“Larry King is so old, he's actually one of the Jews that killed Christ.” ChristKingsJewLarry Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.” KingsBirdGirlfriendShut UpExesEx GirlfriendParakeets Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.” IfsFirstsLooksHumorFunnyGirlMinesPretty Girl Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.” LittlesHumorKidsFunnySawsCarSeriousYesterdayLittle Kid Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“Whenever I’m about to have sex with a girl, I play it smart and just automatically assume she has herpes; because that way I don’t have to tell her about my herpes.” WayPlayGirlSexSmartAssumingHerpes Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“Do whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do it” WantDo Whatever You Want Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“When I finished high school, I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle.” SaidHumorWantedSchoolFunnyBrotherMomHigh SchoolDiedMy MomFinishedAccidentsHorribleMotorcycle Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer… but no one will do it.” YearsTwoHumorFunnyPastGirlfriendTwo YearsKillersExesEx Girlfriend Author:Anthony Jeselnik