Ducks are the stars of the karaoke bird world

“When I put off a task until the last minute, I'm not procrastinating—I'm exercising great patience. I learned that from my ducks, who do nothing all day, but still manage to accomplish everything they are supposed to do.”

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“I want to work in a store that sells axes and saxophones, and that’s all. I want to be the guy who repairs used birds—particularly ducks.”

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“I have an English degree, which has as much value as The Papiermark in The Weimar Republic in 1923. It's worthless, and why I'm now a duck farmer. Plus, what could I do with English but be a classroom colonialist? If I wanted to teach something racist, I'd be a math professor.”

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“Gas prices are so high that people are trying to save money by demanding absurd deals, like Buy One Duck, Get Twelve FREE. I always respond, "Are you crazy? The best I can do is Buy Two, Get Eleven FREE.”

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“If The Dollar represents financialization, and The Dollar is dying, and we are moving towards currencies being backed by commodities, then The Future is REAL. BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm Coin is backed by duck eggs.”

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“My duck farm is my side hustle. Only, there's no hustle in my side hustle. It's more like a gentle saunter, or even a waddle.”

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“Ducks are the songbirds of all feathered swimmers. What song? Bette Midler's Wind Beneath My Wings.”

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“At karaoke night, my ducks always sing Bette Midler's "Wind Beneath My Wings." I mean I do too, because when I try to sing R. Kelly's "I Believe I Can Fly" they boo me off stage.”

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“Song jingle idea: Female soprano: At Axes and Saxophones we sell axes and saxophones. Come on in and buy an axe or a saxophone. Male falsetto voice: Why are you telling me about axes and saxophones? Don’t you know I work at Axes and Saxophones? I repair used ducks.”

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“I read the newspaper a little at a time. I cut the paper up into tiny slivers, each about the size of a fortune cookie slogan, and then I mix all the scraps together and then read them at random one by one. That's how I stay current with duck farm trends.”

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“I used to read the newspaper blindfolded. I found it made me more informed as a thinker. Now I spend my time doing other things blindfolded, like teaching Pekin ducks how to fly at The Amelia Earhart School of Aviation.”

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“Most ducks have legs like orange spatulas. Those must be lazy swimmers. Mine have thighs like Michael Phelps in the summer of 2008.”

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“Of all the circus animals, from bears to lions to elephants to politicians, very few ride a unicycle. I'd love to see a Pekin duck spinning around for the crowd. Now THAT is something that would make me want to VOTE.”

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“Ducks are the fish of the bird world. I like to drink beer and catch a few. One line that always hooks them is this: “You can take a crash course in flying from The Amelia Earhart School of Aviation with no money down.”

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“Every duck farm needs a chat bot automating messaging. You wouldn't believe the amount of queries I get. In fact, next time I get one it will be the first time.”

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“I'm the only duck farmer I know who also plays the saxophone. Of course, I don't play it well, which is why I only perform in elevators. Also, I'm the only duck farmer I know.”

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“I love boobies. What’s your favorite bird, pervert? Mine is the duck, because although I love boobies, everyone always stares at them as though they’ve never seen them before.”

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“When Johnny Depp said he found poop all over his bed, I got embarrassed, thinking my ducks had broken into his house and used his sheets like a garden. But boy was I relieved when he placed the blame on Amber Heard, where it properly belongs.”

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“Poe is to poetry what I am to duck farming. You can quote me on that. And if that’s not good enough, you can go quote a raven.”

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“I’m wearing a new shirt, and I just spilled saxophone all over it. It will stain like a cacophony of quacking ducks, and that can only mean one thing—it’s time for breakfast.”

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“Some people talk nonstop, but say nothing. Ducks speak only one word, quack, and communicate everything.”

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“A flamingo is a pink giraffe bird. That’s pretty exotic until you consider that a Pekin duck is the Amelia Earhart of avians.”

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“Shrinkflation is when you pay more money and receive less than what you used to get at a lower price. It's like buying a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and being served two pieces of bread. But in that Air Sandwich there exists the possibility of flight. And if those two slices of bread are soggy, then you have just created Duck Heaven.”

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“You are in your dreams, but you also appear in mine. Yet you have no memory of ever being in even one of my dreams. How can you forget some place you spend so much time? Compared to a duck, you make the swimming bird’s brain look like a supercomputer.”

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