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George Carlin

George Carlin Quotes

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Famous George Carlin Quotes

“What are we going to tell the Intergalactic Council of Ministers the first time one of our teenage mothers threw her newborn baby into a dumpster, huh? How're we gonna explain that to the space people? How are we gonna let them know that our ambassador was only late for the meeting because his breakfast was cold and he had to spend half an hour punching his wife around the kitchen? What are they gonna think when they find out that it's just a local custom that over 80 million women in the Third World have had their clitorises forcibly removed in order to reduce their sexual pleasures so they won't cheat on their husbands? Can't you just sense how eager the rest of the universe is for us to show up? Can't you see them out there?”

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Author:George Carlin
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“Here's an interesting form of murder we came up with: assassination. You know what's interesting about assassination? Well, not only does it change those popularity polls in a big fucking hurry, but it's also interesting to notice who it is we assassinate. Did you ever notice who it is? Stop to think who it is we kill? It's always people who've told us to live together in harmony and try to love one another. Jesus, Gandhi, Lincoln, John Kennedy, Bobby Kennedy, Martin Luther King, Medgar Evers, Malcolm X, John Lennon, they all said, "Try to live together peacefully." BAM! Right in the fucking head. Apparently we're not ready for that.”

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Author:George Carlin
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“Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time! But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle money!”

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Author:George Carlin
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“Nothing worse... nothing worse that to be stuck somewhere with some married a-hole and have to listen to him tell you about his f***in' kids... Let me tell ya something, folks... nobody cares about your children, okay?" Nobody cares about your children. I speak for everyone. I've been appointed by the rest of the group to inform you we don't care about your children – that's why they're your children, so you can care about them and we don't have to bother.”

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Author:George Carlin
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“There's no harm in reviewing the past from time to time; knowing where you've been is part of knowing where you are, and all that happy horse shit. But the American media have an absolute fixation on this. They rob us of the present by insisting on the past. If they were able, I'm sure they would pay equal attention to the future. Trouble is, they don't have any film on it.”

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Book:Brain Droppings
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“America has no now. We're reluctant to acknowledge the present. It's too embarrassing. Instead, we reach into the past. Our culture is composed of sequels, reruns, remakes, revivals, reissues, re-releases, recreations, reenactments, adaptations, anniversaries, memorabilia, oldies radio, and nostalgia record collections. World War II has been refought so many times, the Germans and Japanese are now drawing residuals.”

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Book:Brain Droppings
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“I don’t really identify with America. I don’t really feel like an American or part of the American experience, and I don’t really feel like a member of the human race, to tell you the truth. I know I am, but I really don’t. All the definitions are there, but I don’t really feel a part of it. I think I have found a detached point of view, an ideal emotional detachment from the American experience and culture…”

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Author:George Carlin
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“We’re so self-important. Everybody’s going to save something now. “Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save those snails.” And the greatest arrogance of all: save the planet. Save the planet, we don’t even know how to take care of ourselves yet. I’m tired of this shit. I’m tired of f-ing Earth Day. I’m tired of these self-righteous environmentalists, these white, bourgeois liberals who think the only thing wrong with this country is that there aren’t enough bicycle paths. People trying to make the world safe for Volvos. Besides, environmentalists don’t give a shit about the planet. Not in the abstract they don’t. You know what they’re interested in? A clean place to live. Their own habitat. They’re worried that some day in the future they might be personally inconvenienced. Narrow, unenlightened self-interest doesn’t impress me. The planet has been through a lot worse than us. Been through earthquakes, volcanoes, plate tectonics, continental drift, solar flares, sun spots, magnetic storms, the magnetic reversal of the poles … hundreds of thousands of years of bombardment by comets and asteroids and meteors, worldwide floods, tidal waves, worldwide fires, erosion, cosmic rays, recurring ice ages … And we think some plastic bags and some aluminum cans are going to make a difference? The planet isn’t going anywhere. WE are! We’re going away. Pack your shit, folks. We’re going away. And we won’t leave much of a trace, either. Maybe a little Styrofoam … The planet’ll be here and we’ll be long gone. Just another failed mutation. Just another closed-end biological mistake. An evolutionary cul-de-sac. The planet’ll shake us off like a bad case of fleas. The planet will be here for a long, long, LONG time after we’re gone, and it will heal itself, it will cleanse itself, ’cause that’s what it does. It’s a self-correcting system. The air and the water will recover, the earth will be renewed. And if it’s true that plastic is not degradable, well, the planet will simply incorporate plastic into a new paradigm: the earth plus plastic. The earth doesn’t share our prejudice toward plastic. Plastic came out of the earth. The earth probably sees plastic as just another one of its children. Could be the only reason the earth allowed us to be spawned from it in the first place. It wanted plastic for itself. Didn’t know how to make it. Needed us. Could be the answer to our age-old egocentric philosophical question, “Why are we here?” Plastic… asshole.”

ComedyPerspectiveGlobal WarmingPlasticExtinctionPale Blue Dot
Author:George Carlin
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“مونږ ځانونه څومره غټ ګڼو. اوس خو هر یو کس څه نا څه بچ کوي. ' بوټي بچ کړئ، مچۍ بچ کړئ، ویل سمندري مایان بچ کړئ، سنیل چینجي بچ کړئ.' او تر ټولو زیات غرور خو يې په دې کې دې: زمکه بچ کړئ. مونږ ته خو دا هم نه دي معلوم چې د ځانونو خیال څنګه وساتو. د دا قسمه غ**و خو زه سم تنګ راغلې یم. زه د زمکې غ***ې ورځ Earth Day نه سم تنګ راغلې یم. زه دغه د چاپیریال ساتونکو نه ډیر تنګ راغلې چې ځان ورله ډیر نیک ښکاري، دغه سور پوستکي، منځ پوړي ازاد فکران چې سوچ کوي د دې هیواد یواځینۍ ستونزه دا ده چې دلته د سائیکلو لارې ډیرې نشته. دا خلک د خپلو Volvo موټرونو د پاره نړۍ خوندي ساتل غواړي. هسې هم دغه چاپیرل ساتنې غوښتونکې د زمکې سره هیڅ مینه نه لري. په فکر کې نا، نه يې لري. تاسو ته معلوم دې چې څه سره شوق لري؟ د اوسیدو د پاره یو پاک ځای. خپل استوګن ځای يې. دوئ ناکلاره دي چې په ائنده کې به یوه ورځ دوئ ته تکلیف ورسي. تنګ، په- فکر- تورو مفاداتو سره زه هیڅ شوق نه لرم. زمکې خو د دې نه زیات تکلیفونه تیر کړي. زلزلې، اوراباسونکي غرونه، د زمکې لاندې پتریو خوځیدنه، د براعظمونو بهیدنه، په لمر کې دننه د اور لمبې تیزیدنه، د لمر دننه ځینې ځایونو کې د اور مړیدینه، مقناطیسي توپانونه، د زمکې قطب او شمال برقي وضعې په بل مخ اوړیدنه .........لکونو زرګونو کلونو راهیسې په اسمان کې لمبوزنو شهاب ثاقب، لویو ډبرو او کاڼو په زمکه بمبارۍ، نړیوال سیلابونو، د سپوږمۍ د وجې جوړ شوي غټ سمندري موجونه، نړۍ کې ښور اورونه، د زمکې وروستیدنه او رالویدنه، اسماني شغلې، بیا بیا راتلونکې د واورې دورونه، ..... او مونږ سوچ کوو چې یو څو پلاستک بوجۍ او یو څو د الومینیم ډبي به ډیر فرق راولي؟ زمکه چیرې هم ځي. مونږ ترې روان یو مونږ! مونږ روان یو. یا خلکو! خپل غ* غوشایه مو تړئ. مونږ روان یو. او زمونږ به داسې خاص څه نخښې هم پاتې نشي. کیدې شي لږ د سټائروفوم پلاسټک نخښه به پا تې شي. زمکه به هم دلته وي او مونږ به ترې پخوا تلي یو. د تغیر خوړونکې یو بل ناکامه تجرباتي مخلوق په شان. یو بل حیاتیاتي غلطۍ په شان چې هیڅ ائنده نه لري. یوې بندې ارتقايي کوڅې په شان. دا زمکه به مونږ له خپل بدن نه داسې وڅنډوي لکه کوټک چې پریوځي. مونږ به ترې لاړ یو او دا زمکه به ډیر لوی، لوی او لوی وخت د پاره موجوده وي، او خپل بدن به پخپله روغ کړي، خپل ځان به سپا کړي، ځکه چې زمکه هم دغه شان کوي. زمکه داسې نظام لري چې ځان پخپله رغوي. دا هوا او دا اوبه به بیا روغې شي، زمکه به نوې شي. او که دا رښتیا وي چې پلاسټک په زمکه کې نه ماتیږې، نه وروستیږي او نه ختمیږي، نو په دې کې څه، زمکه به په اسانې سره دا د خپل نوي نظام برخه کړي: زمکه + پلاسټک. زمکه زمونږ په شان پلاسټک سره څه تعصب نه لري. پلاسټک خو د زمکې نه راغلې دې. کیدې شي زمکه پلاسټک ته هم هغسې ګوري لکه چې خپلو نورو بچو ته ګوري. کیدې شې زمکې زمونږ د پیدا کیدو اجازه هم ځکه ورکړې وه چې پلاسټک يې پکار و. خو د جوړولو چل نه ورتلو. نو مونږ ته يې حاجت شو. کیدې شي دا ځواب وي زمونږ د هغه ځان – غټ – ګڼونکي، ځان - خوښونکي فلسفیانه سوال چې دا دې: مونږ دلته ولې راغلي یو؟ ځواب يې پلاسټک دې ...... ک*****و!”

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Author:George Carlin
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“I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same fifty percent rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don't...Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe...same as the voodoo lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat's testicles. It's all the same...so just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself...”

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“Swearing on the Bible, you understand that shit? They tell you to raise your right hand and put your left hand on the Bible. Does this stuff really matter, which hand? Does God really give a fuck about details like this? Suppose you put your right hand on the Bible and you raise your left hand. Would that count? Or would God say, 'Sorry, wrong hand, try again'? And why does one hand have to be raised? [...] But let's get back to the Bible, America's favorite national theatrical prop. Suppose the Bible they hand you to swear on is upside down, or backward, or both, and you swear to tell the truth on an upside-down backward Bible. Would that count? Suppose the Bible they hand you is an old Bible and half the pages are missing. Suppose all they have is a Chinese Bible. In an American court. Or a Braille Bible, and you're not blind. Suppose they hand you an upside-down, backward, Chinese, Braille Bible with half the pages missing. At what point does all of this stuff just break down and become just a lot of stupid shit that somebody made up? They fuckin' made it up, folks, it's make-believe! It's make-believe [...] Bible or no Bible, God or no God, if it suits their purposes, people are going to lie in court.”

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Author:George Carlin
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“The real owners are the big wealthy business interests that control things and make all the important decisions. Forget the politicians, they're an irrelevancy. The politicians are put there to give you the idea that you have freedom of choice. You don't. You have no choice. You have owners. They own you. They own everything. They own all the important land. They own and control the corporations. They've long since bought and paid for the Senate, the Congress, the statehouses, the city halls. They've got the judges in their back pockets. And they own all the big media companies, so that they control just about all of the news and information you hear. They've got you by the balls. They spend billions of dollars every year lobbying, ­lobbying to get what they want. Well, we know what they want; they want more for themselves and less for everybody else.”

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Author:George Carlin
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“They don’t want people who are smart enough to sit around a kitchen table to figure out how badly they’re getting fucked by a system that threw them overboard 30 fucking years ago. They don’t want that. You know what they want? They want obedient workers. Obedient workers. People who are just smart enough to run the machines and do the paperwork, and just dumb enough to passively accept all these increasingly shittier jobs with the lower pay, the longer hours, the reduced benefits, the end of overtime and the vanishing pension that disappears the minute you go to collect it, and now they’re coming for your Social Security money.”

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Author:George Carlin
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“If you guys want to get a MOM tattoo and save a little money, just get two letters done. Get about a one-inch capital M tattooed on each cheek of your ass in pink and brown ink. Then when you bend over, it says "Mom." Also, later on if you're havin' sex with your girlfriend, and her parents are in the next room, when you finish up you can just lie on your back, draw your legs up to your chest and silently say, 'Wow!”

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Book:Brain Droppings
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“People say, 'I'm going to sleep now,' as if it were nothing. But it's really a bizarre activity. 'For the next several hours, while the sun is gone, I'm going to become unconscious, temporarily losing command over everything I know and understand. When the sun returns, I will resume my life.' If you didn't know what sleep was, and you had only seen it in a science fiction movie, you would think it was weird and tell all your friends about the movie you'd seen. They had these people, you know? And they would walk around all day and be OK? And then, once a day, usually after dark, they would lie down on these special platforms and become unconscious. They would stop functioning almost completely, except deep in their minds they would have adventures and experiences that were completely impossible in real life. As they lay there, completely vulnerable to their enemies, their only movements were to occasionally shift from one position to another; or, if one of the 'mind adventures' got too real, they would sit up and scream and be glad they weren't unconscious anymore. Then they would drink a lot of coffee.' So, next time you see someone sleeping, make believe you're in a science fiction movie. And whisper, 'The creature is regenerating itself.”

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Book:Brain Droppings
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“Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. Results like these do not belong on the résumé of a Supreme Being. This is the kind of shit you'd expect from an office temp with a bad attitude. And just between you and me, in any decently-run universe, this guy would've been out on his all-powerful ass a long time ago. And by the way, I say "this guy", because I firmly believe, looking at these results, that if there is a God, it has to be a man. No woman could or would ever fuck things up like this. So, if there is a God, I think most reasonable people might agree that he's at least incompetent, and maybe, just maybe, doesn't give a shit. Doesn't give a shit, which I admire in a person, and which would explain a lot of these bad results.”

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Author:George Carlin
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