“Amelia Earhart is the inverse Helen Keller of aviation. Nobody has seen or heard from her since her last flight, so she was such a bad pilot she turned the whole world blind and deaf.”
Source: Me and memes and memories
“When AI finishes taking everyone's career, nobody will be able to derive a personal identity from their job title. Then we will all be hobbyists, and I'm starting early. I am Jarod Kintz, Pickleball Historian.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“Some people drink soda. I prefer hummingbird fluid. It will make your heart flutter so fast it's like it's hovering in place in your chest, and that's why The Government doesn't want you to know it exists in seven great flavors to choose from (eight, if you count the extra one).”
Source: Me and memes and memories
“Pool tables should have contours, like golf courses. For a novice billiards player, I have a pretty good swing.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“I like mini-golf. For me, it’s like long-billiards, where the green has contours, and the table is the floor. This putt-putt course is dilapidated, but that just makes it more challenging.”
Source: The Lewis and Clark of The Ozarks
“My ducks are being snatched one by one in the dark of night by a stealthy predator, probably a bobcat. To show this thief he is not welcome, I have posted a No Trespassing sign. That ought to stop him.”
Source: BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm presents: Two Ducks Brawling Is A Pre-Pillow Fight
“I run like a puzzle. My knees are like colored cubes that rotate and need to be solved.”
Source: Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast
“I like landscape architecture. And I studied horticulture the old-fashioned way—by watching golf on TV.”
Source: Me and memes and memories
“I don't let my spaghetti dangle, or twirl it around my fork. I cut it. Of course, my preferred slicing utensil is a Rubik's Cube, because knives are edgy, but 3D squares are 12 times more dangerous.”
Source: Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast
“There’s really only one thing to do when you discover you’ve made a mistake: Hide it. And if you can’t hide it, find someone plausible to blame. This is The Way of The Politician.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“Tourists are as fleeting as holographic butterflies. The only thing permanent in this world is my Leftover Meatloaf. Branson needs to quickly learn this before I'm completely SOLD OUT.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Frisland is a country that's so powerful it had itself removed off all world maps, so it could stealthily gain influence. It has an ancient ruler named King Anthony, better known as Susan B. Anthony. Susan really do be Anthony.
King Anthony began to reign over Frisland just as soon as Susan B. Anthony "died." At first, King Anthony was kept alive through crude cloning techniques, but over the last century, technology has advanced so far that now King Anthony exists as a spirit embedded in a hologram.”
Source: 94,000 Wasps in a Trench Coat
“Are people online real? I am a hologram. My favorite color is duck soup in audio format.”
Source: Me and memes and memories
“John Daly is from Arkansas, but now lives in Florida. I'm from Florida, but now I live in Arkansas. I am the inverse John Daly, and I think my golf game proves it.”
Source: To be good at golf you must go full koala bear
“El Lindo tastes like the line from that famous murder mystery movie “Rambo,” when Nicolas Cage rips off his tuxedo and says, “I may be a lot of things, but I ain’t a man to call Taco Bell Mexican cuisine." I love a good romance.”
Source: 94,000 Wasps in a Trench Coat
“Walmart told me I couldn't buy beer on Sunday. They said it was Arkansas state law. So, I didn't pay for it and I walked out with a six pack. I'm glad they made booze FREE one day a week.”
Source: Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast
“I didn't ask to be The Duck King. I was elected by unanimous Quack.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“Hide things everywhere. Forget about them. Find them randomly and feel surprised like a pirate finding buried treasure. Avoid scurvy. Love more.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Did you know you can rent bulls? Unfortunately, you rent them to impregnate your cows, and NOT as a party attraction for drunk guests to ride.”
Source: Me and memes and memories
“Ducks know more about ducks than any college professor knows about ducks. Let that be a lesson in student-loan debt.”
Source: I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge
“Write historical records in chalk on sidewalks. That way they are preserved for people in the future to read.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“Sometimes the best pizza is sushi. That’s where I go to get my haircut. Discounts available for fish with fur.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Give a man a pair of scissors, and he can cut his son’s hair. But teach his son how to play baseball, and his son can then cut his own hair.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“Gasoline-scented soap is a great idea that’s a terrible idea. Plus, if I made soap that smelled like petroleum, The US Military would invade my shower and kill me.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Everyone loves the smell of gasoline, but do you think it would make a good scent in a soap?
Gasoline-scented soap is a great idea that’s a terrible idea. Plus, if I made soap that smelled like petroleum, The US Military would invade my shower and kill me.”
Source: 94,000 Wasps in a Trench Coat
“If there are three empty urinals in a public restroom, I'll take the middle one to pee. That forces the next guy to piss to stand next to me, and then I can initiate conversation.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“Walk around with an open can of tuna in your pocket. You know, for a way to start conversations and offer strangers some finger food while you are both peeing in neighboring urinals.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“Do you know why a Moscow Mule is served in a copper mug? Because copper is a conduit for electrical power, and that makes it the ultimate energy drink.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“Don't miss work and never be late. Your boss will appreciate it, and he will reward you by shaking your hand in gratitude after he lays you off.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“The grocery store checkout woman was pretty, but I’m sure all the guys tell her that. So, to flatter her differently, I told her she looks AI-generated.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“I have great taste in music. You know this because all of my favorite songs play overhead in the men's restroom at Walmart.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“I love when I shake a mustard bottle really well and go to squirt a line on my hotdog and out spurts a yellow watery substance. They should sell that as an energy drink.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“The Kansas City Chiefs’ colors are ketchup red and mustard yellow. They are The McDonald’s of The NFL.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“I’ll sell you a dead fly. Why you should buy: The soup it drowned in I give to you for FREE.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“Have you ever tried Zap Soup? There's just three ingredients: You, a pool, and lightning.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“I nailed my ice skates to a wooden floor. That’s how I learned to play hockey like a duck swims in soup.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“I once saw a waterfall walk up a flight of stairs, when it could have easily taken the escalator. That's what I would have done, if I were composed of 40% more H2O.”
Source: The Lewis and Clark of The Ozarks
“Being a college or pro football fan is in the same intellectual category of Funko Pop collecting. It's using a mass-crafted product to self-identify yourself because without people associating you with a certain team you have nothing to do with, you have no personality.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“VOTERS are the ultimate Consoomers. The product they fanboy over is either Team Red or Team Blue, and their whole self-identify revolves around the ritual of deluding themselves into believing they had any control over the selection of the actor pretending to be their leader.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“Most salesmen are no-nonsense guys. But I’m not like them. I’m the #1 nonsense salesman in all of Camelot.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“I just called a How's My Driving phone number. Why did someone in Branson, Missouri pick up and try to sell me a timeshare condo?”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“I once visited a library that had no books. Instead, the room was filled with urinals and sinks, so I drank my coffee and chatted with fellow intellectuals and felt grateful to be using my college education.”
Source: Me and memes and memories
“I self-tested myself, and my IQ is 33. That means I’m entitled to special treatment, I can get away with saying things that a normal person couldn’t, and I’m allowed to have public outbursts and tantrums and people have to tolerate it and even compliment me to calm me down.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“She said her heavy luggage had wheels, so I said, “Here, why don’t I carry that for you?” I was in stupid love.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Engagement farming no longer works. Next time, try duck farming.”
Source: Me and memes and memories
“The blueberries are tasting extra blue this year. That surprises me, because my tongue is color blind.”
Source: Me and memes and memories
“You may use a shopping cart to get your groceries, but I just use regular clothes. That way all my items are FREE.”
Source: I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge
“I like watching free-climbing videos, because it detoxes my hands. The whole experience makes my palms sweat profusely.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“Wife beaters are great. They are undershirts with the armpits cut out, so your overshirt can still get those delightful sweat stains.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“Coffee, it's the original energy drink. After I chug this cup, I'll feel like I could run a marathon, but I won't, because I have two Rubik's Cubes for knees, and they still need to be solved.”
Source: Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast