“Seth Rogen is a funny guy. In fact, his sense of humor is so advanced that when he tells a joke, he's the only one who laughs.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“I like a comedian who supplies his own laugh track. That's how I know he just told a joke.”
Source: Me and memes and memories
“Seth Rogen is a unique comedian. When he makes a joke, he's the only one who laughs.”
Source: Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast
“Just because someone likes to laugh, doesn't mean they have a good sense of humor. They could giggle every time they hear a fart, and for them hanging around a public bathroom would be like being in a comedy club. I should sell that person tickets to watch my ducks perform.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“The brain is in the body, and memories are in the brain. Are my memories therefore not physical extensions of me, and able to be frozen for all of eternity, so that someone in the future can dethaw them and laugh at all the jokes I once enjoyed?”
Source: 94,000 Wasps in a Trench Coat
“Her favorite movie was Somewhere In Time, and she wanted me to be her Christopher Reeve. She probably meant she wanted me to be her Superman, but I always took it like she wanted me to be a guy pretending to need a wheelchair before faking my own death.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“When a girl says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask if that includes dental insurance.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“I've been in love one time, I said as I held up my pinky. I would have held up my index finger, but I wasn't in love that long.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Catcallers offer a valuable service to the community, and I'm proud to say I donate my time and energy to such a charitable cause. If you need me I'll be whistling on the sidewalk.”
Source: Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast
“Why pay someone else ten dollars for one item that does two things, when for five dollars apiece I can sell you two items that each does one thing? It’s the same price, and the same things, but it’s not the same thing.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“I used to work in a tall office building, and I carried a briefcase. It was empty of business, but when people tried to stop me to talk, I'd hold it up and say, "Gotta run. Look how busy I am.”
Source: I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge
“At church, during communion, they give out free wine. Whoa! Talk about a great place to drink and meet women.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“I used to date the lead singer of The Cranberries, but she cheated on me. Turns out she had some turkey on the side.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“I asked her on a date for Friday at 8:00. She said, “Some other time, maybe.” So I said, “How about 8:01?””
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Things you share with a man, if you’re a man: The weight of a heavy object you have to move. Not dinner and a movie.”
Source: I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge
“Here’s an eternally true statement: No matter how much good you’ve done, you could always have done more. The earlier you recognize that, the easier it is for you to accept blame.”
Source: I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge
“Your mind is a hole that can be endlessly expanded into an abyss. The depth of your potential nothingness is truly astounding.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“I like books, but my favorite way to get information is to read a person's mind through their body language. It’s always the best writing.”
Source: Don't Even Get Me Started On The Beastie Boys
“Ever since I was a little boy, I've always been able to talk to cats. Of course, they act like they don't know what I'm saying and they ignore me, but that's just how they show they care.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“Music anchors us to a time and place, rooted with feelings, and is invisible liquid nostalgia that flows through our ears directly into our hearts (where our memories are stored). What song was playing when you first thought about stealing a duck out of a park pond?”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“Where two are, loneliness isn't. And with loneliness left out, loneliness is lonely.”
Source: The Lewis and Clark of The Ozarks
“Geese are the terrorists of the bird world. They look similar to ducks, which is natural, because the bad guys always try to look like the heroes.”
Source: I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge
“To me, moths are ugly butterflies. But these days, society probably considers them beauty queens.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“Whales should have solar panels on their backs. That would make them more fuel efficient, and it would also stop them from crying outside my window every night.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“Here’s a good headline: Onion cuts man and cries about it. It actually happened to me.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“He told the joke, but I saw the punch line coming early and was able to dodge it before it hit me. There's nothing funny about being hit by something you saw before it arrived.”
Source: Me and memes and memories
“I told the joke, but someone else got the high five. That’s like me drinking a cup of coffee and a guy in a coma waking up. Go back to bed, buddy, your golfing days are over.”
Source: To be good at golf you must go full koala bear
“I have weapons of self-defense. They’re called jokes.”
Source: Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast
“If someone makes you dig your own grave at gunpoint, that’s the perfect time to tell your edgiest duck joke. Because what’s the other guy going to do, kill you? Then he’d have to shovel.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“Everything I learned about writing a single word in all-caps for effect I learned from STOP signs. As far as bringing a sense of urgency to a word, all-caps is my red octagonal champion.”
Source: Don't Even Get Me Started On The Beastie Boys
“Never let go of a good thing without a fight. Especially if that good thing is a pair of boxing gloves.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“The only gift I have to give is the ability to receive. If giving is a gift, and it surely is, then my gift to you is to allow you to give to me.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“AI can compose music and play the piano. But that's OK, because I can play Chopsticks like I eat Chinese food.”
Source: Me and memes and memories
“My brain probably looks like leftover meatloaf. People of The Future are going to find it and think, "This guy was a genius! We could probably still reheat this and serve it for dinner.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“He said he had one of the worst pizzas in Chicago, and he wanted me to guess where it was from. I said, "New York?”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“You bring the Tupperware full of Leftover Meatloaf, and I’ll bring the heckin’ dang. I’ll also bring an empty container (my stomach).”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“The Red Hot Chili Peppers have a great song about a bridge. And I can relate, because I love spicy food.”
Source: The Lewis and Clark of The Ozarks
“No matter which end of a hotdog you take your first bite from, I’ll tell you you’re eating it backwards. I’m serious, I think you may be dyslexic.”
Source: The Lewis and Clark of The Ozarks
“From farm to table, that’s my goal. Of course, I want to get there cheaply, by cutting out the greedy middleman carrying all my groceries from the trees to my kitchen.”
Source: Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast
“Whaddya mean you don't farm or garden? You mean you get all your food purely as a consooomer?”
Source: World Farming Championship
“I want to lose weight by eating nothing but moon pies, which have significantly less gravity than earthier foods such as fruits and vegetables.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“There will be no purple-haired feminists during the coming food famine. Soon, all women will find cattle ranchers to be the world's sexiest men.”
Source: I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge
“Fishing tip #11: To make your fish look fresher, stick those plastic googly eyes on them—even if your fish are still alive and swimming. Fish are natural clowns, they will find your sense of humor endearing, and they will appreciate you more when you eat them.”
Source: 94,000 Wasps in a Trench Coat
“Watches and clocks are round, like the product Brick Oven serves with five-star flavor, because it's always pizza time. But I'm always split over what to order, because I make their wings disappear like I'm Amelia Earhart.”
Source: 94,000 Wasps in a Trench Coat
“Chinese restaurants seem to be able to stuff a square meter of noodles into a tiny to-go box. If you had that same packing power, what would you cram into your pockets, and why would it be 33 ducks?”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“How many minutes of my life have I wasted staring at the microwave waiting for my plate to get hot while my food stays refrigerated? To save time, and add potentially years to my life, I've decided that I do like cold pizza. I learned that from my ducks, as they LOVE cold pizza.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“A man with no character flaws is a man who recently died and is being eulogized at his own funeral by someone surprised that he left his entire estate to them. One day that man will be me, and I'll be leaving all my ducks to you.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“I want to write a poem about "Truth," "Honor," "Dignity," and whether the toilet paper should roll over or under when you pull on it.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“A cigarette is just rolled up leaves, which makes it a smokable salad burrito. That makes the golfer John Daly a health advocate.”
Source: To be good at golf you must go full koala bear
“The CDC could recommend condomless sex with camels, and some people would go out and fuck desert horses. Try not to get sand in your vagina.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music