previously, I had based all my decisions on the fact that someone said that it felt good, but there was no real reason beyond that. Previously, the “why” had always been lacking. Previously my why had been about as sophisticated as that of a monkey.”
Source: Pursued: God’s relentless pursuit and a drug addict’s journey to finding purpose
“These very basic concepts of good and bad gave me a concrete foundation; at the very least, if I could discern good from bad, I would be less likely to base my life solely on emotions.”
Source: Pursued: God’s relentless pursuit and a drug addict’s journey to finding purpose
“When I experienced pleasurable emotions, I was at peace; when I lacked them, I felt anxiety. When I experienced positive emotions, I felt my life was meaningful. When I lacked them, it felt void of purpose and meaning.”
Source: Pursued: God’s relentless pursuit and a drug addict’s journey to finding purpose
“Emotions had been the primary factor in my planning and decision-making. Most of the time, they made my life feel like a roller coaster ride that ended abruptly with a broken piece of track.”
Source: Pursued: God’s relentless pursuit and a drug addict’s journey to finding purpose
“The best advice I ever got was, “Whatever you keep in the center of your life, that thing will always drive you. If it is your Higher Power, it will drive you to healing and purpose; if it is pleasure or any other thing, you’ll dig your own grave and justify yourself while doing it.”
Source: Pursued: God’s relentless pursuit and a drug addict’s journey to finding purpose
“And I struggled with lust in the same way. While some people are freed overnight, for me it was a very hard, very slow, very intentional process that has taken over a decade.. There was no quick fix or magic solution, but there has been a lot of healing over time.”
Source: Pursued: God’s relentless pursuit and a drug addict’s journey to finding purpose
“After doing psychological cartwheels with varying philosophies about Higher Powers for a year, I decided that all forms of religion were little more than positive psychology that served to help us rewrite the tracks that we played in our minds. I decided, in the end, that’s all I had, my mind, and whatever track or CD I decided to play in it. On a good day, it would play cheery tunes, but as soon as I got triggered and my desperation for drugs kicked in, or as soon as I failed, or relapsed, the tune would change. My identity and self-worth would often change with it.”
Source: Pursued: God’s relentless pursuit and a drug addict’s journey to finding purpose
“If you use sex whenever you want with whomever you want, you’re treating it like trash, like it means nothing. Imagine a piece of duct tape. It’s got a purpose, it’s designed to stick to something, but if you stick it to the dog and rip it off, then the floor, the wall, the toilet, the neighbor’s pit, after that, it just won’t work right anymore. When you finally find your spouse and try to connect with them, there will be all sorts of crud in the way. It might be a physical STD, or it could be an emotional one that spreads through your relationship and life like an infection.”
Source: Pursued: God’s relentless pursuit and a drug addict’s journey to finding purpose
“If He saw me at my very worst, when drugs, sex, and other fleeting pleasures ruled every portion of my heart, mind, and life, and still chose to die for me, He must still love me now. If He was patient with me when I was living solely for rebellion, He must also be willing to be patient with me now that my heart was softening and I was actually trying. I was still failing, but at least my heart wanted to honor Him now.”
Source: Pursued: God’s relentless pursuit and a drug addict’s journey to finding purpose
“For years, I had chosen to espouse addiction, sex, and success, rather than espousing the one who actually, truly, fully, cared about me. I had to live in lavish indulgence of my sin for years, before I was able to realize that it couldn’t ever fully satisfy.”
Source: Pursued: God’s relentless pursuit and a drug addict’s journey to finding purpose
“Both men and women can treat each other like objects. They do this when they use sex and use each other’s bodies to meet their own inner need for acknowledgment and appreciation. Until they get married, the partners are on audition, and they can be thrown out at any point that one partner finds a better suitor or gets tired of the other.”
Source: Pursued: God’s relentless pursuit and a drug addict’s journey to finding purpose
“When used in marriage, sex is a celebration of the fact that you’ve given one another everything and are committed to one another irrevocably. Since you’ve already given each other your time, trust, money, income, home, bank account, schedule, and everything else, giving each other your body is safe, natural, and enjoyable. Since you’ve committed to one another ‘for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do you part,’ you know that the other person will cherish you and will not just throw you out when you fail to perform to their standards.”
Source: Pursued: God’s relentless pursuit and a drug addict’s journey to finding purpose
“I told them how, when I’d finally broken down and handed everything over to Him, something changed, and I felt like a different person. I suddenly had confidence that no matter what happened, I could face it and be alright. Even if they locked me up for years, I knew I’d be alright.”
Source: Pursued: God’s relentless pursuit and a drug addict’s journey to finding purpose
“There will be times when your strength isn’t enough, when you struggle, and relapse, and feel like a total failure. If you base your identity on Him, your performance doesn’t have to define who you are anymore. You will know that you are fully adored, and wholly accepted in both good times and bad.”
Source: Pursued: God’s relentless pursuit and a drug addict’s journey to finding purpose
“I was no longer missing a piece. Jesus had taken all my insufficiencies, washed them away, and filled the very core of my being with His approval. Just like the day that He had given me a clean slate and released me from jail, now He was doing that same thing internally. He was washing away the belief that I was an inadequate failure who was unworthy and incapable of ever changing. He was making me into a new creation and it was going to be a thoroughly delightful process.”
Source: Pursued: God’s relentless pursuit and a drug addict’s journey to finding purpose
“He kept giving me new opportunities to be made right with Him. I could choose to go to my grave denying, rejecting, and refuting Him, but He would be there intervening and interjecting Himself every step of the way. He would not let me recklessly shove my way into hell unwarned.”
Source: Pursued: God’s relentless pursuit and a drug addict’s journey to finding purpose
“Looking back, I think the reason I kept chasing quick fixes was because, for the briefest moment, the slight reprieve they offered helped me forget how messed up and broken I was. In my heart of hearts, I felt like the slate of my life was so scribbled and dirty, with so many arrests and broken relationships, that it wasn’t even worth trying to clean up. Since I could not be cleansed, fixed, or cured, I simply learned to cope by covering the messy “whiteboard” of my life with pieces of white paper: a fling with a cute girl
boosted my pride, an epic adventure with friends made me excited and confident; sports made me feel tough, while good grades and a nice job boosted my ego. While each distraction helped me to ignore the mess underneath, I never found anything that could erase it. So, I stacked up the distractions until they grew so numerous, they fluttered everywhere throughout the muddled chaos I called my life.”
Source: Pursued: God’s relentless pursuit and a drug addict’s journey to finding purpose
“When I realized that I had experienced a miracle, I couldn’t help but think that the God to whom I had prayed must have orchestrated this whole thing. I demanded that He give me my phone back, and He did so in a way that made it obvious it wasn’t just a coincidence. It led me directly into the clutches of the law. What I wanted led me to what I didn’t want. What I wanted led me to what I hated. Getting my phone led to me getting arrested. I could choose whatever path I wanted, I could demand my own way, but there would be consequences. God wanted me to understand that every decision has consequences.”
Source: Pursued: God’s relentless pursuit and a drug addict’s journey to finding purpose
“It was nice that this type of peer pressure wasn’t going to get me arrested. I’d become so used to getting manipulated and talked into things, it took me a while to realize this was different. They weren’t pressing their ways on me at all. They were just grateful to live in God’s promises in the present and to be free from the binding ways of their own pasts. They cut time out each morning so they could slow down, be intentional, study an impactful life lesson, rest in God, and put on the right attitude before setting out on their day.”
Source: Pursued: God’s relentless pursuit and a drug addict’s journey to finding purpose
“My problem wasn’t my parents, it wasn’t my friends, it wasn’t my education, it wasn’t even the weird environment I grew up in. I chose to do drugs, I weighed the reasons for and against them, and I chose them because I thought they would provide meaning and pleasure to my life. I chose them because I believed life was a cosmic mishap and all we could do was make ourselves feel good before we die and slip away into nothingness. I chose them because they helped numb the pain of my hopeless worldview. I chose them because I didn’t know there was an alternative that could meet these needs in a better, more permanent, more fulfilling way.”
Source: Pursued: God’s relentless pursuit and a drug addict’s journey to finding purpose
“And yet even after letting me see where my own path would lead me, God bailed me out of the consequences that I had brought on myself. It seemed even if I chose things that led to bondage and captivity, He would be there to stand on my behalf and offer me a path forward. He removed the incriminating evidence against me and set me free. But what good was it when I couldn’t change, when I just kept demanding my own way and getting myself trapped again and again?”
Source: Pursued: God’s relentless pursuit and a drug addict’s journey to finding purpose
“The “gospel,” the “good news” that gives us hope, is the fact that God accepts us as we are, even before we’ve fixed up our lives or believed all the right things. His only requirement is what my lawyers required of me: to stop denying and hiding my faults so that they could help me. To admit I didn’t have my act together. To believe that He wanted to help me. To plead guilty, not because it would benefit me but because I finally understood that my sin was killing me, destroying me from the inside out, robbing my precious minutes and hours, filling my mind with lies and delusions. For any who would trust in Him, Jesus stands before the judgment seat of God defending them against the evil one who flings accusations at them day and night, ever scheming to destroy them.”
Source: Pursued: God’s relentless pursuit and a drug addict’s journey to finding purpose
“I blamed my problems on the education system because it kept me busy and required me to maintain some semblance of sobriety. I blamed my problems
on the authorities because they drug tested me. I blamed my problems on the police because they kept me in check and held me accountable for my actions.
The real irony was that it was probably these things that kept me alive.”
Source: Pursued: God’s relentless pursuit and a drug addict’s journey to finding purpose
“In an earthbound perspective that excludes all consideration of God, there will be no day of reckoning. The good will die young, nice guys will finish last, and the murderers, rapists, and warmongers will never be held accountable for their actions. Humans will continue to be free to act like animals, biting and devouring one another. If there is no God, or Creator (no one outside the cycle) all our greatest feats and accomplishments will disappear when we die. Like chasing the wind, whatever we gain, we will eventually lose. Not only will we be forgotten when everyone we know dies, but even the greatest legacies will equate to nothing on the day that the sun burns out and the human race is no more.”
Source: Pursued: God’s relentless pursuit and a drug addict’s journey to finding purpose
“I was beginning to think there was no adequate reason for our existence. I realized that so long as the main pursuit of my life boiled down to hedonism that I was more like the hamster on the wheel than I cared to admit.”
Source: Pursued: God’s relentless pursuit and a drug addict’s journey to finding purpose
“I was beginning to think there was no adequate reason for our existence. I realized that so long as the main pursuit of my life boiled down to hedonism that I was more like the hamster on the wheel than I cared to admit.
As I watched the people around me chase different things, I realized I wasn’t the only one on a hamster wheel. Many college students think that partying on the weekends and filling their lives with one-night stands is the path towards satisfaction. Many adults think that education, success, luxury, vacationing and wealth are better paths. I had hoped so as well, but they were proving to be just as empty. The harder I ran towards success, the more burnt out I felt.”
Source: Pursued: God’s relentless pursuit and a drug addict’s journey to finding purpose
“I’d been fighting the idea for weeks. It kept coming to my mind and I kept battling it out. No matter how hard I fought against it, I found myself veering towards that which I despised.”
Source: Pursued: God’s relentless pursuit and a drug addict’s journey to finding purpose
“It began raining harder and my thoughts drifted towards the waterfall from the night before. I wondered if the water might work itself into a frenzy around me and drag me down the cliff with it. Flash floods were common in this type of landscape; they came every time it rained. It kept coming down, harder and harder. I cozied up closer to the frigid rock and buried myself deeper in my tank top. By this point, the rain was building into streams and flowing off the rocks around me. I sat there in the fetal position, wondering if the rain was going to sweep me from my feeble perch and down into the dark abyss.”
Source: Pursued: God’s relentless pursuit and a drug addict’s journey to finding purpose
“This Higher Power was the least offensive and most inclusive belief system I could find. I liked the fact that people found it agreeable because that meant they would also likely find me agreeable. My world was still about me, everything still revolved around me, what I thought about myself, and what I could get others to think about me. I was always changing in order to fit in, and after a while, I realized that my Higher Power was doing the same thing.”
Source: Pursued: God’s relentless pursuit and a drug addict’s journey to finding purpose
“I would always show up on Sunday morning, looking like hell after having partied all through the weekend without sleep. When I arrived, they would prime my inebriated carcass for church and drag me with them. And I’d prime myself by taking some sort of upper.
Sometimes I’d still fall asleep on the pew, but luckily, I was not the only one. After church, I would smile and strut my charm with the doting church mothers. I was so cunning about my addiction that most of them didn’t have a clue, other than the occasional rumor of an arrest, but those could easily be blamed on bad company. When I got home, I would sleep through the rest of the day and night until I finally awoke for school on Monday.”
Source: Pursued: God’s relentless pursuit and a drug addict’s journey to finding purpose
“Eventually, I realized that the fuel from relationships was about as substantial as that of a fart to a fireplace. It never lasted long, always blew up on itself, and more often than not, left an agonizing mark.”
Source: Pursued: God’s relentless pursuit and a drug addict’s journey to finding purpose
“Each year there are new scientific breakthroughs, many of which contradict the old ones. Blinding myself by becoming set in my bigoted, limited perspective was equivalent to an ostrich burying its head in the sand at the threat of encroaching danger.”
Source: Pursued: God’s relentless pursuit and a drug addict’s journey to finding purpose
“She would look us in the eyes and say, “Whenever you’re tempted, you’ve got to shout.” She then would scream the words so loud that we needed to cover our ears, “Get thee behind me, Satan.” Then she’d talk in a normal voice again and say, “The devil is ruling your lives. You need to learn how to say no. Stop throwing your pearls to the swine. Your lives have value, but you’re throwing it away.” Her voice would get desperate again and she'd say, “You must not give
yourself over to these things. They’re damaging you. They’ll destroy you. You must learn to stop.” Then she would turn to my friends and plead with them, “Please don’t lead my boy astray. He’s trying now, he’s trying to be better. Please don’t drag him down again.”
Source: Pursued: God’s relentless pursuit and a drug addict’s journey to finding purpose
“To overdose is almost like being betrayed by your lover, your greatest friend, your confidante. The substance is your idol, your ultimate satisfaction, the
thing that fuels you in life and keeps you going. If it is given a place in your life, it will fight relentlessly until it becomes the supreme substance of your life. An innocent puff, a momentary euphoria, will eventually become more valuable than every other thing. It starts off as a fling, but the one-night stand gets you pregnant, and in a moment, the course of your entire life is altered.”
Source: Pursued: God’s relentless pursuit and a drug addict’s journey to finding purpose
“I found my identity in refuting the standards that society tried to impose on me. I refused to concede to anyone else’s standard of good and evil, even if their constructs were rational and mine were not. Relativizing good and evil allowed me to dismiss any concept of a moral code. Dismissing the moral code did not get rid of my inward compass that told me when one thing was wrong and another was right, but it did allow me to mock others’ concepts of right and wrong in preference to my own.”
Source: Pursued: God’s relentless pursuit and a drug addict’s journey to finding purpose
“For most of the year I wore no shoes. This Higher Power was my guide, but it seemed to be just as confused about the world as I was. Eventually, I realized that my Higher Power was an ethereal nothingness. It was a collection of lofty ideas that, although beautiful, were not capable of contradicting me, reshaping my paradigms, or defining reality for me. It was a god that appealed to my own sensibilities; it was as ever-changing and subjective as my own mind.”
Source: Pursued: God’s relentless pursuit and a drug addict’s journey to finding purpose
“I started weeping out loud as the scenes of my past replayed through my head. I’d always seen God’s interventions as freebies, as nice gestures from an all-powerful genie-like figure. I was finally beginning to see not only what it meant to have a clean slate, but also how much it cost Him to give me one.”
Source: Pursued: God’s relentless pursuit and a drug addict’s journey to finding purpose
“I had tried many times in the past to create accountability partners but, without fail, they had just made me feel worse about myself and my problems. Each time I had to call them and explain how I’d messed up yet again, I would feel utterly shameful. This was different, this was exciting and lifegiving. I had never seen accountability implemented with such genuineness, patience, precision, and care. Having God’s Word to rely on, rather than just sharing random opinions and biased advice, made it like surgery for the soul.”
Source: Pursued: God’s relentless pursuit and a drug addict’s journey to finding purpose
“Though we as a people pillaged this beautiful earth with acts of war, rape, terror, and molestation, He washed our sins with His blood. Instead of letting us damn ourselves unimpeded, He sowed a destiny of hope. Instead of shaming us for our many awful ways, He drown us in His love.”
Source: Pursued: God’s relentless pursuit and a drug addict’s journey to finding purpose
“To most teenagers, college kids, and addicts, the fact that I was getting paid to party was pretty badass. The fact that I always knew where the party was, and people were always calling me for their fix, made others want to be around me. I carried myself confidently and got a lot of girls (regardless of what I felt like on the inside). I was fun and funny and therefore got invited to a lot of things.”
Source: Pursued: God’s relentless pursuit and a drug addict’s journey to finding purpose
“Since it seemed like my entire culture was saying there was no absolute truth, I decided the belief was credible without ever actually researching it. I didn’t realize that the statement “there are no absolute truths” is an absolute truth claim. I also didn’t realize that the more people say there is no absolute truth, the more offended they seem to get when someone challenges their particular set of truth claims.”
Source: Pursued: God’s relentless pursuit and a drug addict’s journey to finding purpose
“I thought of drugs and sex and partying as essential tenets of a well-enjoyed life. I had no idea it was possible to expect or rely too much on them. It was
beyond my understanding that drugs or relationships could meet a need one day and leave me in want the next. Yet the more I had each of these things, the more I realized it wasn’t that they over-promised and under-delivered, it was that they were completely incapable of delivering or doing what I desired them to do.”
Source: Pursued: God’s relentless pursuit and a drug addict’s journey to finding purpose