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Ruby Walker Biography

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“I wished I didn't need an ocean of space to feel comfortable. I still wanted to be loved. Yet again I felt like two people: one who desperately needed a hug, and one who would break apart at the slightest touch. How could I get people to keep their distance without leaving completely? How long would it take for them to get tired of the way I flinched and evaded?”

“No matter how good I was, no matter how much I pleaded for it or worked for it, I could never make everyone understand me. If my self-esteem was dependent on other people’s feelings, it would never be under control. I’d be on a ship rocking back and forth between emptiness and salvation, never able to really find my feet.”

“At night I’d stand in front of the mirror, eyes closed, imagining the face of a beloved friend. Upturned nose, wavy hair, dark eyes, wide smile, belly laughing, lifting eyebrows, skipping stones. I’d feel the champagne glow of love and respect radiating from behind my sternum. When my eyes broke open on my own hateful face, I squeezed the embers tight to keep them from fizzling out. I kept forcing myself to imagine feeling self-love.  Then one night when I opened my eyes, I didn’t see a ghoul or a failure or a mask. I saw a tired, imperfect girl who wanted the world to be kind. And the love was already there.”