“Some questions are shaped like slow elevators, and they deserve words that fill spaces like notes from a brass saxophone. Sometimes the silence of body language is music for my eyes.”
Source: I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge
“They don't play the trombone like the tuba anymore. I blame it on canned tunafish.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“I'm so good at math that you can ask me any question, any equation, and I'll convert it into trumpet sounds with my mouth. If it's tough enough, I may answer with Dizzy Gillespie noises.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“The strings on a guitar are like fishing lines, and I strum them out at sea. Each string has a distinct sound and flavor, but the most popular with the sharks is Leftover Meatloaf, which sounds like Color Me Badd’s 1991 song “I Wanna Sex You Up.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Self-driving cars are so lonely. Are you really going to use all that extra commute time to binge-watch Netflix? Why not hire me to sit next to you and whistle all your favorite tunes?”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“The world is getting more violent, and we need to be prepared. I once trained for a fight by pushing buttons in an elevator. Of course, it was a Saxophone-FREE environment, which favors my physical combat approach.”
Source: I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge
“Piano ducks swimming make noises like drowning saxophones. I taught them how to Mozart like powdered Michael Phelps on the bottom of a crushed box of cereal.”
Source: I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge
“I believe medieval cathedrals are not just overly ornate buildings with intricate designs to please the eyes. I believe they are giant dormant sound machines, and if you were to find the On Button on one, it would probably start playing Celine Dion's greatest hits.”
Source: I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge
“The cat hair floated in the air like a sound vibration, and I plucked it like a guitar string. Sometimes I can be so musical I’m like a living love song.”
Source: 94,000 Wasps in a Trench Coat
“I'll be your Mozart, if you'll be my gang of wolves. If you can do that, I'll also be your Wolfgang—but you’ve got to promise to not attack my ducks.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“I play the saxophone like a duck quacks. Tickets are ONLY $19.95. Lessons sold separately. No assembly required.”
Source: BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm presents: Two Ducks Brawling Is A Pre-Pillow Fight
“The song’s advice said, “Play that funky music, white boy.” So, I took up the xylophone.”
Source: The Lewis and Clark of The Ozarks
“A head of lettuce is empty of thoughts. But is it really that dumb? It never argues over politics or gloats about VOTING.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“I am as America as apple pie shaped like a pocket, so you can carry it in your pants to eat later. My blood is red, white, and blue, I didn't VOTE for the moon landing, but I did fake it, and that's all that matters.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“Math equations converted by mouth into Dizzy Gillespie noises. That's a tax service I offer.”
Source: Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast
“Saying something with your mouth is more important than any other body part. Except your penis, that known communication device.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“If you are the one person who has read my book, I'm sorry that it made you blind. For the full Helen Keller Experience, try the audiobook version.”
Source: Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast
“I want to write a 500-word book full of colorful cartoons. The target reader will be between three to five years old, or a college basketball player.”
Source: Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast
“He said he had a stroke reading my absurd writing, so I said, “Thank you for your service.” Then I continued washing my dishes in my lawnmower.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Of all the books I own, this is the only one I've read twice. It's also the only one I've read once. All my other books are used as decoration, like props to impress visitors.”
Source: I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge
“As far as coffee table books go, this one's slow roasted like Seattle's finest. It even comes with FREE refills that you drink through your eyes.”
Source: I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge
“I just started reading Holderread's duck farming book. It is excellent! I can't wait to get to the second sentence.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“Just down the road from my duck farm, thieves broke into a local bookstore and stole shelves of literature. The police are still trying to get a read on the situation.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“What’s with the phrase “Chatty Cathy”? You’d think you wouldn’t want to abbreviate the derogatory term for someone long-winded. Chatty Catherine sounds more appropriate.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Life isn't about winning or losing. Between those two extremes there is a middle ground, and that middle ground is where I let my ducks roam and graze on and lay their eggs—which are now ON SALE at Trophies For All prices.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“Society has reached such extreme heights of absurdity, and massive depths of depravity, that I can no longer accurately distinguish between truth and satire. That line is as blurry as Bigfoot.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“In high school, I was on the carpentry team, but I got benched. It was awkward sitting on it while my teammates built it.”
Source: The Lewis and Clark of The Ozarks
“Psychological trigger codes used to be hidden words embedded in images. But what if the words are now invisible and inaudible and pulsed at you at a frequency that's easily absorbed by your penis?”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“She thought she knew it all, and I knew better than to argue with a person with a brain that’s at maximum capacity. Just because it’s full, doesn’t mean it contains a large volume of value.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Summers in England are brutally hot. They are so scorching they are like winters in Florida.”
Source: Me and memes and memories
“First the AI came for the lawyers’ jobs, and I did nothing, because it was funny. Then the AI came for the journalists’ jobs, and I again was passive, because it was hilarious. Finally, the AI came for Human Resources’ jobs, and I actually did something—I laughed heartily.”
Source: Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast
“We shared some laughs, her and I. I was content to go on sharing, but she took her whole Box of Laughter and went home, leaving me alone with my memes.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“I’m a book lover. I’ve probably already fucked a whole library.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Your cooking reminds me of a Special Olympics race. Reminds me of the time I came in third place. I should have worn a condom.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“When I told people I’d reinvent the orgasm, people moaned in disbelief. Well, nobody’s moaning now.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Golf is the only sport where you can't tell how good a player might be by glancing at their physical form. I've seen some real slobs shoot scores so low the number is almost their age.”
Source: To be good at golf you must go full koala bear
“I've heard it said a man fully matures at age 43. I'm 41 and a half now, so I guess I have 18 months to fuck around and find out.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“All my failures as a human being I blame on my father. Life is about accepting responsibility, and it’s time my father started being held accountable for my deficiencies.”
Source: The Lewis and Clark of The Ozarks
“When you get arrested, remember that you get one phone call. Next time, use it to order a Chinese food delivery.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“I often can't remember where I'm at. I'm like that all the time. Not so much forgetful, but more futureful. For me, today is always tomorrow. To all the people who live in the moment I say: Stop living in the past.”
Source: 94,000 Wasps in a Trench Coat
“If being forgetful is a sign of high intelligence, then people with Alzheimer's are like Isaac Whatshisname. You know, that one guy who did that one thing. Or was it two things?”
Source: 94,000 Wasps in a Trench Coat
“My armpits sweat like BBQ water. It’s fire-roasted to quench even the thirstiest runner.”
Source: Me and memes and memories
“Ride a horse that’s riding a bicycle. That would make you The Lance Armstrong of cowboys.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“Cats splash in sunlight like ducks in water. Both animals find your conversation so stimulating they could just nap.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“I'm a duck farmer. Am I the world's best duck farmer? Probably not, but there's no official ranking, and I'm a modest guy, so I claim the number two spot.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“How is a balding young woman with thinning hair supposed to make money in this economy? She should sell feet pics.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“The sign in the forest said, “Closed For Repairs.” I wrote it and nailed it on a tree myself. I’m a farmer of parking lots, and I grow them like 1980s mall culture.”
Source: 94,000 Wasps in a Trench Coat
“I see tourists as balloons. I can't take my pet tree for a walk, so instead I host children's parties for geriatrics.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“In my library are many books. There are also many ducks, because those are the engines that power the 11th century, which is where I live today, just like everybody else who doesn’t believe the lies told by calendars.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“Over time, ink fades like a duck quack in the wind. I have a baseball signed by Babe Ruth, but his autograph has gone invisible. That’s why it’s now ON SALE for ONLY $19.95.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.