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Hilarious Quotes

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Hilarious Quotes

“I don't know,' he said irritably. 'Is it meant to improve you?' She swiveled toward him, eyes wide with shock. 'Because nothing could,' he added. Her mouth dropped in astonishment. Blotchy scarlet rushed her complexion. One would have thought he'd shot her. Oh dear God! He realized belatedly how wrong it had sounded. 'No! God... that is to say.. nothing is necessary to improve you. Nothing could possibly make you better... than you already are.”

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Book:How the Marquess Was Won
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“Moses: She definitely knows, and she’s pissed. Kilian: How pissed? Moses: She’s out for blood. Oscar: Oh well, it was going to happen eventually. Theodore: Easy for you to say. She already hates you. Oscar: There’s a fine line. And I’m the only one who didn’t pretend to be her friend, so I guess I’ve just taken your place as favourite, pretty boy. Theodore has left the chat. Moses: Seriously, O? I’m the one who has to deal with him now. Elijah: How can you be sure? Add Theo back. Theodore has joined the chat. Theodore has left the chat. Elijah: I swear to fucking god. Add him again, and tell him Oscar is muted. Theodore has joined the chat. Oscar has been muted.”

FriendsArgumentHilariousLolGuysTextsActing Like Kids ImmatureGroup Chat
Book:Tourner
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“Taken from the dedication in my debut novel Exactly 23 days. To honour all women on International Women's day. For women everywhere: When you know you are finally mended, spread the word, hold out your hand, share some love from your heart and some laughter from your soul and be there for a new member of the sisterhood who needs your help. Let's all help our sisters worldwide to stand tall and know, they can and they will recover, survive and thrive, to live the life they deserve. To all the sisters who reached out and held my hand in whatever way you could, who cried my tears with me, and laughter my laughter too, I thank every one of you. I survived.”

LoveFunnyPainWomenHealingGoneTearsFriendsHeartbreakLaughterBetrayalLove StoryStrong WomenSistersHandsomeHilariousHealedSisterhoodDepressedHystericalBroken HeartedDrainedDateOnline DatingI Am WomanHappy EndingScamBastardCatfishInternational Women S DayBestieRollercoaster Of EmotionsWreckEmotional WreckHold HandsUnputdownableSupport Each OtherMrsMy World Is Upside DownWomen Everywhere
Book:Exactly 23 Days
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“You see that girl, she looks so happy right? But inside she's dying. She's hurt and tired. Tired of all the drama, tired of not being good enough, tired of life. But she doesn't want to look dramatic, weak or attention seeking so she keeps it all inside. Act's like everything's perfect but she cries at night, boy does she cry at night, so that everybody thinks she is the happiest person they know, that she has no problems and her life is perfect. Little do they know.”

LoveFunnyWomenLoversHusbandHeartbreakBetrayalLove StoryHeartacheWriterHilariousTwistsScamsOnline DatingGirlfriendsBeach ReadHappy EndingDebut NovelBastardAmazing BookGreat ReadUnputdownableDating ScamsFantastic BookGreat Reads For Women Over 40Love That BookMust Have ReadPerfect Holiday Read
Book:Exactly 23 Days
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“It is usually unbearably painful to read a book by an author who knows way less than you do, unless the book is a novel.”

BookStoriesWisdomHumorFunnyPainSufferingQuotesLiteratureUnderstandingGriefEducationConsciousnessFictionKnowledgeNovelLearningToo MuchSadnessAwarenessIgnoranceHumourBooksSorrowDespairPerceptionHeartbreakJokesHumorousCapacityAccountsMiseryEntertainmentAppreciationIgnorantCommandEducatedRealizationNarrativeAccomplishmentHeartacheTortureAuthorWriterEnlightenedSatireStoryWritersUnhappinessCapabilityMasteryNonfictionAcceptableAphorismEntertainingAgonyDistressQuotationsJokeTormentEssaysHilariousEscapeUnbearableDiscomfortAuthorsUnderstandKnowExpertiseScholarshipComprehensionAphorismsSchoolingEscapismApprehensionCognitionKnowledgeableIlliterateDesolationEssaySkillUneducatedTolerableWretchednessManageableWell EducatedScholarlyAphoristAphoristsOverpoweringInsufferableUninformedEruditeUnendurableEruditionProficiencyLearnedNarrativesComprehendAccountEntertainGraspSustainableUnacceptableWell ReadInexperiencedCultivatedCulturedIntolerableWell InformedCognizanceUnschooledUnsophisticatedEndurableInsupportableUnworldlyMan Of LettersUnknowledgeableUnreadUntrainedVia DolorosaAdeptnessAdmissibleBe Acquainted WithBe Conversant WithBe Familiar WithBe Up To Speed OnBe Versed InBenightedBrookableExpertnessHave A Grasp OfHave Knowledge OfHave LearnedHave MasteredHave MemorizedKnowledgableMen Of LettersSufferableSupportableUnenlightenedUnlearnedUnletteredUnmanageableUntaughtUntutoredWoman Of LettersWomen Of Letters
Author:Mokokoma Mokhonoana
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“Some people’s self-esteem was secretly improved when they discovered that their then-lovers had killed themselves over them.”

MenHumorFunnyGirlWomenSecretBoysCourageWifeSelf EsteemHumourConfidenceLoversHusbandJokesHumorousSuicideSelf ConfidenceEsteemManWomanGirlfriendSatireGirlsAphorismLoverJokeSuicidalHilariousBoldnessBetterBoyfriendKillAphorismsConfidentBoyAssertivenessPoiseImproveAphoristAphoristsWivesSelf AssuranceHusbandsKilledGirlfriendsBoyfriendsMettleRomeo And JulietNerveImprovedSuicidesSelf MurderPhlegmAplombSelf PossessionBetteredIn Secret SecretlyKill Herself OverKill Himself OverKill Oneself OverKill Yourself OverKilled Herself OverKilled Himself OverKilling Yourself OverSelf Murders
Author:Mokokoma Mokhonoana
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“Most unintelligent or foolish people do not regard themselves as that; they regard themselves as not-that-intelligent or not-that-wise.”

HumorAbleFunnyQuotesSoundKnowingWiseStupidHumourSmartJokesHumorousIntelligentBrilliantFoolishSillyCleverIgnorantRationalDumbEnlightenedSatireLogicalInsightfulSensibleThickAphorismSaneSophisticatedIrrationalGiftedQuotationsJokeSageHilariousIntuitiveAphorismsPrudentKnowledgeableDenseMindlessIdioticDiscerningBrightAphoristAphoristsSlowUnintelligentTalentedAstuteLearnedVapidVacuousBrainlessDiscriminatingThoughtlessShrewdBrainyDimQuick WittedPerceptiveSharp WittedSagaciousCannyJudiciousObtusePerspicaciousDull WittedWitlessHalfwittedQuick On The UptakeBubbleheadedDopeyDozyFeeblemindedKnuckleheadedLunkheadedSapientSimpleminded
Author:Mokokoma Mokhonoana
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“Some people ate less food less often when they each had a home than they now do as hobos.”

HumorFunnyPoorPovertyFoodHumourJokesHumorousHungerHungrySatireAphorismThirstHomelessJokeHilariousStarvingHomelessnessStarvationAphorismsOrphanTransientThirstyEatAphoristAphoristsTrampsOrphansMealVagabondsVagrantsStarveHobosDerelictVagabondDriftersHoboBumBumsTrampPoverty LineVagrantItinerantStreet KidsDerelictsDown And Out DrifterHoboesItinerantsStreet KidTransients
Author:Mokokoma Mokhonoana
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“You are more likely to find three TVs inside a randomly selected house than you are to find a single book that is or was not read to pass an exam, to please God, or to be a better cook.”

BookGodHomeHumorSchoolFunnyReligionQuotesReadingLiteratureHouseEducationKnowledgeStudyAtheismTelevisionCollegeHumourBooksReaderPleaseJokesHumorousBibleLibraryUniversityAtheistScriptureEmploymentSatireAphorismQuotationsJokeEssaysHilariousFailAphorismsSchoolingScripturesBookstoresLibrariesReadersEssayTvAbodeBookwormBookshopsVerseAphoristAphoristsStudyingAtheistsHousesPassHomesBookwormsCookBookstoreUniversitiesBookshopMarksEmployCollegesAbodesCook BookTellyCook BooksIdiot BoxPass Mark
Author:Mokokoma Mokhonoana
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“Some women have kissed—and some are kissing—a lot of frogs, even though the very first man that they have each kissed was and is still a prince.”

HumorFunnyRomanceQuotesWomenRelationshipsFictionMarriageFantasyRelationshipHumourKingsKissingJokesHumorousRomanticDatingDivorceKissWomanQueensBreakupSatirePrincessFairy TaleAphorismQuotationsJokeHilariousFairy TalesFrogsAphorismsKingFablesBreakupsQueenPrinceDateAphoristAphoristsMarriagesFantasiesFableFrogPrincessesDivorcesPrincesKisserKiss A FrogKiss A Lot Of FrogsKissers
Author:Mokokoma Mokhonoana
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“Most priests wish they were as righteous as they seem to most members of their congregations.”

HumorFunnyQuotesEvilWishChurchMoralAtheismHonestHumourPureJokesHumorousBibleAtheistNobleGoodBelieverImpressionMinistersDecentWickedSatirePriestsEthicalAphorismRighteousVirtuousPreacherImpressQuotationsHonorablePastorJokeBadImmoralHilariousPersonaFoulPaganAphorismsCorruptCrookedCongregationImageObsceneBelieversAngelicShamelessCriminalShadyClergymenDepravedWantonSynagogueAphoristAphoristsPriestPrincipledPromiscuousUnethicalAtheistsChurchesPastorsReverendsBlamelessDishonorableSinfulVicarsChaplainsDishonestPadresPadrePreachersMinisterSleazyLooseGodlessBaseNonbelieverNonbelieversVileUnscrupulousPervertedReverendUprightCurateImpureSynagoguesImamDegenerateClergymanLaw AbidingPerverseChaplainLewdVicarCongregationsClericDebauchedDisreputableParsonsClericsDebasedHigh MindedLicentiousMorally WrongNefariousSaintlyUnconscionableUnprincipledVillainousWrongfulChurchmanChurchmenCuratesDissoluteEcclesiasticEcclesiasticsImamsIniquitousIrreproachableLowdownMan Of The ClothMen Of The ClothMiscreantParsonRectorRectorsReprobateUnchasteUnvirtuousUpstanding
Author:Mokokoma Mokhonoana
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“Whenever He answers prayers, God usually prioritizes those by people who, instead of their mouths, have prayed with their hands and/or feet.”

GodHumorHandsActionFunnyReligionQuotesWishChurchPrayerFateFeetAtheismHumourArmsPrayingWorshipJokesHumorousAtheistLegsBelieverKarmaSatirePrayAphorismQuotationsJokeGodsHilariousActPaganAphorismsPrayersWishful ThinkingDoersCongregationDoBelieversPrioritizeHandPrioritySynagogueReligionsAphoristAphoristsWorshippersAtheistsChurchesDaydreamDoerArmFootNonbelieverNonbelieversPraying WomanLegPrayedSynagoguesCongregationsDaydreamerWorshipersWorshipperPraying WomenWorshiperDaydreamersChurchgoerChurchgoersPraying ManPraying Men
Author:Mokokoma Mokhonoana
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“Most people do not mind having a house that is smaller and/or a car that is cheaper than their neighbours’, as long as they each earn and have more money than their neighbours, and, equally important, their neighbours know that.”

HomeHumorFunnyQuotesSpiritualityHouseMoneyClassRichCarHumourJokesHumorousCompetitionNeighborExpensiveNeighborhoodSatireMaterialismAphorismConsumerismQuotationsWagesJokeHilariousSalaryNeighbourAutomobileAphorismsMansionsResidentsCarsSocial ClassAbodeResidenceInexpensiveAphoristAphoristsNeighborsHousesShow OffCheapHomesEarnCompeteClassesNeighboursSocial ClassesAutomobilesRicherEarningsMansionNeighbourhoodSalariesMoniedResidentAbodes
Author:Mokokoma Mokhonoana
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“She winced and covered her ears as Eric,onstage, wrestled with his microphone. "Sorry about that, guys!" he yelled. "All right. I'm Eric, and this is my homeboy Matt on the drums. My first poem is called 'Untitled.'" He screwed up his face as if in pain, and wailed into the mike. "Come my faux juggernaut, my nefarious loins! Slather every protuberance with arid zeal!" Simon slid down in his seat. "Please don't tell anyone I know him." Clary giggled. "Who uses the word 'loins'?" "Eric," Simon said grimly. "All his poems have loins in them." 'Turgid is my torment!" Eric wailed. "Agony swells within!" "You bet it does," Clary said.”

PoemsHilariousClary FrayEricSimon LewisPoetry Critic
Book:City of Bones
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“Most women sell sex; most of them just don’t take cash (nor do they each sell to more than one ‘client’ at a time).”

HumorFunnyQuotesSexRelationshipsMoneyMarriageWifeRelationshipHumourHusbandJokesHumorousDatingTradeCreditDebtCustomersSellingGirlfriendSatireMaterialismCashAphorismCommerceClientsConsumerismMaking LoveQuotationsJokeTradingHilariousProstitutionBoyfriendAphorismsCredit CardReproductionSellersDateProcreationLovemakingAphoristAphoristsMarriagesWivesCustomerHusbandsSellGirlfriendsBoyfriendsSexual IntercourseProstituteProstitutesWhoreHustlerClientWorking GirlWhoresEscortReproduceClienteleSellerHookerProcreateCopulationHustlersEscortsHookersLadies Of The EveningLady Of The EveningSex ActWorking Girls
Author:Mokokoma Mokhonoana
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“There would definitely be way fewer instances of cheating, if the average couple did not have sex only when the woman feels like it.”

ChildrenHumorKidsFunnyQuotesSexParentWomenRelationshipsFamilyMarriageWifeRelationshipHumourCoupleHusbandJokesHumorousDatingExcitedMoodParentsWomanFaithfulExcitementGirlfriendSatireCheatingParenthoodChildAphorismLoyalBedroomCheatQuotationsJokeHilariousCouplesAdulteryBoyfriendAphorismsOffspringReproductionFamiliesHornyUnfaithfulDateProcreationAphoristLingerieAphoristsKidCheaterDisloyaltyMarriagesWivesHusbandsDisloyalGirlfriendsCheatersBoyfriendsLibidoForeplaySexual IntercourseSex DriveHorninessReproduceExtramaritalProcreateSexual ExcitementExtramarital SexIn The Mood
Author:Mokokoma Mokhonoana
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“Because he has finally realized that it is it and not him that is loved by the woman he loves, many a man is jealous of his own car, house, wardrobe, or salary.”

LoveHumorFunnyQuotesHouseWomenRelationshipsMoneyWifeRelationshipCarHumourHusbandClothesJokesHumorousDatingDivorceEnvyPartnersWomanJealousyGirlfriendSatireMaterialismUnconditional LoveJealousAphorismConsumerismQuotationsWagesJokeSpouseHilariousSalaryAutomobileBoyfriendWardrobeAphorismsEnviousPartnerLovedCarsDateClothingAphoristAphoristsSpousesWivesHousesAttireHusbandsGirlfriendsBoyfriendsAutomobilesDivorcesGold DiggerGold DiggersSalariesWardrobes
Author:Mokokoma Mokhonoana
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