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Quote by Chelsea Handler

“A federal grand jury is investigating allegations that David Copperfield raped, assaulted and threatened a woman he took to his private island in the Bahamas in July. What happened to the good old days when a guy would just saw you in half?”

Quote by Chelsea Handler

Author

Chelsea Handler

Chelsea Handler, born on February 25, 1975, is a renowned American comedian, writer, and television host. Known for her unique sense of humor and candid remarks, she has hosted several popular television shows and achieved significant success in the comedy industry. more

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“The L. A. Times is reporting that Britney Spears' album Blackout will be number one on the Billboard charts. Not to toot my horn, but I predicted this on my show a week ago. No one wanted to believe me - even I didn't want to believe me, but now I know how Nostradamus feels.”

Knows Want Feels Believe Shows Wanted Numbers Know How Week Albums Believe In Me Horns Spears Billboards Blackouts

Author:Chelsea Handler

“Tara Reid is charging $3,500 for a personal appearance fee. So, for only $3,500 you can either buy a 1998 Jetta with 130,000 miles on it... or Tara Reid, who only has 98,000 miles on her.”

Appearance Miles Fees Charging Personal Appearance

Author:Chelsea Handler

“Rumer Willis was having a great time at the opening of a club when her twin walked in, also known as her dad, Bruce Willis. How embarrassing for her, she's out with her friends and they're like, 'Umm, Rumer, I think your dad put something in my drink.'”

Thinking Known Dad Drink Clubs Opening Twins Embarrassing Great Times Your Dad

Author:Chelsea Handler

“Paula Abdul's really impatient to start a family. She says if she has to wait much longer she's going to go crazy-er.”

Ifs Waiting Crazy Impatient

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“Pam Anderson and Rick Salomon just got themselves a marriage license. I think before she gets married again Pam needs to slow down and think about whether this is really the man she wants to spend three or four months of her life with.”

Thinking Men Want Needs Three Four He Man Months Married Down And Slow Down License

Author:Chelsea Handler

“This kind of mixing of ingredients happens all the time at fast-food places... You know when you order french fries and there's a rogue onion ring at the bottom. You know, at first you're alarmed but you eat it. It all comes from the same place! You just have to go for it.”

Knows Firsts Kind Happens Order Bottom Rings Ingredients Mixing Fast Food Onions Rogues Fries French Fries Onion Rings

Author:Chelsea Handler

“Shamu and I have arrived safely in Costa Rica. He was stopped by airport security because he carries enough artillery in his pants pockets to construct a sawed-off shotgun. Evidently, he though we were headed to Iraq.”

Enough Security Iraq Pockets Carrie Pants Constructs Airports Artillery Shotguns Costa Rica Airport Security

Book:Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea

Source: Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea

“I like to stay at home and sit on my ass.”

Home Ass Stay At Home

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“You get photographed together when there's 25 people with you and people assume that you're having sex, which is definitely not the case.”

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“The audience might not be the size of Facebook, but how much time can you spend online and think, 'What did I just learn?”

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Author:Chris Hughes