“Blackmail is the ideal business, because the target is incentivized to keep your flow of money a secret. And it’s almost a victimless crime, because it’s not like the human cash machine is innocent, and their guilt and refusal to publicly admit their atrocity is what makes it OK.”
Source: Me and memes and memories
“Inflation hurts us all. Today I'm seeing inflation at the grocery store, the leisure sector, and even on my golf scorecard. Yes, The Central Bank is to blame for my horrendous game.”
Source: To be good at golf you must go full koala bear
“Money laundering is dirty business. Next time, try duck farming.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“Glenda told me that somebody just bought Andy Williams’ theater in Branson. Don’t look at me. This morning, I financed my coffee at the café over four monthly payments of 99 cents.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“Pickleball IS life. In fact, the game should replace fiat currency as a facilitator of trade. If you want to sell something tangible like a duck, why price it in dollars? Just haggle over units of pickleball play equal in value to a swimming bird.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“I only VOTE with my wallet. I have no money, so you should probably try to buy my support.”
Source: Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast
“Here’s what I’d love to see: A vending machine that dispenses cats for petting on your lunch break. Instead of money, the machine accepts hugs.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“I once saw two endangered species about to have sex, but I had to put a stop to it because I suspected one of them of being a prostitute. Then I went to the ATM and took out some cash just to be certain.”
Source: I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge
“There are two types of things to do in Branson: Things that cost money and things that aren’t fun. Some things are both things.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Your orange fanny pack reminds me of my Leftover Meatloaf Holder. I wear it when I work out or make love. My incredible level of romance can be rented by you for the unbelievably low price of $14.95 per hour.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Eddie Money and Johnny Cash should have collaborated. I’d have paid good last name to see them in concert.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“The Whisper Factory is now hiring! Report your grandma for suspicious behavior and get PAID!”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Why bother reading? Why not just download all the known knowledge directly into your brain? Let Elon Musk implant a chip through your skull and get a year's subscription to heated seats in your Tesla for FREE.”
Source: I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge
“If I ever write a book on money, it will be free, because I don't know anything about the subject—including how to make it. I guess that makes me almost as qualified as college economics professors.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Sales is a hard way to make money, trying to convince people to willingly pay you for a product or service. I prefer making money the old-fashioned way, by extortion, like the government does.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Quarterbacks shouldn’t leave the pocket, because that’s where the money is. Every politician knows this.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“A penny saved is a penny wasted. Thanks, fiat currency and inflation!”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Do you sometimes get drunk and take a bath in a pile of cash? If so, you may be suffering from hyperinflation.”
Source: I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge
“Do you enjoy being out in nature? By 2030, when you're living in your 20 by 30 cement stacked box in the city, you'll probably be able to rent walks in the park for ONLY $19.95 per month.”
Source: 94,000 Wasps in a Trench Coat
“When women ask me what I do for a living, I’m going to tell them I earn money the old-fashioned way. Then I’ll go on to explain that I somehow managed to get my name added to an African Charity list, and generous Americans donate eight dollars a month so that I can afford to feed myself, but that I spend it all on my new Twitter blue check.”
Source: Don't Even Get Me Started On The Beastie Boys
“Why miss a SALE at twenty dollars, when people will buy at $19.95? I've found that the opportunity to save that nickel really makes people say YES to buying a NEW duck.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“If our destiny stems from our name, then I weep for the flower named Wilt.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Old men having an earnest conversation about college football, is there anything more American? Makes me want to VOTE and then send out some 18-year-old to die for my FREEDOM.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“Francis Bacon has the most delicious last name ever, followed closely by Johnny Scrambledeggs. I golf like those two guys make breakfast out of family reunions.”
Source: The Lewis and Clark of The Ozarks
“Ducks love me because I am a dandelion. I am a Wind Flower. I'm half wind, half flower. My mother is a flower and my father is the wind, and I know this because he's so gone he's invisible, but at one time my mother felt his presence.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“I make music one note at a time, just as did Mozart. Tomorrow night you’ll get to hear the second note in my masterpiece symphony.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“Photos have no sound. That’s strange, because even conch shells feature The Song of The Ocean. Why don’t you try playing THAT on your car’s radio?”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“Some trees yield fruit. No tree grows piano music, and that’s exactly the kind of vegetable that goes best with dinner.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“I played saxophone-shaped music for the elevator, and I played extra. Then I cut the excess into frozen cubes and stuffed them in a Tupperware container to take to work to leave in the fridge so they may begin to stink.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“I sneak music into concerts. I release it into the crowd silently through my anus. Its soft melody is scented for maximum pleasure.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“The sailfish is the fastest fish in the world. That’s why it tastes like Christopher Cross’ hit song and is the preferred catch by nine out of ten dentists.”
Source: Me and memes and memories
“Kendrick Lamar's last name is Duckworth. What's a Duckworth? More than a chicken.”
Source: Me and memes and memories
“The secret ingredient to my macaroni and cheese is saxophone music. I use it in powdered format, because sometimes it's dormant from the 1980s.”
Source: Me and memes and memories
“Music is a way to time travel. Most people like to go back to the 80s, 90s, and early 2000s, but have you considered visiting the year 4321 through your ears?”
Source: Me and memes and memories
“I love powdered vaporwave music. That’s what I mix in my coffee to make it taste like fresh elevator.”
Source: Me and memes and memories
“Boxcar Willie was the Bruce Willis of Branson. He made others Die Hard, and usually because they were listening to his music.”
Source: Me and memes and memories
“I went to a music concert last night. I took a bunch of pictures, because nothing captures sound like a photograph.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“Powdered Saxophone Music is now FOR SALE. (Duck pond not included.)”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“Of all the musical tastes, Meat Loaf is the most flavorful. Is there anything better than Leftovers from the 80s?”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“Elevators are supposed to smell like urine. That's what make the jazz playing through the overhead speakers sound more authentic.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“Steven Seagal makes movies only blind people could love. I'm glad he goes full Helen Keller and makes music you have to be deaf to appreciate.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“Music allows us to travel back in time through our ear canals. The top song of 1991, Bryan Adams' "(Everything I Do) I Do It for You", takes me back to Branson in its glory year, and that's like a FREE vacation.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“You should learn how to play the flute. Then you could ride in the passenger seat of my car and play instrumental versions of classic 80s pop songs while I drive around on the clock for Uber.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“I thought people loved it when I played my guitar. Last time I performed Toby Keith, and everyone at the party started engaging in gay butt sex.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“I love powdered saxophone music. That’s what I mix in my coffee to make it taste like fresh elevator.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“My ducks have trumpets for beaks. I do NOT farm the way liquid jazz would fill up an elevator and turn it into an ascending pond.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“What if instead of rain, songs were stored in clouds? Instead of Cumulonimbus, they were Cumulonimusic?”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“Growing up, my mom gave me the choice of either golf lessons or piano, and of course I chose the more musical option. That's how I learned to make triumphant trumpet noises with my mouth.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“I have a musical voice. My songs are best enjoyed in powdered ice-cream format.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“U2 makes music for guys who have ears and can hear. But U2 makes concert imagery for guys who need visual stimulation to help push kidney stones through their urethras.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music