“I don’t trust dentists. Well, I don’t trust nine out of ten of them.”
Source: Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast
“Coaching 101: First you build the team, and then you build the torture chamber for underperformers.”
Source: This Book Has No Title
“The old saying is true: You are who you associate with. That makes me 72 ducks.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“Can we go back to the way things were, before life got so complicated with the wheel and then the three other wheels?”
Source: The Lewis and Clark of The Ozarks
“I heard Silver Dollar City starts every morning by playing The National Anthem. That's almost as patriotic as them importing third-world labor so they can keep wages low and force local employees into poverty. Now THAT is American FREEDOM.”
Source: Me and memes and memories
“The future looks bright. That’s because the artificial sun will be outside your shipping container apartment, and you’ll be enjoying your government-mandated fifteen minutes of synthetic Vitamin D body-sponge time.”
Source: Me and memes and memories
“I have good news and bad news. The good news is we will all soon be billionaires. The bad news is that by the time that day comes, the dollar will be so devalued that your billions may not purchase your weekly groceries.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“37% of Americans don't have $400 dollars. That's 3.7 out of ten, and I am all four of them.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“Don't even get me started on The Beastie Boys—those Three Stooges of rap. They are The Triple Sam Bankman-Fried of the music industry, looting everything of value for their personal gain and leaving those behind far poorer for the experience.”
Source: Don't Even Get Me Started On The Beastie Boys
“I once saw 37,000 kids gathered together, and I said, “Is this a public school math class?” Also, I get the numbers 37,000 and 42 confused.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“I graduated from The University of Florida. I tell people it's The Harvard of Gainesville.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“I’m a duck farmer, and that’s not something you go to school to be. If you did, there certainly wouldn’t be any kickball classes.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“They say those who can't do, teach. That's why today I'm pleased to announce I'm giving golfing lessons.”
Source: To be good at golf you must go full koala bear
“I got a call last week from Harvard. They want me to come to Boston to teach Nonsense 101. I told them I'm 72 ducks, and they don't have a pool big enough to afford me.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“I give piano lessons. Do I know how to play the piano? Of course not. But you know the saying: Those who can’t do, teach.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“I once taught a duck how to swim. I'm such a good coach that in no time at all it learned how to fly.”
Source: Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast
“The key to being a comedian is to be wealthy. The richer you are, the funnier you are to women, and no matter what you say they'll be laughing and giggling.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“Thanks to the cunning detective work by Oliver Anthony, we now know the precise location of the people destroying this country, because he tells us clearly who and where they are: Rich Men North of Richmond. Therefore, we should storm the wealthy neighborhoods in Dumbarton, Va.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“Eddie Money and Johnny Cash are similar, but not related. The first is something real, and the latter will soon suffer from hyperinflation.”
Source: Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast
“Pensions and 401(k)s are just illusions, like Social Security. You're better off investing in Bigfoot Fur Coats—and I'm now selling all the newest interdimensional flavors.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Why bother taking a DNA Test to discover your genealogy? Just go buy a lottery ticket, and if you win, all your distant relatives will find you.”
Source: 94,000 Wasps in a Trench Coat
“Bags of potato chips have so much air they could be used as cushions for suicidal skyscraper jumpers. That's called inflation, because you spend more money and get less product. But here on my duck farm, we know the value of a dollar—and that's why we don't accept them.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“I just invented a way to put the smooth sounds of a saxophone directly into a trumpet—with little or minimal rusting. When you listen to my music, just close your eyes, because your mind is about to take a romantic trip—inside of a mental elevator.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“I said I made a special trip to get her favorite item, because it sounded more romantic than admitting I randomly had it already. Now that’s love.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“A woman will fall in love with you if you make her laugh. Try tying her down and tickling her. Or, if you really want her to find you hilarious, tell her you believe we can VOTE for FREEDOM.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“In pickleball, you're supposed to stay out of the kitchen. I guess it's not a sport for women.”
Source: Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast
“History is full of great men who were too humble to allow themselves to be called great men. So instead, they pretended to be women.”
Source: Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast
“I think I have a lot going for me as far as dating. I have a high IQ, I'm 6'3", and on May 23rd I'll be Forklift Certified. That's right, I'll soon be qualified to transport stacked pallets, and I know that's the first thing women look for in a potential partner.”
Source: Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast
“Women judge you by how much money you make and how prestigious your job title. That's why when women ask me what I do for a living, I tell them I'm a platinum salesman, and I source catalytic converters for discrete buyers.”
Source: I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge
“I once worked in a glass shop. We manufactured ceilings to keep women out of upper management.”
Source: 94,000 Wasps in a Trench Coat
“I got a new golf bag. I keep it full of sad harmonica tunes that I hand out like Halloween candy to all the rainy-eyed players.”
Source: To be good at golf you must go full koala bear
“My ballsack contains Future People. I’m holding a Meet ‘N’ Greet this Saturday in Branson.”
Source: Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast
“I hate fake people. You know what I’m talking about. Mannequins.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Repetition leads to reputation. Reputation leads to respect. Respect leads to responsibility. So if you continually work hard, you’ll have the opportunity to continue to work hard.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“No matter how long I've been at my job, or how experienced I am, I tell customers I'm new. People are much more patient when I tell them I just started.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“I used to work at a pizza place. Instead of giving me a raise, my boss threw me a pizza party. He made me make all the food.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“Who put hard work on the shelf next to jobs? That’s what ruined this country.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“I just stuffed my briefcase full of necessary items, and now I'm off to work. It's heavy to carry because it contains 333 dank memes and one baloney sandwich.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“Women always ask me what I do for a living. The answer should be obvious: As little as possible.”
Source: I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge
“When I put off a task until the last minute, I'm not procrastinating—I'm exercising great patience. I learned that from my ducks, who do nothing all day, but still manage to accomplish everything they are supposed to do.”
Source: Ducks are the stars of the karaoke bird world
“She said everything when she said nothing, and I replied by not replying. That's as much communication as you can have with no dialogue.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“To Do Today:
1. Sit and think
2. Reach enlightenment
3. Feed the cats”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“I golf like a Jackson Pollock painting, but that's balanced out by the fact that I paint like Jack Nicklaus golfs. My record is finishing in 63 strokes.”
Source: To be good at golf you must go full koala bear
“I golf like a Jackson Pollock painting. I splatter my shots all over the place—and then I act like I just produced a masterpiece.”
Source: To be good at golf you must go full koala bear
“Compact trash into a cube. Then slice it into thin layers and BOOM—you’ve got pieces of modern art. Each sliver belongs in a museum, doing what it’s designed to do—launder money.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“Camouflaged letters would help improve communication, and I explain the reason why in this invisible text:”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“If I saw you hitchhiking, I’d smile and return your thumb’s up, just for you doing such a great job of being a positive roadside influence.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Seth Rogen is a funny guy. In fact, he can't even speak a whole sentence without laughing. Even funnier still is the person listening is not even giggling, chuckling, or breaking a smile.”
Source: Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast
“Sometimes I fish, and sometimes my vending machine is broken so I can’t. Thanks for all your Butterfly Smiles. I have them FOR SALE as Powdered Rose Substitute, for people who don't like the taste of their morning protein shakes.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Her name is Penny. That's another way to be called worthless. She can thank inflation and Central Bankers.”
Source: Me and memes and memories