“I have good news and bad news. The good news is we will all soon be billionaires. The bad news is that by the time that day comes, the dollar will be so devalued that your billions may not purchase your weekly groceries.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“37% of Americans don't have $400 dollars. That's 3.7 out of ten, and I am all four of them.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“The dollar is continually worth less until it's finally worthless. That's how it was designed. It's not money. It's a financial weapon.”
Source: Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast
“Posting with luxury cars like you're wealthy is suspicious. It's the kind of online flex that's pure Synthol.”
Source: Me and memes and memories
“Do you know who profits most in a gold rush? Mining suppliers—merchants. Today that includes marketers, because they're selling an idea or lifestyle. It's why golf's richest men aren't the pro players.”
Source: To be good at golf you must go full koala bear
“Cash rich is future poor. Back in 1913, I could have almost bought a mansion for the price of a cup of coffee today.”
Source: The Lewis and Clark of The Ozarks
“People always ask me, they say, “Jarod, what do you do with your money?” Well, I base my financial decisions on the annual migratory patterns of Bigfoot, because maps are the new charts, as taught by the esteemed Ponce de Leon School of Youth, Wealth, and Duck Farming. Next time you’re in St. Augustine, Fl, or here in The Ozarks, you should stop on by and learn to become your own cartographer.”
Source: Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast
“Eddie Money and Johnny Cash are similar, but not related. The first is something real, and the latter will soon suffer from hyperinflation.”
Source: Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast
“Pensions and 401(k)s are just illusions, like Social Security. You're better off investing in Bigfoot Fur Coats—and I'm now selling all the newest interdimensional flavors.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Why bother taking a DNA Test to discover your genealogy? Just go buy a lottery ticket, and if you win, all your distant relatives will find you.”
Source: 94,000 Wasps in a Trench Coat
“I partly base my financial decisions on the annual migratory patterns of Bigfoot, because maps are the new charts, as taught by the esteemed Ponce de Leon School of Beauty, Youth, Wealth, and Duck Farming, but what do you say to a man who wants to be his own cartographer?”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“Bags of potato chips have so much air they could be used as cushions for suicidal skyscraper jumpers. That's called inflation, because you spend more money and get less product. But here on my duck farm, we know the value of a dollar—and that's why we don't accept them.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“I live in a different time zone than you, which means I am a Man of The Future, and I can tell you strange and wonderful things. (Ask me about The Council of Ducks of 2244.) But don’t query me for winning lottery ticket numbers, because you don’t really want to meet all your extended family, do you?”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“Some men find religion, and other men find wealth and have no use for God. But can a pile of gold save you from starvation? Shop BearPaw Duck Farm for the highest famine prices since 1933.”
Source: BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm presents: Two Ducks Brawling Is A Pre-Pillow Fight
“Women judge you by how much money you make and how prestigious your job title. That's why when women ask me what I do for a living, I tell them I'm a platinum salesman, and I source catalytic converters for discrete buyers.”
Source: I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge
“I used to work at a pizza place. Instead of giving me a raise, my boss threw me a pizza party. He made me make all the food.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“Women always ask me what I do for a living. The answer should be obvious: As little as possible.”
Source: I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge
“You don't need a vacation. You just need to dig a pond on your land and buy some ducks, and then you can enjoy moments of escapism without ever leaving your property.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“Compact trash into a cube. Then slice it into thin layers and BOOM—you’ve got pieces of modern art. Each sliver belongs in a museum, doing what it’s designed to do—launder money.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“Her name is Penny. That's another way to be called worthless. She can thank inflation and Central Bankers.”
Source: Me and memes and memories
“People who wait for your service to go on sale are saying they don’t value you. They like you, but they’d like you better if you were more exploitable.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“Pizza as a reward at work, gotta love it. Personally, I'd rather have that than a raise. Give me a pizza, boss, and let me know you truly value the work I do.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“Why pay someone else ten dollars for one item that does two things, when for five dollars apiece I can sell you two items that each does one thing? It’s the same price, and the same things, but it’s not the same thing.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“I have an English degree, which has as much value as The Papiermark in The Weimar Republic in 1923. It's worthless, and why I'm now a duck farmer. Plus, what could I do with English but be a classroom colonialist? If I wanted to teach something racist, I'd be a math professor.”
Source: Ducks are the stars of the karaoke bird world
“Is Cash king? Johnny is, but The Dollar definitely is not.”
Source: Me and memes and memories
“Blackmail is the ideal business, because the target is incentivized to keep your flow of money a secret. And it’s almost a victimless crime, because it’s not like the human cash machine is innocent, and their guilt and refusal to publicly admit their atrocity is what makes it OK.”
Source: Me and memes and memories
“Money is a chameleon. It can transform itself into any representation. Sometimes money looks like a pile of cheeseburgers, and other times it looks like a used car, but in both cases it's still money presented as an equal of something not like itself at all.”
Source: Me and memes and memories
“The key to getting a discount is timing. Always negotiate on price before you pay.”
Source: Me and memes and memories
“I love Johnny Cash and Eddie Money. But for the purest sound, listen to Richie Goldandsilver.”
Source: Me and memes and memories
“Inflation hurts us all. Today I'm seeing inflation at the grocery store, the leisure sector, and even on my golf scorecard. Yes, The Central Bank is to blame for my horrendous game.”
Source: To be good at golf you must go full koala bear
“Money laundering is dirty business. Next time, try duck farming.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“Glenda told me that somebody just bought Andy Williams’ theater in Branson. Don’t look at me. This morning, I financed my coffee at the café over four monthly payments of 99 cents.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“Pickleball IS life. In fact, the game should replace fiat currency as a facilitator of trade. If you want to sell something tangible like a duck, why price it in dollars? Just haggle over units of pickleball play equal in value to a swimming bird.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“I only VOTE with my wallet. I have no money, so you should probably try to buy my support.”
Source: Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast
“Why does Joe Normie think it’s a litmus test for morality if one returns one’s shopping cart? Big-box stores put out of business local retailers, they automated their systems to reduce employees, and they got customers to be their own cashiers without getting paid for their labor, and yet to prove I’m a good person, I’m supposed to do more unpaid work for them to streamline their operation?”
Source: Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast
“Here’s what I’d love to see: A vending machine that dispenses cats for petting on your lunch break. Instead of money, the machine accepts hugs.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“I once saw two endangered species about to have sex, but I had to put a stop to it because I suspected one of them of being a prostitute. Then I went to the ATM and took out some cash just to be certain.”
Source: I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge
“There are two types of things to do in Branson: Things that cost money and things that aren’t fun. Some things are both things.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Your orange fanny pack reminds me of my Leftover Meatloaf Holder. I wear it when I work out or make love. My incredible level of romance can be rented by you for the unbelievably low price of $14.95 per hour.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Eddie Money and Johnny Cash should have collaborated. I’d have paid good last name to see them in concert.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“The Whisper Factory is now hiring! Report your grandma for suspicious behavior and get PAID!”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Why bother reading? Why not just download all the known knowledge directly into your brain? Let Elon Musk implant a chip through your skull and get a year's subscription to heated seats in your Tesla for FREE.”
Source: I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge
“If I ever write a book on money, it will be free, because I don't know anything about the subject—including how to make it. I guess that makes me almost as qualified as college economics professors.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Sales is a hard way to make money, trying to convince people to willingly pay you for a product or service. I prefer making money the old-fashioned way, by extortion, like the government does.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Quarterbacks shouldn’t leave the pocket, because that’s where the money is. Every politician knows this.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“A penny saved is a penny wasted. Thanks, fiat currency and inflation!”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Do you sometimes get drunk and take a bath in a pile of cash? If so, you may be suffering from hyperinflation.”
Source: I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge
“Do you enjoy being out in nature? By 2030, when you're living in your 20 by 30 cement stacked box in the city, you'll probably be able to rent walks in the park for ONLY $19.95 per month.”
Source: 94,000 Wasps in a Trench Coat
“For me, publishing books in hardback format is a protest against The World Economic Forum's decree that we will own nothing and be happy about it. In an economy that's subscription based, where we stream or rent everything as a service, this is my tiny, tangible fuck you.”
Source: 94,000 Wasps in a Trench Coat
“When women ask me what I do for a living, I’m going to tell them I earn money the old-fashioned way. Then I’ll go on to explain that I somehow managed to get my name added to an African Charity list, and generous Americans donate eight dollars a month so that I can afford to feed myself, but that I spend it all on my new Twitter blue check.”
Source: Don't Even Get Me Started On The Beastie Boys