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Blackout: Remembering the Things I Drank to Forget

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Sarah Hepola

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“Maybe my addictive tendencies weren't limited to my zest for things I could drink. Like maybe (I learned while working with my therapist) I had broader issues with control and addiction and using substances to dial down my anxiety. And maybe self-medication is a real dangerous way of trying to quiet the noise of a mental health disorder. And maybe alcoholism also runs in the family.”

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“With access to a medicine cabinet full of palliatives, we can avoid introspection. We can delay coming to terms with our inevitable disintegration and avoid investigating the root causes of the spiritual dysfunction that causes our resultant discomfiture. We can medicate ourselves out of thinking beyond placating our immediate needs; we can remain fixated upon expeditiously enhancing our personal pleasure ride. Instead of thinking, all we need is a new prescription drug.”

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“It doesn't matter if I think like a boy or a girl. It doesn't matter anymore if I'm either or both or neither. All that shit seems so petty and immaterial now. There's so little difference between one human being and the next, it's just hypotheses, human ideas about life and the world and words that mean nothing, about definitions that mean nothing to Earth, to nature, to the universe. Boys and girls and intersex people and me--we're just ideas, and when we're dead, the ideas will go with us. It all means nothing.”

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