Book detail: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you is presented as a focused source page for quotations connected with this book, collection, transcript, or source record.
Browse quotes from Whenever you're here, I'm there for you.
The quotes below use the same card format as the rest of the site, including topics, source notes, copy actions, image creation, and sharing controls.
Read more
“I give piano lessons. Do I know how to play the piano? Of course not. But you know the saying: Those who can’t do, teach.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“Women glance at hands like men stare at asses. Why do you think attractive men are called handsome?”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“Here’s a good headline: Onion cuts man and cries about it. It actually happened to me.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“I make music one note at a time, just as did Mozart. Tomorrow night you’ll get to hear the second note in my masterpiece symphony.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“Photos have no sound. That’s strange, because even conch shells feature The Song of The Ocean. Why don’t you try playing THAT on your car’s radio?”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“Some trees yield fruit. No tree grows piano music, and that’s exactly the kind of vegetable that goes best with dinner.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“I played saxophone-shaped music for the elevator, and I played extra. Then I cut the excess into frozen cubes and stuffed them in a Tupperware container to take to work to leave in the fridge so they may begin to stink.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“I sneak music into concerts. I release it into the crowd silently through my anus. Its soft melody is scented for maximum pleasure.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“A head of lettuce is empty of thoughts. But is it really that dumb? It never argues over politics or gloats about VOTING.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“When you get arrested, remember that you get one phone call. Next time, use it to order a Chinese food delivery.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“Ride a horse that’s riding a bicycle. That would make you The Lance Armstrong of cowboys.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“How is a balding young woman with thinning hair supposed to make money in this economy? She should sell feet pics.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“I see tourists as balloons. I can't take my pet tree for a walk, so instead I host children's parties for geriatrics.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“In my library are many books. There are also many ducks, because those are the engines that power the 11th century, which is where I live today, just like everybody else who doesn’t believe the lies told by calendars.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“Dandelions grow up through concrete and are viewed by people in the city as weeds. The fact is, they are valued members of the community.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“There’s really only one thing to do when you discover you’ve made a mistake: Hide it. And if you can’t hide it, find someone plausible to blame. This is The Way of The Politician.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“Write historical records in chalk on sidewalks. That way they are preserved for people in the future to read.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“Give a man a pair of scissors, and he can cut his son’s hair. But teach his son how to play baseball, and his son can then cut his own hair.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“Ears are Sound Elevators to the heart. Invisible communication is transmitted through the air and directly influences feelings.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“If there are three empty urinals in a public restroom, I'll take the middle one to pee. That forces the next guy to piss to stand next to me, and then I can initiate conversation.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“Walk around with an open can of tuna in your pocket. You know, for a way to start conversations and offer strangers some finger food while you are both peeing in neighboring urinals.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“Do you know why a Moscow Mule is served in a copper mug? Because copper is a conduit for electrical power, and that makes it the ultimate energy drink.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“The grocery store checkout woman was pretty, but I’m sure all the guys tell her that. So, to flatter her differently, I told her she looks AI-generated.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“I have great taste in music. You know this because all of my favorite songs play overhead in the men's restroom at Walmart.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“The Kansas City Chiefs’ colors are ketchup red and mustard yellow. They are The McDonald’s of The NFL.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“I’ll sell you a dead fly. Why you should buy: The soup it drowned in I give to you for FREE.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“A tornado could stir its own coffee. I’ll bet a tornado takes its java with lots of cream, sugar, and roadside debris.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“I like watching free-climbing videos, because it detoxes my hands. The whole experience makes my palms sweat profusely.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“Wife beaters are great. They are undershirts with the armpits cut out, so your overshirt can still get those delightful sweat stains.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“I love when I shake a mustard bottle really well and go to squirt a line on my hotdog and out spurts a yellow watery substance. They should sell that as an energy drink, because it really gets me amped up.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“I play jazz. Duck noises come out of my saxophone, and that lack of musical quality is how you know I’ve mastered the genre.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“He said, “Don’t peek,” but all I heard was “Don’t peak.” I agree. Keep on getting better.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“Stairs, are they going down or are they going up? Ughh they are so confusing, and that's why I prefer escalators, which are ambitiously unambiguous.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“Flavors of Louisiana is the 1996 of restaurants. I ate tasty Gator like the time The University of Nebraska's football team beat The University of Florida 52-20 to win The National Championship.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“In a warmaxxing world of drone swarms and directed energy weapons, an aircraft carrier is a sitting duck. It's not the kind of thing I'd want in my pond with my Pekins.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“A dandelion is the golf-ball-on-a-tee of the flower world. That makes me The John Daly of gardeners.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“How do you tell the difference between Coors Light and piss? I don't know, but I'll bet Bear Grylls prefers the taste of the latter.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“My Karate Chamber smells like sliced meat. I chopped it thin with my bare hands.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“All the potholes in the roads need to be filled. You should fill them with my homemade chicken noodle soup.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“An elevator is a ride. It’s for thrill seekers and adrenaline junkies.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“Random book markers are time capsules. You stick them in the book you are reading and then set the book down and forget about it, sometimes for years. Receipts are the best, because they really show reality and how inflation has contributed to the collapse of America.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“I’m not a hillbilly. I’m more upscale. I’m a hillwilliam.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“I wish I could extract thoughts from the past. I’d like to know what was on my mind as photos were statued in time.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“A porcupine has fur like a fence. That makes it a good neighbor unto itself.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“Why do magicians make rabbits disappear? They should use ducks. I say this because I happen to have a few FOR SALE.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“The door is ajar. The door is not a jar.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“Do you like gunfights? If so, you should visit your nearest Popeyes chicken restaurant. It’s like a real Murder Mystery Dinner.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“If Elvis ran for Mayor of Branson, who would run against him? I mean, besides the dozens of Elvis Impersonators in the area trying to make a name for themselves by trying to make a name for Elvis.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“Fireworks are SkyFlowers—dandelions of light. They are a visual display of the celebration of life.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you