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Jerry Seinfeld

Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

Comedian

Jerry Seinfeld, born on April 29, 1954, is a renowned American comedian, screenwriter, and producer. Known for his unique humor style and witty dialogue, he is best known for his sitcom 'Seinfeld'. Seinfeld's deep insights into everyday life and unique perspectives on human relationships have won him the affection of audiences worldwide.

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Famous Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

“I don't understand women at all. Like how a women can pour boiling hot wax onto their upper thigh, then rip the hair out by the root... and still be afraid of a spider.”

Author:Jerry Seinfeld

“I do the exact same thing now as I did when I was 21 in 1975. I sit and play with ideas. I'm never not working on material. Every second of my existence I'm thinking "Could I do something with that". It's like going into the gym everyday. You walk in everyday and say "Oh jeeez... I gotta do this again?!". Your blessing in life is when you find the torture you're comfortable with. That's marriage, kids, work, exercise... It is not eating the food you wanna eat... Find the torture you 're comfortable with and you'll do well.”

Work Torture Grit

Author:Jerry Seinfeld

“Friends, family, school, they were just obstacles in the way of getting more books.”

Reading Books True Lol Jerry Seinfeld

Author:Jerry Seinfeld

“we are all trying to get to the same island, whether you swim, fly, surf or skydiving. What matters is when the red light comes on.”

Life Inspirational Seinfeld Comedians In Cars Getting Coffee Michael Richards

Author:Jerry Seinfeld

“According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway because bees don't care what humans think is impossible. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Ooh, black and yellow! Let's shake it up a little. Barry! Breakfast is ready! Coming! Hang on a second. Hello? - Barry? - Adam? - Can you believe this is happening? - I can't. I'll pick you up. Looking sharp. Use the stairs. Your father paid good money for those. Sorry. I'm excited. Here's the graduate. We're very proud of you, son. A perfect report card, all B's. Very proud. Ma! I got a thing going here. - You got lint on your fuzz. - Ow! That's me! - Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000. - Bye! Barry, I told you, stop flying in the house! - Hey, Adam. - Hey, Barry. - Is that fuzz gel? - A little. Special day, graduation. Never thought I'd make it. Three days grade school, three days high school. Those were awkward. Three days college. I'm glad I took a day and hitchhiked around the hive. You did come back different. - Hi, Barry. - Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good. - Hear about Frankie? - Yeah. - You going to the funeral? - No, I'm not going. Everybody knows, sting someone, you die. Don't waste it on a squirrel. Such a hothead. I guess he could have just gotten out of the way. I love this incorporating an amusement park into our day. That's why we don't need vacations. Boy, quite a bit of pomp... under the circumstances. - Well, Adam, today we are men. - We are! - Bee-men. - Amen! Hallelujah! Students, faculty, distinguished bees, please welcome Dean Buzzwell. Welcome, New Hive City graduating class of... ...9:15. That concludes our ceremonies. And begins your career at Honex Industries! Will we pick our job today? I heard it's just orientation. Heads up! Here we go. Keep your hands and antennas inside the tram at all times. - Wonder what it'll be like? - A little scary. Welcome to Honex, a division of Honesco and a part of the Hexagon Group. This is it! Wow. Wow. We know that you, as a bee, have worked your whole life to get to the point where you can work for your whole life. Honey begins when our valiant Pollen Jocks bring the nectar to the hive. Our top-secret formula is automatically color-corrected, scent-adjusted and bubble-contoured into this soothing sweet syrup with its distinctive golden glow you know as... Honey! - That girl was hot. - She's my cousin! - She is? - Yes, we're all cousins. - Right. You're right. - At Honex, we constantly strive to improve every aspect of bee existence. These bees are stress-testing a new helmet technology. - What do you think he makes? - Not enough. Here we have our latest advancement, the Krelman. - What does that do? - Catches that little strand of honey that hangs after you pour it. Saves us millions. Can anyone work on the Krelman? Of course. Most bee jobs are small ones. But bees know that every small job, if it's done well, means a lot. But choose carefully because you'll stay in the job you pick for the rest of your life. The same job the rest of your life? I didn't know that. What's the difference? You'll be happy to know that bees, as a species, haven't had one day off in 27 million years. So you'll just work us to death? We'll sure try. Wow! That blew my mind! "What's the difference?" How can you say that? One job forever? That's an insane choice to have to make. I'm relieved. Now we only have to make one decision in life. But, Adam, how could they never have told us that? Why would you question anything? We're bees. We're the most perfectly functioning society on Earth. You ever think maybe things work a little too well here? Like what? Give me one example. I don't know. But you know what I'm talking about. Please clear the gate. Royal Nectar Force on approach. Wait a second. Check it out. - Hey, those are Pollen Jocks! - Wow. I've never seen them this close. They know”

Humor Copypasta Bee Movie

Author:Jerry Seinfeld

“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”

Author:Jerry Seinfeld

“We know the product is going to stink. We know that because we live in the world, and we know that everything stinks. We all believe, Hey, maybe this one wont stink. We are a hopeful species. Stupid but hopeful. But were happy in that moment between the commercial and the purchase. And I think spending your life trying to dupe innocent people out of hard-won earnings to buy useless, low-quality, misrepresented items and services is an excellent use of your energy.”

People Thinking Knows World Trying Believe Hard Moments Use Energy Quality Stupid Products Lows Species Spending Innocent Hey Useless Excellent Hopeful That Moment Earning Items Stink Dupes

Author:Jerry Seinfeld

“I see TV ads about detergents that can get blood stains out of your cloths. I say if you have blood stains on your cloths you should be thinking about something other than laundry.”

Ifs Thinking Should Blood Tvs Clothes Ads Stains Laundry

Author:Jerry Seinfeld

“There's no way that moving in with your parents is a sign that your life is on track.”

Way Moving Life Is Parent Family Track Moving In

Author:Jerry Seinfeld

“Everything is in how you are going to handle it. As a lifelong nightclub comic, I'm ready to handle whatever I have to handle.”

Ready Handle Comic Lifelong Nightclubs

Author:Jerry Seinfeld

“Celebrity is no different from any other energy. It's a force for good or evil. It's no different from money. It's power.”

Different Evil Energy Force

Author:Jerry Seinfeld

“Dogs want to be people. That's what their lives are about. They don't like being a dog. They're with people all the time, they want to graduate. My dog would sit there all day, he would watch me walk by, he would think to himself, "I could do that! He's not that good.”

People Thinking Want Walks Watches Dog Graduates My Dog Watch Me

Author:Jerry Seinfeld

“I hate the waiting room. Because it's called the waiting room, there's no chance of not waiting. It's built, designed, and intended for waiting. Why would they take you right away when they've got this room all set up?”

Hate Waiting Chance Rooms Built I Hate Waiting Rooms

Author:Jerry Seinfeld

“Everybody lies about sex. People lie during sex. If it weren't for lies, there'd be no sex.”

People Ifs Lying Sex People Lie Everybody Lies

Author:Jerry Seinfeld

“Economy is essential to all good art.”

Art Economy Essentials Good Art

Author:Jerry Seinfeld

“The hardest thing in comedy is to have the biggest laugh at the end, and it’s the most satisfying thing.”

Author:Jerry Seinfeld

“If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.”

Ifs Kind Humor Funny Be Kind Vague Decency

Author:Jerry Seinfeld

“Sometimes they'll make little Play-Doh animals, and when they go to sleep, I'll break the heads off the animals and put them at the foot of their beds for them to discover in the morning. Nothing wrong with sending your kids a little Sicilian message.”

Littles Sometimes Play Kids Sleep Animal Break Morning Feet Bed Messages Going To Sleep Sicilian

Author:Jerry Seinfeld

“A movie is kind of like being the captain of a ship, which is nice, but when I perform by myself it's just surfing on the water and nobody really knows what happens.”

Knows Kind Happens Water Nice Ships Captains Surfing

Author:Jerry Seinfeld

“Sometimes you can do certain things on stage, or even in a TV series, and people see the look on your face and they know what you mean, so you can get away with certain things. But if you can't create that look on an animated character, which is essentially a puppet, the line will hit the audience in a very bad way.”

People Ifs Knows Way Looks Mean Sometimes Character Faces Certain Can Do Lines Audience Stage Tvs Series Get Away Your Face Animated Puppets Tv Series

Author:Jerry Seinfeld

“I like to try anything... You have to do the experiments to find out what the formulas are.”

Trying Experiments Formulas

Author:Jerry Seinfeld

“The best piece of advice I received before I got married was, "Be careful what you say when you're in a fight, because it could stick in someone's head." I don't think I've ever said anything I really regretted. I'm very sympathetic to women. I've really studied wife-ology, and I know you've got to figure out the feelings. Deal with the feelings.”

Thinking Knows Said Feelings Fighting Deals Pieces Wife Advice Figures Married Sticks Careful Be Careful Sympathetic Careful What You Say

Author:Jerry Seinfeld

“People should get married because they have finally seen the folly of being single: "Oh, this is all just kind of a bad magic trick. I just keep bending over to reach for this wallet on a string. How much longer am I gonna do that?"”

People Should Kind Magic Married Tricks Folly Strings Being Single Wallets Bending Magic Tricks Bending Over

Author:Jerry Seinfeld

“I feel like humor is the answer to everything. If you have a little bit of humor in the shaker and you can sprinkle that on, that's your answer.”

Ifs Feels Littles Bits Answers Little Bit Sprinkles Shakers

Author:Jerry Seinfeld

“There's a tremendous power and energy in sharing your life with another person.”

Author:Jerry Seinfeld

“You can tell what was the best year of your father's life, because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.”

Years Seems Father Style Clothings Fatherhood Freeze Father Son Your Dad Best Year Funny Fathers Day Funny Father Clothing Style Best Dad Funny Dad

Author:Jerry Seinfeld

“I'm old, I'm rich and I'm tired.”

Rich Tired I'm Tired

Author:Jerry Seinfeld

“I can't eat chicken and look at strippers at the same time.”

Looks I Can Chickens

Author:Jerry Seinfeld

“Comedy is just complaining in an entertaining way, Enterplaining.”

Way Comedy Complaining Entertaining

Author:Jerry Seinfeld

“With any kind of physical test, I don't know what it is, I always seem to get competitive. Remember when you were in school and they'd do those hearing tests? And you'd really be listening hard, you know? I wanted to do unbelievable on the hearing test. I wanted them to come over to me after and go, 'We think you may have something close to super-hearing. What you heard was a cotton ball touching a piece of felt. We're sending the results to Washington, we'd like you to meet the President.'”

Thinking Knows Kind May Hard Seems Wanted School Remember Felt President Results Pieces Heard Like You Listening Tests Balls Hearing Touching Unbelievable Remember When Cotton

Author:Jerry Seinfeld

“A really hard laugh is like sex-one of the ultimate diversions of existence.”

Hard Sex Existence Laughing Ultimate Diversion

Author:Jerry Seinfeld

“If professional wrestling did not exist, could you come up with this idea? Could you envision the popularity of huge men in tiny bathing suits, pretending to fight?”

Ifs Men Ideas Fighting Huge Come Up Tiny Suits Pretending Wrestling Popularity Bathing Bathing Suits Professional Wrestling

Author:Jerry Seinfeld

“Why does McDonald's have to count every burger that they sell? What is their ultimate goal? Do they want cows to surrender voluntarily?”

Want Doe Goal Ultimate Sells Surrender Cows Mcdonalds Ultimate Goal Burgers

Author:Jerry Seinfeld

“Your blessing in life is when you find the torture you're comfortable with.”

Life Is Blessing Comfortable Torture Blessings In Life

Author:Jerry Seinfeld

“Why would you want to work for a living if you could just joke around? Being a celebrity expands your commercial possibilities.”

Ifs Want Possibility Fame Jokes

Author:Jerry Seinfeld

“The whole object of comedy is to be yourself and the closer you get to that, the funnier you will be.”

Whole Comedy Objects Being Yourself

Author:Jerry Seinfeld

“Fear of success is one of the new fears I've heard about lately. And I think its definitely a sign that we're running out of fears. A person suffering from fear of success is scraping the bottom of the fear barrel.”

Thinking Persons Running Suffering Heard Bottom Barrels Fear Of Success Scraping

Author:Jerry Seinfeld

“I am freaking out! I am freaking out, man!”

Author:Jerry Seinfeld

“I am speechless: I have no speech”

Speech Speechless

Author:Jerry Seinfeld

“The less you know about a field, the better your odds. Dumb boldness is the best way to approach a new challenge.”

Knows Way Challenges Fields Approach Best Way Dumb Odds Boldness New Challenges

Author:Jerry Seinfeld

“I had a dream last night that a hamburger was eating me.”

Dream Lasts Night Eating Last Night I Had A Dream Hamburgers

Author:Jerry Seinfeld

“Then, finally, the third year, begging the parents, I got the Superman Halloween costume. Cardboard box, self-made top, mask included. Remember the rubber band on the back of that mask? That was a quality item there, wasn't it? That was good for about 10 seconds before it snapped out of that cheap little staple they put it in there with.”

Years Littles Made Self Remember Parent Quality Band Thirds Boxes Mask Seconds Halloween Costumes Items Begging Rubber Self Made Staples Rubber Bands Cardboard Boxes Halloween Costume

Author:Jerry Seinfeld

“There's nothing more fun than entertaining kids.”

Kids Fun Entertaining

Author:Jerry Seinfeld

“This is one of my big things of creative pursuits. You have your idea you want to do, but then you got to figure out what does this thing want to be? You got to let it lead you a little.”

Want Littles Doe Ideas Bigs Creative Figures Pursuit Be You Big Things

Author:Jerry Seinfeld

“They seal the subway change-booth guy up inside this thing with bullet-proof glass, closed in on all sides, it's like some kind of Houdini torture tank of doom. How do you breathe in there? It looks like if you put your hand over the change slot, you could suffocate him in thirty seconds.”

Ifs Looks Kind Hands Funny Guy Sides Comedy Glasses Breathe Proof Thirty Torture Seconds Bullets Doom Tanks Seals Subway Houdini

Author:Jerry Seinfeld

“Why does that pharmacist have to be two and a half feet higher than everybody else? Who the hell is this guy? "Clear out, everybody. I'm working with pills up here. I'm taking them from this big bottle and then I'm gonna put them in the little bottle. That's my whole job. I can't be down on the floor with you people."”

People Littles Doe I Can Two Whole Bigs Funny Jobs Guy Half Hell Clear Comedy Feet Higher Bottles This Guy Pills Pharmacist

Author:Jerry Seinfeld

“I'll tell you what I like about Chinese people: they're hanging in there with the chop sticks, aren't they? You know they've seen the fork. They're staying with the sticks.”

People Knows Funny Comedy Sticks Chinese Staying Forks Hey You

Author:Jerry Seinfeld

“Some of the events in the Olympics don't make sense to me. I don't understand the connection to any reality... Like in the Winter Olympics they have that biathlon that combines cross-country skiing with shooting a gun. How many alpine snipers are into this? Ski, shoot a gun... ski, bang, bang, bang... It's like combining swimming and strangling a guy. Why don't we have that? That makes absolutely as much sense to me. Just put people in the pool at the end of each lane for the swimmers.”

“The toughest nights when I was a young, unknown comedian were opening for these real old-time Italian singers. I'm like Grace Jones to them. "This guy is nuts-talking about socks. Where's the wife jokes, where's the fat jokes?"”

Real Funny Young Night Guy Talking Comedy Grace Wife Jokes Singers Fats Opening Comedian Italian Nuts This Guy Sock Old Time

Author:Jerry Seinfeld

“Artists are always looking for new things and fresh ground and fresh air. If it feels new to me, there's a chance it'll feel new to the audience and we'll have found something.”

Ifs Feels Artist Found Chance Audience Air New Things Fresh Air

Author:Jerry Seinfeld

About the Author

Born: April 29, 1954
Known for: Comedian
Quotes: 294

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