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Quote by Andy Kindler

“President Obama. He is the man. I've tried the rest, and he is the best. My dream is for him to appoint me to be the Secretary of Humor. My first act will be to make whatever Larry the Cable Guy is doing illegal.”

Quote by Andy Kindler

Author

Andy Kindler is an American comedian known for his unique humor style and sharp satire. Born on October 16, 1956, he has been active in the comedy scene since the 1980s. Kindler is recognized for his performances in television shows, movies, and on stage, with his work often delving into social and political issues. more

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“My friend taught me this one. You take the heel of your hand, you can shove someone's nose right through their brain. I can't even watch someone blow their nose. If I'm in a fight, I'm not gonna be shoving or poking, I'm gonna be running or begging - that's my two choices, right there.”

Ifs I Can Two Hands Running Choices Fighting Brain Watches Taught My Friends Blow Noses Heels Begging Two Choices

Author:Andy Kindler

“I don't remember much about my bar mitzvah. The only thing I remember - I killed! That's what I remembered. Nobody could follow me at my bar-mitzvah. It was over when I was done.”

Done Remember Bars Remembered Follow Me Bar Mitzvah Mitzvah

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“I was in Philadelphia - a very angry town, Philadelphia. I've never seen a town like this. It's supposed to be the City of Brotherly Love - like when my brother was 12 and I was nine, and he would lean on my shoulder and dangle spit in my face.”

Faces Cities Brother Towns Angry Nine Shoulders Supposed To Be My Brother Spit Philadelphia Brotherly Brotherly Love

Author:Andy Kindler

“I noticed whenever you call information, 411, there's always a computer voice, and they go, 'What number would you like? City and state, please.' 'Yeah, I'd like the number of Macy's in Century City, California.' 'Did you say 'pretzel nuggets'?”

States Voice Numbers Cities Century Information Please Computer Yeah California Nuggets Pretzels Macy's

Author:Andy Kindler

“I'm Jewish... We're a very nervous group. Paranoid. Anxiety-ridden. Maybe that Hitler thing made us a little jumpy. Nothing like a Holocaust to make you mind your Ps and Qs for a couple hundred years I always say.”

Years Mind Littles Made Groups Couple Anxiety Hundred Nervous Holocaust Paranoid

Author:Andy Kindler

“I was recently voted best standup never to win a major.”

Author:Andy Kindler

“I don't think there's anything Craig Ferguson could say that would make me laugh. Ad-libbing is not the same as entertainment.”

Thinking Laughing Entertainment Ads Make Me Laugh Ferguson

Author:Andy Kindler

“Once when Larry the Cable Guy was on Conan's show, Conan O'Brien was so offended by Larry's material, he had to walk away from the desk he was so offended.”

Shows Guy Walks Materials Desks Offended Cables Larry Conan Conan O Brien

Author:Andy Kindler

“Whenever I watch the beginning of Jimmy Fallon, I feel like I should sue the Roots for bait and switch.”

Feels Should Watches Roots Jimmy Bait

Author:Andy Kindler

“Larry the Cable Guy has signed a deal with Cracker Barrel. Not the store. He signed a deal with a barrel full of angry rednecks.”

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Author:Andy Kindler