“I'm a Starbucks coffee connoisseur. You know I'm an expert, because I can't distinguish between their java and muddy duck water.”
Source: BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm presents: Two Ducks Brawling Is A Pre-Pillow Fight
“I love cola-flavored soda—especially if it's authentically brown colored and manufactured by the government. It reminds me that Soviet Russia never produced any great golfers, and that is the only mistake made by the game over the centuries.”
Source: To be good at golf you must go full koala bear
“Pickleball is the greatest sport ever invented. Nowhere else will you see communities torn apart by opposing groups of Boomers, each battling over courts like rival gangs fighting over turf.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“Branson is the Maine of Missouri. We don't have Murder, She Wrote, but we do have at least one killer writer.”
Source: Me and memes and memories
“I love when I shake a mustard bottle really well and go to squirt a line on my hotdog and out spurts a yellow watery substance. They should sell that as an energy drink, because it really gets me amped up.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“First Artificial Intelligence stole all the jobs. Then it snatched up all the people off the streets at night, and now I'm left alone, playing my saxophone at the moon.”
Source: The Lewis and Clark of The Ozarks
“Play your saxophone like a quacking duck. An electric guitar full of lightning doesn't even have that energy.”
Source: The Lewis and Clark of The Ozarks
“I don't play the saxophone. But that's OK, because I talk to my quacking ducks, and our conversation is like music to my neighbor's six AM ears.”
Source: Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast
“I managed to combine a saxophone and a trombone into one musical sound. Then I powdered it and sealed it in a can, so when you’re ready to enjoy it just add water and stir.”
Source: Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast
“I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge. I also arrange notes in other shapes, like sound sculptures.”
Source: Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast
“I play jazz. Duck noises come out of my saxophone, and that lack of musical quality is how you know I’ve mastered the genre.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“I like my morning coffee so strong it will wake up the neighbors. And if that doesn't work, I'll start playing my tuba.”
Source: The Lewis and Clark of The Ozarks
“Larry Bird was a great basketball player, but he would have been even better if he were more specific. I'd wear a Larry Duck jersey.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“Teleportation is weird. Especially if you’re wearing your neighbor’s skin suit and using his body to get around the old fashioned way—by walking. Why don’t you pick me up in a 1990 black Jeep Cherokee?”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“I'm writing a new book: "How To Not Be Seen By Invisible Entities." The book only appears to be blank, but that's because it has to be read with interdimensional eyes, and I help you achieve those in chapter three.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“She hadn't seen me in awhile, and she said, "Where have you been? You disappeared off the face of the map." I agreed, and replied, "I am Frisland.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“When giving directions, it's important to be precise. Invoke words such as yonder.”
Source: I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge
“Hidden Valley is a golf course in Springfield. Hidden Valley is also the name of a brand of ranch dressing, and that’s more suited to my game.”
Source: To be good at golf you must go full koala bear
“With tweets and memes, things are exponentially funnier than they used to be 20 years ago. Back then, people went around endlessly quoting the same 20 movies, and acting like each time was hilarious, as we gave and received obligatory chuckles.”
Source: Me and memes and memories
“He said, “Don’t peek,” but all I heard was “Don’t peak.” I agree. Keep on getting better.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“Instead of sidewalks, why not sideruns? After all, the pace of life is faster than it has ever been, so I think our infrastructure’s nomenclature should reflect that.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“I'm a Citizen Journalist, but I'm not a muckraker all the time. In the fall I rake leaves.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“I walked through the desert. I took the escalator. That journey helped me develop my dry sense of humor.”
Source: Me and memes and memories
“Stairs, are they going down or are they going up? Ughh they are so confusing, and that's why I prefer escalators, which are ambitiously unambiguous.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“She called herself a nighshifter, and it took me a second to realize that she meant she works the night shift, and not that she shifts between being a human being and moonlit blackness. I was kind of hoping to watch her morph for me.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“A dandelion is the golf-ball-on-a-tee of the flower world. That makes me The John Daly of gardeners.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“How do you tell the difference between Coors Light and piss? I don't know, but I'll bet Bear Grylls prefers the taste of the latter.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“My blender is powered by saxophone music. I make smoothies that taste like ducks quacking.”
Source: Me and memes and memories
“I once got stabbed, and all I got to show for it was a Popeyes Spicy Chicken Sandwich. Oh, and a scar. But that was years ago, so I think they should release a Spicy Duck Sandwich—and when purchased, it would include a FREE knife.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“I play golf like a machine. That machine is a tractor.”
Source: To be good at golf you must go full koala bear
“My Karate Chamber smells like sliced meat. I chopped it thin with my bare hands.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“Twins are just two nearly identical drainage solutions. They are just a couple of septic systems.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“Inside jokes should never be inverted. That would make them outside jokes, and those often get carried away—mostly by the wind.”
Source: Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast
“All the potholes in the roads need to be filled. You should fill them with my homemade chicken noodle soup.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“An elevator is a ride. It’s for thrill seekers and adrenaline junkies.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“M.C. Escher called. He wanted to sell me some upside-down stairs. I said I already have a few, and then I got him to buy an upwalking slinky.”
Source: The Lewis and Clark of The Ozarks
“I used to be really fast at watching movies. If one flick was 90 minutes long, I would be done in an hour and a half. Now it might take me weeks to finish that same film.”
Source: Me and memes and memories
“A can of tomato soup has many uses. One of them is as a projectile through a window. Next time, buy some Condensed Duck Juice.”
Source: One Out of Ten Dentists Agree: This Book Helps Fight Gingivitis. Maybe Tomorrow I’ll Ask Nine More Dentists.: A BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm Production
“My favorite part about a wind farm is the invisible fruit that it yields. Plus, it's like a garden of giant metal flowers, and that's almost as romantic as a book composed exclusively of duck quotes.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“I'm addicted to cheese. It's a real addiction, but I get no love like the alcoholics.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“I’m not a hillbilly. I’m more upscale. I’m a hillwilliam.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“A porcupine has fur like a fence. That makes it a good neighbor unto itself.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“Why do magicians make rabbits disappear? They should use ducks. I say this because I happen to have a few FOR SALE.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“Stevie splits his time between Branson and Nashville. I think it's smart to divide time by location, rather than AM and PM, because that way you get more distance and are able to extend your life out further.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“If I could time travel, I wouldn’t tell anybody, because who would believe me? I mean, obviously I can time travel, because how do you think I move forward in life?”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“The future is always on its way, but never here. That's why you never invite it for dinner.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“I can make it rain, just by waiting. I'm like that all the time, some of the time.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“The future hasn’t come. And when it arrives, it will be the present. Think about that next time you’re late.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“If you are an aspiring honey farmer, I have a documentary you NEED to watch. It's called The Beekeeper, and it stars Jason Stratham. It is the Mission Impossible of apiculturist culture.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“When slightly open, a door is ajar, but when slightly open, is a jar adoor?”
Source: 94,000 Wasps in a Trench Coat