“The door is ajar. The door is not a jar.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“Money is flowing past you all the time like an invisible breeze. The trick is to get some to slide into your pockets and stay.”
Source: Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast
“I'm running late, but there's always time to scribble weird messages in guest signage books. Also, am I really late? The Catholic Church added a thousand years to history, so I figure I'm actually way ahead of schedule.”
Source: Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast
“To blame me in the past is a very future me thing to do. But what am I supposed to do, scapegoat someone else for my mistakes? Somebody needs to be held accountable, and it certainly won’t be the version of me in that moment.”
Source: The Lewis and Clark of The Ozarks
“I drank all the water in my thermos, and it is empty. That means the water is in me, and I have become the thermos. I’m like Stanley, only not as popular.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“Do you like gunfights? If so, you should visit your nearest Popeyes chicken restaurant. It’s like a real Murder Mystery Dinner.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“I've been to Mansfield. Maybe one day I'll go back and find myself an Amish woman to marry and we will have enough kids so they can all just pick up my barn and we can move my duck farm to the newest Meme Factory where I'll find work as a caption creator.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“If Elvis ran for Mayor of Branson, who would run against him? I mean, besides the dozens of Elvis Impersonators in the area trying to make a name for themselves by trying to make a name for Elvis.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“Don’t try to be better than the best, because once you beat him, he’s a loser. And so what, you beat a loser. Does it make you feel good to go around beating losers?”
Source: Me and memes and memories
“It's not easy to be the best. But it helps if you're willing to buy your own trophies.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“Nature is the best. I suppose you could say that that would therefore make unnatural the second best, but I prefer to think of it as the worst.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“To blame me in the past is a very future me thing to do. But what am I supposed to do, blame someone else for my mistakes? Somebody needs to be held accountable, and it certainly won’t be the version of me in that moment.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Whenever I tell people I like to dance, they invariably ask if I can MoonWalk. No, I say, but I can fake it in a film studio.”
Source: Me and memes and memories
“I shimmy so much before teeing off, people are probably thinking, "Are you going to golf—or dance?” Well, why not both?”
Source: To be good at golf you must go full koala bear
“I once saw a marble statue in a museum, and it shocked me, because that piece of art had stolen my dance moves. Romance frozen in motion is my contribution to the culture of music, and I hope Harrison hires me to perform at their new concert venue.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“Some people sing and dance. I do the opposite of that, and I think the only person who could truly appreciate my art is Helen Keller.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“Using only audio software and recordings of ducks quacking and splashing in water, I make intergender music. That way you can ponder if you are truly Disney Trans enough for modern society while you dance with yourself.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“I make music for people who dance like squids. Each song is fluid, and if you heard one you’d probably drown.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“I admire the flow of your dancing moves, and I'd love to bottle them up and sell them as windshield wiper fluid. I only wish they came in Ozarks Rain Flavor.”
Source: The Lewis and Clark of The Ozarks
“Dance critics all over the world have called my body moves, “Sculpturesque,” “As full of motion as a Rodin statue,” and “Like watching Helen Keller eat Jell-O with her elbows.” My dancing is so still and silent that it belongs to a foggy Ozarks morning.”
Source: The Lewis and Clark of The Ozarks
“Turn the music down, and when you hit zero decibels—turn it down even more. Negative volume produces the most beautiful dancing.”
Source: The Lewis and Clark of The Ozarks
“Jazz is made for elevators. It's crafted for the finest dancing spaces.”
Source: Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast
“The only thing better than Steve Winwood is an instrumental cover of Steve Winwood that's heavy on the flute. When I hear it, I dance like I'm on a crowded elevator.”
Source: Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast
“I can teach you how to dance, but I can't teach you how to be sexy. Well, I mean I can, but it'll cost you an additional $19.95.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Dance critics all over the world have called my body moves, “Sculpturesque,” “As full of motion as a Rodin statue,” and “Like watching Helen Keller eat Jell-O with her elbows.” My dancing is so still and silent that it belongs on a shelf in a library, next to other great literature.”
Source: 94,000 Wasps in a Trench Coat
“Some songs should be silent. They would be more danceable if they were ear camouflaged.”
Source: I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge
“I dance like both my shoes are nailed to the wall. It goes way beyond mere performance and into the realm of art. I am the Rodin of the music world.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“All the boys in the middle school locker room used to tease me and tell me I danced like Tina Turner. But that didn't stop them from throwing baloney sandwiches at me and whistling.”
Source: I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge
“The key to dancing is to do it without music. Whoever first paired dancing and music together was an absolute lunatic, and would have been more useful to society if squeezed out of a tube of toothpaste. Nine out of ten dentists agree with me.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“What's the difference between running shoes and dancing shoes? Nothing, if you find a song that's 26.2 miles long.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Growing up, I was always filled with DoNotDisturbery, and I dance like a Slippery When Wet sign with legs. The jerky motion might remind you of a Pekin duck in flight.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“The truth is like a nipple: the more you twist it, the more somebody is going to get hurt.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“I built a giant gumball machine, and I filled it with duck eggs. The only currency it accepts as payment is karaoke singing.”
Source: I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge
“I wish I got a notification on my phone every time I appeared in someone's dreams. Wouldn't that be cool, or no, because you like being able to secretly think about me?”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“In a Lake of Clouds, there's only one thing you can fish for: Dreams. Mostly I catch mine, but sometimes I catch yours, and I must say I am flattered to always see myself as the co-star in your subconscious fantasies.”
Source: The Lewis and Clark of The Ozarks
“In the New World Order, you’ll probably have to buy a Dream Subscription, and without it sleep will just be black rest. Dreams are entertainment, and for that you’ll have to pay.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Did you know that parts of the brain are in delta sleep even when one is awake? It's this part of the brain one uses to VOTE.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“I make Coach Noises while I sleep. If my yelling wakes you up, you need to sleep harder and stop slacking off.”
Source: Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast
“Sven nudges Cooper’s back with his foot and says, “NASA just came out and claimed an asteroid will pass by the earth that's the size of 112 camels.”
Cooper doesn’t open his eyes, but instead groggily replies, “Wake me up when it's 113 or more. I have a policy that I don't disrupt my naps for anything less than 113 camels.”
Source: World Farming Championship
“I’m not a very good sleeper. But you know what? I’m willing to put in a few extra hours every day to get better. That’s just the kind of hard worker I am.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“How do pillow makers sleep at night? Do they have no souls? How can pillow makers sleep knowing they make an Object of Violence that is involved in more fights than any other component of bedding?”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“I love sleepwalking, because when else would I get to combine exercise and rest?”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“I'm an interesting guy. I have thrilling hobbies like sleeping, napping, and dozing. If we meet up and chat over coffee, your conversation will probably excite me enough to give you a demonstration of my skills.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“People say jazz puts them to sleep. As a master saxophone player, one who sounds like a duck quacking, I don't know if they're trying to insult me or insinuating they found a holistic solution to their insomnia. My music NOW comes in water-soluble tablets to be taken before bed.”
Source: One Out of Ten Dentists Agree: This Book Helps Fight Gingivitis. Maybe Tomorrow I’ll Ask Nine More Dentists.: A BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm Production
“What if guns shot clouds, rather than bullets? Then they’d not only be peaceful, but they’d be delayed water guns. Is there a Nobel Farm Prize?”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Only men who have crouched in the trenches under heavy machine gun fire, and then rose as one to charge the perceived enemy, know true comradery. But hey, maybe corporate team building exercises also transform strangers into brothers.”
Source: Me and memes and memories