I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge

“Women always ask me what I do for a living. The answer should be obvious: As little as possible.”

HumorWorkMoneyAbsurdLazyJobQuiet Quitting

Book:I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge

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“I used to work in a tall office building, and I carried a briefcase. It was empty of business, but when people tried to stop me to talk, I'd hold it up and say, "Gotta run. Look how busy I am.”

HumorBusinessOfficeBusyAbsurdRun

Book:I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge

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“Here’s an eternally true statement: No matter how much good you’ve done, you could always have done more. The earlier you recognize that, the easier it is for you to accept blame.”

HumorTruthAcceptanceBlameCharityGoodAbsurdTrue

Book:I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge

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“I once saw two endangered species about to have sex, but I had to put a stop to it because I suspected one of them of being a prostitute. Then I went to the ATM and took out some cash just to be certain.”

HumorSexMoneyAbsurdSurrealEndangered SpeciesWeird Humor

Book:I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge

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“Do you sometimes get drunk and take a bath in a pile of cash? If so, you may be suffering from hyperinflation.”

HumorMoneyAbsurdDrunkCashInflationBathHyperinflation

Book:I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge

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“Some questions are shaped like slow elevators, and they deserve words that fill spaces like notes from a brass saxophone. Sometimes the silence of body language is music for my eyes.”

HumorLanguageMusicWordsAbsurdQuestionsSurrealSaxophoneBody LanguageElevator

Book:I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge

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“Piano ducks swimming make noises like drowning saxophones. I taught them how to Mozart like powdered Michael Phelps on the bottom of a crushed box of cereal.”

HumorMusicAbsurdSwimmingDucksDuckSaxophoneMozart

Book:I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge

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“I believe medieval cathedrals are not just overly ornate buildings with intricate designs to please the eyes. I believe they are giant dormant sound machines, and if you were to find the On Button on one, it would probably start playing Celine Dion's greatest hits.”

HumorCultureMusicBuildingArchitectureAbsurdTartaria

Book:I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge

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“Of all the books I own, this is the only one I've read twice. It's also the only one I've read once. All my other books are used as decoration, like props to impress visitors.”

BookHumorReadingDesignBooksAbsurdReadInterior Design

Book:I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge

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“When giving directions, it's important to be precise. Invoke words such as yonder.”

HumorWordsAbsurdPrecisePrecisionDirectionsYonder

Book:I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge

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“All the boys in the middle school locker room used to tease me and tell me I danced like Tina Turner. But that didn't stop them from throwing baloney sandwiches at me and whistling.”

HumorSchoolMusicDancingDanceAbsurdTeaseWhistlingWhistle

Book:I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge

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“I built a giant gumball machine, and I filled it with duck eggs. The only currency it accepts as payment is karaoke singing.”

HumorSingingAbsurdEggsDucksDuckSingKaraokeEgg Shortage

Book:I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge

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