“One time one guy said he had a stroke reading my absurd writing, so I said, “Thank you for your service.” Then I continued washing my dishes in my lawnmower, because my ducks were splashing around in the kitchen sink.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“I just started reading Holderread's duck farming book. It is excellent! I can't wait to get to the second sentence.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“I read the newspaper a little at a time. I cut the paper up into tiny slivers, each about the size of a fortune cookie slogan, and then I mix all the scraps together and then read them at random one by one. That's how I stay current with duck farm trends.”
Source: Ducks are the stars of the karaoke bird world
“Life isn't about winning or losing. Between those two extremes there is a middle ground, and that middle ground is where I let my ducks roam and graze on and lay their eggs—which are now ON SALE at Trophies For All prices.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“In high school, I was on the carpentry team, but I got benched. It was awkward sitting on it while my teammates built it.”
Source: The Lewis and Clark of The Ozarks
“Ducks can both swim and fly, and that made me realize that the ocean and the sky are one continuous body of water. That is one body I’d like to see in a bikini.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“Psychological trigger codes used to be hidden words embedded in images. But what if the words are now invisible and inaudible and pulsed at you at a frequency that's easily absorbed by your penis?”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“We shared some laughs, her and I. I was content to go on sharing, but she took her whole Box of Laughter and went home, leaving me alone with my memes.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“When I told people I’d reinvent the orgasm, people moaned in disbelief. Well, nobody’s moaning now.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“I've heard it said a man fully matures at age 43. I'm 41 and a half now, so I guess I have 18 months to fuck around and find out.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“Fishing Lessons are now ON SALE. I’ll meet you on the dock, just as soon as you finish building it. Nails are now half-priced. Oh, and Flying Lessons are now 50% OFF, but if you can teach my ducks how to AirSwim, I'll pay you 51%.”
Source: BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm presents: Two Ducks Brawling Is A Pre-Pillow Fight
“You need skills to be good at homesteading. You need farming, carpentry, and above all, you need to be able to impersonate Elvis. When society collapses, that’s probably what will save your life.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“When I go to art museums, I push a bag of midget carrots in a baby stroller, and it feels like the stuff on the wall is watching me. As a fatheresque person of curiosity, I feel misunderstood, but at least The Ducks know me.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“Ride a horse that’s riding a bicycle. That would make you The Lance Armstrong of cowboys.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“The sign in the forest said, “Closed For Repairs.” I wrote it and nailed it on a tree myself. I’m a farmer of parking lots, and I grow them like 1980s mall culture.”
Source: 94,000 Wasps in a Trench Coat
“In my library are many books. There are also many ducks, because those are the engines that power the 11th century, which is where I live today, just like everybody else who doesn’t believe the lies told by calendars.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“We can’t meet at the restaurant Monday because they are closed Mondays. I wish Mondays were closed and the restaurant was open. Or we could meet somewhere in the middle, like ajar, which is OpenClosed. That reminds me: Duck Soup goes best in a jar.”
Source: BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm presents: Two Ducks Brawling Is A Pre-Pillow Fight
“Over time, ink fades like a duck quack in the wind. I have a baseball signed by Babe Ruth, but his autograph has gone invisible. That’s why it’s now ON SALE for ONLY $19.95.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“I recently made my directorial debut in the category of duck documentary—in GIF format. I hope viewers don’t think my cinematic masterpiece goes on too long, because the extended version comes in at just over six seconds—which might be pushing the limits of modern attention spans.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“Some people drink soda. I prefer hummingbird fluid. It will make your heart flutter so fast it's like it's hovering in place in your chest, and that's why The Government doesn't want you to know it exists in seven great flavors to choose from (eight, if you count the extra one).”
Source: Me and memes and memories
“I’m now selling Duck-Soup Popsicles in vintage meatloaf colors. The flavor of 1991 has never looked so good while camping. Just ask Bigfoot.”
Source: BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm presents: Two Ducks Brawling Is A Pre-Pillow Fight
“Pool tables should have contours, like golf courses. For a novice billiards player, I have a pretty good swing.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“My ducks are being snatched one by one in the dark of night by a stealthy predator, probably a bobcat. To show this thief he is not welcome, I have posted a No Trespassing sign. That ought to stop him.”
Source: BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm presents: Two Ducks Brawling Is A Pre-Pillow Fight
“I don't let my spaghetti dangle, or twirl it around my fork. I cut it. Of course, my preferred slicing utensil is a Rubik's Cube, because knives are edgy, but 3D squares are 12 times more dangerous.”
Source: Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast
“There’s really only one thing to do when you discover you’ve made a mistake: Hide it. And if you can’t hide it, find someone plausible to blame. This is The Way of The Politician.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“Tourists are as fleeting as holographic butterflies. The only thing permanent in this world is my Leftover Meatloaf. Branson needs to quickly learn this before I'm completely SOLD OUT.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Frisland is a country that's so powerful it had itself removed off all world maps, so it could stealthily gain influence. It has an ancient ruler named King Anthony, better known as Susan B. Anthony. Susan really do be Anthony.
King Anthony began to reign over Frisland just as soon as Susan B. Anthony "died." At first, King Anthony was kept alive through crude cloning techniques, but over the last century, technology has advanced so far that now King Anthony exists as a spirit embedded in a hologram.”
Source: 94,000 Wasps in a Trench Coat
“John Daly is from Arkansas, but now lives in Florida. I'm from Florida, but now I live in Arkansas. I am the inverse John Daly, and I think my golf game proves it.”
Source: To be good at golf you must go full koala bear
“El Lindo tastes like the line from that famous murder mystery movie “Rambo,” when Nicolas Cage rips off his tuxedo and says, “I may be a lot of things, but I ain’t a man to call Taco Bell Mexican cuisine." I love a good romance.”
Source: 94,000 Wasps in a Trench Coat
“I make my Duck Soup Milkshakes by hand, the same way I make my handshakes. Just kidding—my hello, nice-to-meet-yous are all store-bought at Walmart and translated by Google. 你好，很高興認識你.”
Source: BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm presents: Two Ducks Brawling Is A Pre-Pillow Fight
“I watched the cheese melt in the microwave—along with the surrounding plastic. I forgot to take it out of its package before use, just like my golf game.”
Source: To be good at golf you must go full koala bear
“Sometimes the best pizza is sushi. That’s where I go to get my haircut. Discounts available for fish with fur.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Sometimes the best pizza is sushi. That’s where I go to get my haircut. Discounts available for fish with fur. (Ducks are birds that swim, and are therefore not pizza.)”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“Give a man a pair of scissors, and he can cut his son’s hair. But teach his son how to play baseball, and his son can then cut his own hair.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“If there are three empty urinals in a public restroom, I'll take the middle one to pee. That forces the next guy to piss to stand next to me, and then I can initiate conversation.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“Walk around with an open can of tuna in your pocket. You know, for a way to start conversations and offer strangers some finger food while you are both peeing in neighboring urinals.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“I have great taste in music. You know this because all of my favorite songs play overhead in the men's restroom at Walmart.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“When we were kids, getting your mouth washed out with soap was punishment. But today, I’m selling duck-soup-flavored soap that your own kids will beg to have for dinner, which you’ll eat under a waterfall for maximum bubbles.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“I nailed my ice skates to a wooden floor. That’s how I learned to play hockey like a duck swims in soup.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“I once saw a waterfall walk up a flight of stairs, when it could have easily taken the escalator. That's what I would have done, if I were composed of 40% more H2O.”
Source: The Lewis and Clark of The Ozarks
“Sometimes my kitchen sink doubles as a duck pond. Problem is, I can't exactly move my diving board, so I have to relocate Greg Louganis Hour to another slot, like one on the toaster.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“I once visited a library that had no books. Instead, the room was filled with urinals and sinks, so I drank my coffee and chatted with fellow intellectuals and felt grateful to be using my college education.”
Source: Me and memes and memories
“I self-tested myself, and my IQ is 33. That means I’m entitled to special treatment, I can get away with saying things that a normal person couldn’t, and I’m allowed to have public outbursts and tantrums and people have to tolerate it and even compliment me to calm me down.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“Penguins are Antarctica's Pekin duck, and Admiral Byrd just sent me a telegram telling me he wants me to come down there and teach him how to ice fish. The trick is not gluing the bananas to your wetsuit, and keeping the volume of The Golden Girls set at 33.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“A bicycle rode itself to my house, where I gave it swimming lessons at 15 bucks an hour. So it paid me 37 cents, before telling me I should write a book on Duck Farming.”
Source: BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm presents: Two Ducks Brawling Is A Pre-Pillow Fight
“I saw a woman wearing yellow Nikes, so I said, “I love your red shoes.” She told me they are yellow, and I said, "I hate to be the one to tell you this, but you are colorblind.” Then I asked her if she wanted to buy a Pekin duck, because we could both agree that its beak was orange.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“I once saw a moat bicycling around a castle. It was being chased by a soggy giraffe that had a tornado for a neck. I was on the overlooking grassy hill, selling lasagna-free duck soup by the slice to tourists from Nebraska.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“Nine out of ten dentists recommend my duck-soup-flavored toothpaste. Finally, a toothpaste that was designed to be paired with orange juice. It also goes well with red wine, if you like to start your morning off that way.”
Source: BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm presents: Two Ducks Brawling Is A Pre-Pillow Fight
“The skills needed to stay employable are changing daily, which is why I'm now offering a class called: "How To Sew Pants While Riding A Unicycle And Playing The Saxophone Like A Quacking Duck." What are the jobs of The Future? Nobody knows, but my class will train you to Get Hired!”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“I'm about to make an absurd BearPaw Duck Farm meme. To make a proper marketing GIF, there's only one rule: No matter what flavor you are hoping to achieve, you can never sprinkle in too much saxophone.”
Source: BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm presents: Two Ducks Brawling Is A Pre-Pillow Fight