“I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.” Quote by Anthony Jeselnik
“Yeah we're not together anymore. She has got - she has got a new boyfriend now. They just moved into together. And I've heard rumors that he is abusive, which makes you want to go over there with a baseball bat. And then blame it on her boyfriend.” WantTogetherHeardBaseballYeahBlameMovedBatsRumorAbusiveNew Boyfriend Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“Of all the ways people save time, I think racism is the worst.” PeopleThinkingWayWorstRacism Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“I think my friends wife has been banging a black guy. Because they just had a baby. And the baby had a hole in it.” ThinkingHas BeensGuyBlackWifeBabyMy FriendsHolesBangingBlack Guys Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“I killed a squirrel once with a car. Twice with a tennis racket.” CarTennisSquirrelsRacket Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“I don't have a type, really. But I've always been more attracted to girls who yell fire.” GirlFireType Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“Childhood obesity affects all pedophiles.” ChildhoodObesityChildhood Obesity Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“I spent all night feeding the homeless to dogs.” NightDogHomelessFeedingAll Night Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“I was raised Catholic. I rejected it later on. I'm an outspoken atheist now. People say, 'Oh, it's a negative thing to be an atheist.' I don't agree. I think it's more optimistic to think that there is no God, no afterlife.” PeopleThinkingReligionNegativeCatholicAgreeRaisedAtheistOptimisticAfterlifeRejectedThere Is No GodOutspoken Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“Stereotypes wouldn't be so bad if black people were nicer, in general.” PeopleIfsBlackBlack PeopleStereotype Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“Every night, my girlfriend comes home from work, and she brings with her a houseplant. She's like, 'Anthony, I had to pick this up. We need a houseplant in our apartment.' And every night, I make her return it. I say, 'No way, baby. You can't take care of a houseplant. You couldn't even keep your baby alive.'” WayNeedsHomeCareNightAliveBabyReturnPicksTake CareGirlfriendComing HomeEvery NightApartmentMy Girlfriend Author:Anthony Jeselnik