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Quote by Jim Gaffigan

“My wife's gotten really lazy, or as she calls it, 'pregnant.'”

Quote by Jim Gaffigan

Author

Jim Gaffigan, born on July 7, 1966, is an American comedian known for his humorous and insightful performances. His style of comedy is characterized by its wit and keen observations of everyday life, often touching on themes such as family, religion, and interpersonal relationships. more

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“But truly, women are amazing. Think about it this way: a woman can grow a baby inside her body. Then a woman can deliver the baby through her body. Then, by some miracle, a woman can feed a baby with her body. When you compare that to the male’s contribution to life, it’s kind of embarrassing, really.”

Thinking Men Way Kind Body Funny Grows Women Baby Men And Women Miracle Males Comedian Compare Contribution Embarrassing

Author:Jim Gaffigan

“No matter how you feel about your extended family or family gatherings you will be attending. This is because now the ultimate reason for attending family gatherings is for your children to have the time of their lives with their cousins. Little kids love their cousins. I’m not being cute or exaggerating here. Cousins are like celebrities for little kids. If little kids had a People magazine, cousins would be on the cover. Cousins are the barometers of how fun a family get-together will be. “Are the cousins going to be there? Fun!”

Source: Dad Is Fat

“Other people's children's birthday parties are the most joyful events you will ever resent having to attend.”

People Children Party Events Joyful Resent Birthday Party

Author:Jim Gaffigan

“I used to have to do readings in church, and it was terrifying. I would never have my glasses. The words are printed so small even Superman would be nervous. And you’re reading from the Bible. It’s not like you can just make something up and improvise. “A reading from the letter of Saint Paul to the Corinthians. Uhhh. Dear Corinthians, … How was your weekend? Sure is hot here. Uh, tell Jesus ‘Hey.’ This is the word of the Lord.”

Would Be Used Reading Jesus Church Lord Like You Letters Hot Dear Saint Glasses Nervous Hey Weekend Printed Corinthians Saint Paul

Book:Dad Is Fat

Source: Dad Is Fat

“It's good to be back in New York. I have lived here ten years. I'm originally from Indiana. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana: Mafia. But the fact of the matter is where I grew up there was something very similar to the Mafia: 4-H.”

Thinking Knows Years Matter Facts New York Grew Ten Grew Up Mafia Indiana

Author:Jim Gaffigan

“I love how New York is so multicultural. I wish I was ethnic, I'm nothing. Because if you're Hispanic and you get angry, people are like, 'He's got a Latin temper!' If you're a white guy and you get angry, people are like, 'That guy's a jerk.'”

People Ifs Humor Funny Guy Wish White New York Angry Latin Temper That Guy Jerk Hispanic Multicultural White Guys

Author:Jim Gaffigan

“I only dated one Asian girl, but she was very Asian. She was a panda.”

Humor Funny Girl Asian Pandas

Author:Jim Gaffigan

“I'm not a strict vegetarian. I do eat beef and pork. And chicken. But not fish 'cause that's disgusting! How do you know when fish goes bad? It smells like fish either way! 'Hey this smells like a dumpster, lets eat it!'”

Knows Way Humor Funny Causes Fishes Smell Hey Chickens Do You Know Vegetarian Disgusting Strict Beef Pork Dumpsters

Author:Jim Gaffigan

“The true function of a writer is to produce a masterpiece and no other task is of any consequence.”

Literature Produce Consequence Tasks Function Masterpiece

Book:The selected essays of Cyril Connolly

Source: The selected essays of Cyril Connolly

“Lean Pockets, I don't even wanna know what's in those. I wonder what the directions are on a box of Lean Pockets: 'Remove from box, place directly in toilet.' Flush Pocket!”

Knows Wonder Boxes Pockets Remove Toilets

Author:Jim Gaffigan