“Coaching 101: First you build the team, and then you build the torture chamber for underperformers.”
Source: This Book Has No Title
“The old saying is true: You are who you associate with. That makes me 72 ducks.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“I once saw 37,000 kids gathered together, and I said, “Is this a public school math class?” Also, I get the numbers 37,000 and 42 confused.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“I’m a duck farmer, and that’s not something you go to school to be. If you did, there certainly wouldn’t be any kickball classes.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“I got a call last week from Harvard. They want me to come to Boston to teach Nonsense 101. I told them I'm 72 ducks, and they don't have a pool big enough to afford me.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“I partly base my financial decisions on the annual migratory patterns of Bigfoot, because maps are the new charts, as taught by the esteemed Ponce de Leon School of Beauty, Youth, Wealth, and Duck Farming, but what do you say to a man who wants to be his own cartographer?”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“I just invented a way to put the smooth sounds of a saxophone directly into a trumpet—with little or minimal rusting. When you listen to my music, just close your eyes, because your mind is about to take a romantic trip—inside of a mental elevator.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“If you asked what my favorite music is, I'd say the kind you'd hear while shopping for groceries on a Tuesday afternoon. That's just the kind of romantic I am. But when working around my ducks, I'm all business, like smooth jazz in a crowded elevator.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“I once worked in a glass shop. We manufactured ceilings to keep women out of upper management.”
Source: 94,000 Wasps in a Trench Coat
“My ballsack contains Future People. I’m holding a Meet ‘N’ Greet this Saturday in Branson.”
Source: Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast
“I hate fake people. You know what I’m talking about. Mannequins.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“I just stuffed my briefcase full of necessary items, and now I'm off to work. It's heavy to carry because it contains 333 dank memes and one baloney sandwich.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“Women always ask me what I do for a living. The answer should be obvious: As little as possible.”
Source: I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge
“I golf like a Jackson Pollock painting. I splatter my shots all over the place—and then I act like I just produced a masterpiece.”
Source: To be good at golf you must go full koala bear
“Camouflaged letters would help improve communication, and I explain the reason why in this invisible text:”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Sometimes I fish, and sometimes my vending machine is broken so I can’t. Thanks for all your Butterfly Smiles. I have them FOR SALE as Powdered Rose Substitute, for people who don't like the taste of their morning protein shakes.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Seth Rogen is a funny guy. In fact, his sense of humor is so advanced that when he tells a joke, he's the only one who laughs.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“Her favorite movie was Somewhere In Time, and she wanted me to be her Christopher Reeve. She probably meant she wanted me to be her Superman, but I always took it like she wanted me to be a guy pretending to need a wheelchair before faking my own death.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“Catcallers offer a valuable service to the community, and I'm proud to say I donate my time and energy to such a charitable cause. If you need me I'll be whistling on the sidewalk.”
Source: Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast
“I used to work in a tall office building, and I carried a briefcase. It was empty of business, but when people tried to stop me to talk, I'd hold it up and say, "Gotta run. Look how busy I am.”
Source: I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge
“I used to date the lead singer of The Cranberries, but she cheated on me. Turns out she had some turkey on the side.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“What if dating apps are mostly populated by Deep Fakes, designed to get you to waste your life swiping right and keep you single? I say this because the last three matches I met up with for coffee turned out to be holograms.”
Source: Don't Even Get Me Started On The Beastie Boys
“Here’s an eternally true statement: No matter how much good you’ve done, you could always have done more. The earlier you recognize that, the easier it is for you to accept blame.”
Source: I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge
“Ever since I was a little boy, I've always been able to talk to cats. Of course, they act like they don't know what I'm saying and they ignore me, but that's just how they show they care.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“Whales should have solar panels on their backs. That would make them more fuel efficient, and it would also stop them from crying outside my window every night.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“I’m out of tears, but I’m not going to cry about it. I’m also out of tiers, but that’s on a whole different level that only ducks swimming through the air can reach.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“If someone makes you dig your own grave at gunpoint, that’s the perfect time to tell your edgiest duck joke. Because what’s the other guy going to do, kill you? Then he’d have to shovel.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“Never let go of a good thing without a fight. Especially if that good thing is a pair of boxing gloves.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“You bring the Tupperware full of Leftover Meatloaf, and I’ll bring the heckin’ dang. I’ll also bring an empty container (my stomach).”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“The Red Hot Chili Peppers have a great song about a bridge. And I can relate, because I love spicy food.”
Source: The Lewis and Clark of The Ozarks
“Why are there no saxophone-flavored potato chips? It's like they don't want my car to run on an alternative form of energy.”
Source: Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast
“Fishing tip #11: To make your fish look fresher, stick those plastic googly eyes on them—even if your fish are still alive and swimming. Fish are natural clowns, they will find your sense of humor endearing, and they will appreciate you more when you eat them.”
Source: 94,000 Wasps in a Trench Coat
“Invention idea: Broccoli-flavored bubblegum. You know, for kids who won't eat their vegetables. Plus, it will make a great leftover snack when you're by the lake feeding ducks and you find some stuck underneath the park bench you're sitting on.”
Source: BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm presents: Two Ducks Brawling Is A Pre-Pillow Fight
“Ducks taste like lobster—if you're blind in your tongue. Ask me about my available Braille flavors.”
Source: BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm presents: Two Ducks Brawling Is A Pre-Pillow Fight
“A cigarette is just rolled up leaves, which makes it a smokable salad burrito. That makes the golfer John Daly a health advocate.”
Source: To be good at golf you must go full koala bear
“The CDC could recommend condomless sex with camels, and some people would go out and fuck desert horses. Try not to get sand in your vagina.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“Money laundering is dirty business. Next time, try duck farming.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“Pickleball IS life. In fact, the game should replace fiat currency as a facilitator of trade. If you want to sell something tangible like a duck, why price it in dollars? Just haggle over units of pickleball play equal in value to a swimming bird.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“I once saw two endangered species about to have sex, but I had to put a stop to it because I suspected one of them of being a prostitute. Then I went to the ATM and took out some cash just to be certain.”
Source: I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge
“Your orange fanny pack reminds me of my Leftover Meatloaf Holder. I wear it when I work out or make love. My incredible level of romance can be rented by you for the unbelievably low price of $14.95 per hour.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“The Whisper Factory is now hiring! Report your grandma for suspicious behavior and get PAID!”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Do you sometimes get drunk and take a bath in a pile of cash? If so, you may be suffering from hyperinflation.”
Source: I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge
“When women ask me what I do for a living, I’m going to tell them I earn money the old-fashioned way. Then I’ll go on to explain that I somehow managed to get my name added to an African Charity list, and generous Americans donate eight dollars a month so that I can afford to feed myself, but that I spend it all on my new Twitter blue check.”
Source: Don't Even Get Me Started On The Beastie Boys
“There's not much money to be made in duck farming. That's OK, because The Whisper Factory is now hiring! Report your grandma for suspicious behavior and get PAID!”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“I just shared a near-death experience with a duck. Tell Grandmother I’ll be home by $2.99, but that I plan on using a coupon, so don't wait up for me.”
Source: One Out of Ten Dentists Agree: This Book Helps Fight Gingivitis. Maybe Tomorrow I’ll Ask Nine More Dentists.: A BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm Production
“She said she was a fan of Edward Snowden, and I replied, "You know, I'm something of a whistleblower myself. In fact, I'm so advanced it's called a flute. I play elevator music as smooth as a duck swims, and if you enjoy the duration of your ride, you might consider tipping.”
Source: One Out of Ten Dentists Agree: This Book Helps Fight Gingivitis. Maybe Tomorrow I’ll Ask Nine More Dentists.: A BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm Production
“I played a round of golf, but I didn't get an eagle. No, that symbol of American FREEDOM flew away faster than I could say Francis Scott Key.”
Source: To be good at golf you must go full koala bear
“Geese are not shaped like footballs. That makes it harder to throw them, but still, our family scores a lot of points when we get together during Thanksgiving.”
Source: Me and memes and memories
“After a stranger asked where I'm from, I told him I'm from Florida, and he said he has been there once and he'd stayed a week. I replied, "Yes, I remember. We all waited for you to come back, and we wondered where you had gone. We cried out for you, but you never answered." Then I offered him a swig of duck soup, because I had a thermos full and we were now practically brothers.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“My cousin doesn't know my name, so he calls me Marie The 13th. I told him, "Please, call me Mr. The 13th. Marie is my father's name." Family reunions are always awkward because nobody there is related to me. Still, I give them all discounts on BearPaw Duck Farm omelets.”
Source: BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm presents: Two Ducks Brawling Is A Pre-Pillow Fight