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Famous George Carlin Quotes
“Irony deals with opposites; it has nothing to do with coincidence.”
“If you want to get rid of counterfeit money, put it in the collection plate at church.”
“Dogs and cats get put to sleep; hogs and cows get slaughtered.”
“If you're reading it in a book, folks, it ain't self-help. It's help.”
“Writing books isn't a drastic departure from writing for the stage.”
“Most people are not particularly good at anything.”
“When I see a large group of people, I wonder how many of them will eventually require autopsies.”
“Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me.”
“Did you ever look at your watch, and you look away... and you don't know what time it is?”
“The next time a prostitute solicits your business, ask for the clergyman's rate.”
“Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.”
“You know who would make an interesting murder-suicide? Madeline Albright and Yanni.”
“I don't own a camera, so I travel with a police sketch artist.”
“You never see a smiling runner.”
“Without the laughs, the audience wouldn't be there at all, so in that sense, yes, I am a comedian.”
“Do you remember Barbara Bush? I call her the silver douchebag.”
“If you you think there is a solution, you're part of the problem.”
“The Christians are coming to get you, and they are not pleasant people.”