“I don't play the saxophone. But that's OK, because I talk to my quacking ducks, and our conversation is like music to my neighbor's six AM ears.”
Source: Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast
“I managed to combine a saxophone and a trombone into one musical sound. Then I powdered it and sealed it in a can, so when you’re ready to enjoy it just add water and stir.”
Source: Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast
“I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge. I also arrange notes in other shapes, like sound sculptures.”
Source: Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast
“I play jazz. Duck noises come out of my saxophone, and that lack of musical quality is how you know I’ve mastered the genre.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“I’m wearing a new shirt, and I just spilled saxophone all over it. It will stain like a cacophony of quacking ducks, and that can only mean one thing—it’s time for breakfast.”
Source: Ducks are the stars of the karaoke bird world
“People ask me if I like golfing, and I look at them and reply, "Does The Pope wipe his ass with tuna fish sandwiches?" That response is NOT sponsored by Subway.”
Source: To be good at golf you must go full koala bear
“When I walk my feet and knees pop. They always have. I could never be a ninja. I'm as stealthy as a strobe light at midnight, which of course is the universal sign for Buy One Duck, Get Twelve FREE. My neighbors love when I flash that deal outside their bedroom windows.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“Teleportation is weird. Especially if you’re wearing your neighbor’s skin suit and using his body to get around the old fashioned way—by walking. Why don’t you pick me up in a 1990 black Jeep Cherokee?”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“I'm writing a new book: "How To Not Be Seen By Invisible Entities." The book only appears to be blank, but that's because it has to be read with interdimensional eyes, and I help you achieve those in chapter three.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“When giving directions, it's important to be precise. Invoke words such as yonder.”
Source: I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge
“I'm now selling a liquid escalator in a bottle for your showering pleasure. It's an uplifting fragrance. (Bubbled duck quacks sold separately.)”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“Stairs, are they going down or are they going up? Ughh they are so confusing, and that's why I prefer escalators, which are ambitiously unambiguous.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“People watch my unique style of play, and they want to know my top three golf influences. That's easy. John Daly, practicing daily, and an orange and white cat surrounded by yellow ducklings.”
Source: To be good at golf you must go full koala bear
“A dandelion is the golf-ball-on-a-tee of the flower world. That makes me The John Daly of gardeners.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“How do you tell the difference between Coors Light and piss? I don't know, but I'll bet Bear Grylls prefers the taste of the latter.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“My blender is powered by saxophone music. I make smoothies that taste like ducks quacking.”
Source: Me and memes and memories
“I have a golf swing like a Rosary dangling off a car's rearview mirror. I hope watching me play makes you realize Catholicism isn't for you.”
Source: To be good at golf you must go full koala bear
“My Karate Chamber smells like sliced meat. I chopped it thin with my bare hands.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“All the potholes in the roads need to be filled. You should fill them with my homemade chicken noodle soup.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“An elevator is a ride. It’s for thrill seekers and adrenaline junkies.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“M.C. Escher called. He wanted to sell me some upside-down stairs. I said I already have a few, and then I got him to buy an upwalking slinky.”
Source: The Lewis and Clark of The Ozarks
“Along with ducks, I’m somewhat of a wine expert. I know there are three kinds of wine: Red, white, and pink, for those connoisseurs like me who mix the two for optimal chugging. I should be a sommelier and rent out my alcoholic grape juice experience to sophisticated buyers.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“A can of tomato soup has many uses. One of them is as a projectile through a window. Next time, buy some Condensed Duck Juice.”
Source: One Out of Ten Dentists Agree: This Book Helps Fight Gingivitis. Maybe Tomorrow I’ll Ask Nine More Dentists.: A BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm Production
“My favorite part about a wind farm is the invisible fruit that it yields. Plus, it's like a garden of giant metal flowers, and that's almost as romantic as a book composed exclusively of duck quotes.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“I'm addicted to cheese. It's a real addiction, but I get no love like the alcoholics.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“I’m not a hillbilly. I’m more upscale. I’m a hillwilliam.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“I can make it rain, just by waiting. I'm like that all the time, some of the time.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“To blame me in the past is a very future me thing to do. But what am I supposed to do, scapegoat someone else for my mistakes? Somebody needs to be held accountable, and it certainly won’t be the version of me in that moment.”
Source: The Lewis and Clark of The Ozarks
“I drank all the water in my thermos, and it is empty. That means the water is in me, and I have become the thermos. I’m like Stanley, only not as popular.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“Every Friday The Thirteenth I celebrate Knights Templar Day. Here at my Duck Farm Gift Shop, I've got THE authentic map that details the location of their hidden treasure, and I'll sell it to you for ONLY $19.95. (Limit one per customer.)”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“I've been to Mansfield. Maybe one day I'll go back and find myself an Amish woman to marry and we will have enough kids so they can all just pick up my barn and we can move my duck farm to the newest Meme Factory where I'll find work as a caption creator.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“It's not easy to be the best. But it helps if you're willing to buy your own trophies.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“To blame me in the past is a very future me thing to do. But what am I supposed to do, blame someone else for my mistakes? Somebody needs to be held accountable, and it certainly won’t be the version of me in that moment.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“I shimmy so much before teeing off, people are probably thinking, "Are you going to golf—or dance?” Well, why not both?”
Source: To be good at golf you must go full koala bear
“Some people sing and dance. I do the opposite of that, and I think the only person who could truly appreciate my art is Helen Keller.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“Using only audio software and recordings of ducks quacking and splashing in water, I make intergender music. That way you can ponder if you are truly Disney Trans enough for modern society while you dance with yourself.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“I make music for people who dance like squids. Each song is fluid, and if you heard one you’d probably drown.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“I admire the flow of your dancing moves, and I'd love to bottle them up and sell them as windshield wiper fluid. I only wish they came in Ozarks Rain Flavor.”
Source: The Lewis and Clark of The Ozarks
“Dance critics all over the world have called my body moves, “Sculpturesque,” “As full of motion as a Rodin statue,” and “Like watching Helen Keller eat Jell-O with her elbows.” My dancing is so still and silent that it belongs to a foggy Ozarks morning.”
Source: The Lewis and Clark of The Ozarks
“Jazz is made for elevators. It's crafted for the finest dancing spaces.”
Source: Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast
“I can teach you how to dance, but I can't teach you how to be sexy. Well, I mean I can, but it'll cost you an additional $19.95.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Dance critics all over the world have called my body moves, “Sculpturesque,” “As full of motion as a Rodin statue,” and “Like watching Helen Keller eat Jell-O with her elbows.” My dancing is so still and silent that it belongs on a shelf in a library, next to other great literature.”
Source: 94,000 Wasps in a Trench Coat
“All the boys in the middle school locker room used to tease me and tell me I danced like Tina Turner. But that didn't stop them from throwing baloney sandwiches at me and whistling.”
Source: I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge
“What's the difference between running shoes and dancing shoes? Nothing, if you find a song that's 26.2 miles long.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Growing up, I was always filled with DoNotDisturbery, and I dance like a Slippery When Wet sign with legs. The jerky motion might remind you of a Pekin duck in flight.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“I bought an aquarium for my ducks, because that's kind of how I dance. Lessons start at $19.83 and move on up to 1984 in a Boogaloo Orwell mix. There was too much electricity, so I had to unplug my moves from The Matrix. (Kneepads not included.)”
Source: One Out of Ten Dentists Agree: This Book Helps Fight Gingivitis. Maybe Tomorrow I’ll Ask Nine More Dentists.: A BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm Production
“Roller skating is dancing with wheels. I let the rhythm flow through my body like water through a duck. Watch where you step.”
Source: BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm presents: Two Ducks Brawling Is A Pre-Pillow Fight
“I dance like a rodeo tornado, and I make duck soup with extra feathers. To make it taste more authentic, you should try drinking it out of a dusty cowboy boot.”
Source: BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm presents: Two Ducks Brawling Is A Pre-Pillow Fight
“I'm wearing my Midnight Black Dancing Shoes. They are shaped like vintage locomotives, and I move like the memory of Branson in 1991—which fluctuates by minutes every day, just like the scene at my duck farm.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“I dance like my legs are made of Jell-O. I know, exotic and romantic, right? But my dancing also now comes in Duck Soup Flavor, and is FOR SALE in small, medium, and buffet-style.”
Source: BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm presents: Two Ducks Brawling Is A Pre-Pillow Fight