“I don’t trust dentists. Well, I don’t trust nine out of ten of them.”
Source: Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast
“Coaching 101: First you build the team, and then you build the torture chamber for underperformers.”
Source: This Book Has No Title
“The old saying is true: You are who you associate with. That makes me 72 ducks.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“I don't collect women (lovers). I don't collect men (friends). I don't collect useless trinkets (Funko Pops). I don't collect manufactured experiences (I VOTED stickers). I do collect authentic interactions, and it's rare that a consoomer provides a fertile situation.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“Can we go back to the way things were, before life got so complicated with the wheel and then the three other wheels?”
Source: The Lewis and Clark of The Ozarks
“We are duck farmers. We are The Overlooked. The most glamorous type of farmer is the cattle rancher, because they were made famous by cowboys. But people forget the humble duck farmer, and last time I checked, cows don’t lay eggs needed to bake superior cakes.”
Source: World Farming Championship
“If you changed into a different style of clothes, and put on a hat and glasses, I might not recognize you. But no matter what I wear, my ducks always know who I am. Am I just a guy worth knowing, or do ducks just have superior intellects?”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“I heard Silver Dollar City starts every morning by playing The National Anthem. That's almost as patriotic as them importing third-world labor so they can keep wages low and force local employees into poverty. Now THAT is American FREEDOM.”
Source: Me and memes and memories
“The future looks bright. That’s because the artificial sun will be outside your shipping container apartment, and you’ll be enjoying your government-mandated fifteen minutes of synthetic Vitamin D body-sponge time.”
Source: Me and memes and memories
“I have good news and bad news. The good news is we will all soon be billionaires. The bad news is that by the time that day comes, the dollar will be so devalued that your billions may not purchase your weekly groceries.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“37% of Americans don't have $400 dollars. That's 3.7 out of ten, and I am all four of them.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“The dollar is continually worth less until it's finally worthless. That's how it was designed. It's not money. It's a financial weapon.”
Source: Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast
“Don't even get me started on The Beastie Boys—those Three Stooges of rap. They are The Triple Sam Bankman-Fried of the music industry, looting everything of value for their personal gain and leaving those behind far poorer for the experience.”
Source: Don't Even Get Me Started On The Beastie Boys
“I once saw 37,000 kids gathered together, and I said, “Is this a public school math class?” Also, I get the numbers 37,000 and 42 confused.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“I graduated from The University of Florida. I tell people it's The Harvard of Gainesville.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“On nights like this, I feel like Henry Rowe Schoolcraft as I venture into the wild. Henry made it his craft to school people about the area, becoming The Lewis and Clark of The Ozarks.”
Source: The Lewis and Clark of The Ozarks
“I’m a duck farmer, and that’s not something you go to school to be. If you did, there certainly wouldn’t be any kickball classes.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“They say those who can't do, teach. That's why today I'm pleased to announce I'm giving golfing lessons.”
Source: To be good at golf you must go full koala bear
“I got a call last week from Harvard. They want me to come to Boston to teach Nonsense 101. I told them I'm 72 ducks, and they don't have a pool big enough to afford me.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“I just started taking keytar lessons. The cool thing is I'm my own teacher, so I'm able to save money by not spending any. I also make my own tuna fish sandwiches, so Subway can go full Lehman Brothers for all I care.”
Source: Me and memes and memories
“I give piano lessons. Do I know how to play the piano? Of course not. But you know the saying: Those who can’t do, teach.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“I once taught a duck how to swim. I'm such a good coach that in no time at all it learned how to fly.”
Source: Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast
“Posting with luxury cars like you're wealthy is suspicious. It's the kind of online flex that's pure Synthol.”
Source: Me and memes and memories
“Do you know who profits most in a gold rush? Mining suppliers—merchants. Today that includes marketers, because they're selling an idea or lifestyle. It's why golf's richest men aren't the pro players.”
Source: To be good at golf you must go full koala bear
“Golfers flexing on other golfers for having Androids will never not be inadvertently hilarious. iPhones are also owned by Janitors, the job that's at the bottom of the perceived status pile, and I'd rather golf with a man who spends his time cleaning than a dirty pseudo snob.”
Source: To be good at golf you must go full koala bear
“The key to being a comedian is to be wealthy. The richer you are, the funnier you are to women, and no matter what you say they'll be laughing and giggling.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“Thanks to the cunning detective work by Oliver Anthony, we now know the precise location of the people destroying this country, because he tells us clearly who and where they are: Rich Men North of Richmond. Therefore, we should storm the wealthy neighborhoods in Dumbarton, Va.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“Cash rich is future poor. Back in 1913, I could have almost bought a mansion for the price of a cup of coffee today.”
Source: The Lewis and Clark of The Ozarks
“People always ask me, they say, “Jarod, what do you do with your money?” Well, I base my financial decisions on the annual migratory patterns of Bigfoot, because maps are the new charts, as taught by the esteemed Ponce de Leon School of Youth, Wealth, and Duck Farming. Next time you’re in St. Augustine, Fl, or here in The Ozarks, you should stop on by and learn to become your own cartographer.”
Source: Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast
“Eddie Money and Johnny Cash are similar, but not related. The first is something real, and the latter will soon suffer from hyperinflation.”
Source: Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast
“Pensions and 401(k)s are just illusions, like Social Security. You're better off investing in Bigfoot Fur Coats—and I'm now selling all the newest interdimensional flavors.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Why bother taking a DNA Test to discover your genealogy? Just go buy a lottery ticket, and if you win, all your distant relatives will find you.”
Source: 94,000 Wasps in a Trench Coat
“I partly base my financial decisions on the annual migratory patterns of Bigfoot, because maps are the new charts, as taught by the esteemed Ponce de Leon School of Beauty, Youth, Wealth, and Duck Farming, but what do you say to a man who wants to be his own cartographer?”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“Bags of potato chips have so much air they could be used as cushions for suicidal skyscraper jumpers. That's called inflation, because you spend more money and get less product. But here on my duck farm, we know the value of a dollar—and that's why we don't accept them.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“If I give my all to becoming wealthy, and take no thought to being charitable, all I’ll wind up with in the end is the wind. I'd rather be The Dandelion of Love, and trade a present for one for a future for more than a few. That's why I started duck farming.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“I live in a different time zone than you, which means I am a Man of The Future, and I can tell you strange and wonderful things. (Ask me about The Council of Ducks of 2244.) But don’t query me for winning lottery ticket numbers, because you don’t really want to meet all your extended family, do you?”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“Some men find religion, and other men find wealth and have no use for God. But can a pile of gold save you from starvation? Shop BearPaw Duck Farm for the highest famine prices since 1933.”
Source: BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm presents: Two Ducks Brawling Is A Pre-Pillow Fight
“My heart has defined size, which means its volume can be calculated. Despite this, the amount of love for you it can hold is without limit.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“I have a tongue like a rose petal, and when I say I love you, it has the fragrance of truth. My words are my garden, and I’m planting our future.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Sunsets and mirrors are great for looking back, but our love belongs to the sunrise. Let the orange glow over The Ozarks fade into the deep blue mystery that is our romance.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Lightning doesn’t thunder twice. Let that be a lesson in love.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Every sunset is the flirtation between the day and the night. Their romance is the original love story.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“I just invented a way to put the smooth sounds of a saxophone directly into a trumpet—with little or minimal rusting. When you listen to my music, just close your eyes, because your mind is about to take a romantic trip—inside of a mental elevator.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“I said I made a special trip to get her favorite item, because it sounded more romantic than admitting I randomly had it already. Now that’s love.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“I wrote you a love letter, and I sent it snail mail. Love is forever, and that’s about how long it’ll take to get to you.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“When it's raining, I like to drive like a Monet painting, as I turn off my wipers and let the lights blur the shapes. Makes traveling more romantic.”
Source: 94,000 Wasps in a Trench Coat
“If you asked what my favorite music is, I'd say the kind you'd hear while shopping for groceries on a Tuesday afternoon. That's just the kind of romantic I am. But when working around my ducks, I'm all business, like smooth jazz in a crowded elevator.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“The pizza at Brick Oven tastes like that classic line from that famous murder mystery movie “Rambo,” where Nicholas Cage rips off his tuxedo and says, “I may be a lot of things, but I ain’t no bowl of duck soup, sloshing around in a hurricane." Rambo II is even more romantic.”
Source: BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm presents: Two Ducks Brawling Is A Pre-Pillow Fight
“Women glance at hands like men stare at asses. Why do you think attractive men are called handsome?”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“A woman will fall in love with you if you make her laugh. Try tying her down and tickling her. Or, if you really want her to find you hilarious, tell her you believe we can VOTE for FREEDOM.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music