Home / Authors / George Carlin

George Carlin

George Carlin Quotes

Comedian

George Carlin, born on May 12, 1937, in New York, USA, was a renowned American comedian, writer, and actor. His career began in the 1960s, and he became famous for his unique sense of humor and insightful observations on social phenomena. Carlin was known for his sharp wit and satirical take on politics, religion, language, and culture, often sparking controversy but also winning widespread acclaim.

Filter quotes by topic

All People Funny Ifs Thinking Humor Humorous Stupid People Knows Stupid Way

Famous George Carlin Quotes

“It was the typical paranoid experience [to hide coke]. As soon as I knew my hiding place, I thought the whole world knew it. I'd write clues to my hiding places in code, then forget the code and spend the rest of the day looking for my coke.”

World Writing Whole Forget Whole World Code Hiding Typical Clue Paranoid Coke Hiding Place

Author:George Carlin

“Sometimes, when I was really loaded, I'd sit on the floor and sort out every nut and bolt in the house. It was just sheer insanity. And often there'd be speed in the cut, so I was a speed freak, too.”

Sometimes House Cutting Speed Insanity Nuts Freak Sheer Loaded Bolts Nuts And Bolts

Author:George Carlin

“There are an awful lot of things in the cut of street drugs that eventually make you sick. I reached a point where the skin around the edges of my fingernails used to hurt all the time. And it would peel away easily. Now, that must have been from some poison in the cut.”

Has Beens Used Hurt Cutting Streets Drug Skins Sick Edges Awful Poison Fingernails

Author:George Carlin

“It was just a compulsion. In fact, I soon realized that the only thing I really enjoyed was the actual snorting.”

Facts Enjoyed Compulsion

Author:George Carlin

“The secretiveness. The stealth. Those were obviously the aspects of cocaine use I was addicted to.”

Use Aspect Cocaine Stealth

Author:George Carlin

“Two things happened. The creative side of my career was harmed. When I'd sit down and write under the influence of coke, the ratio of pages kept to pages thrown out declined drastically. But onstage, when rapping about a feeling I already owned, I would sometimes get a burst of eloquence.”

Writing Two Sometimes Feelings Sides Careers Creative Happened Influence Pages Down And Rap Things Happen Two Things Thrown Eloquence Coke Ratios

Author:George Carlin

“For an entertainer, part of the thing you do is just style. And the coke did help me get into great runs of pure form.”

Helping Running Form Style Pure Help Me Entertainers Coke

Author:George Carlin

“When I listen to those tapes now, the real cocaine shows; there's just nothing special about their content.”

Real Shows Special Tape Cocaine

Author:George Carlin

“The Class Clown album was done totally sober. I'd realized what a hell I'd made for myself and I cleaned up completely for three months. You can hear the clarity of my thinking and of my speech on that album.”

Thinking Made Done Three Class Hell Months Speech Albums Clarity Sober Clown Three Months

Author:George Carlin

“By the next one [albom],Occupation: Foole, I was right back into the trip again. I'm more frantic, more breathless. You can hear how sick I am. If you want to see a cokehead, just look at the pictures on the Occupation: Foole album.”

Ifs Want Looks Next Sick Albums Occupation The Next One Frantic Breathless

Author:George Carlin

“The angles of my body show you an awful lot. I started doing coke to feel open, but by that time, the hole had opened so wide that I'd fallen through. The body language in those photos tells you everything.”

Feels Shows Body Language Wide Holes Awful Fallen Angle Coke Body Language

Author:George Carlin

“In terms of coke, the only money I ever thought about was that dollar bill I had stuck up my nose.”

Term Bills Dollars Stuck Noses Coke Dollar Bills Stuck Up

Author:George Carlin

“It ended suddenly for Brenda, more slowly for me. My runs began getting shorter and less pleasurable. I'd feel bad after only one day, or only a few hours, instead of four or five days. And I began to want to stop. One of the proudest moments of my life was at a rock-'n'-roll theater in New Jersey. A guy actually put some coke under my nose and I was able to say, "No, thanks," and turn my head away.”

Want Feels Moments Running Able Guy Turns Hours Five Four Rocks One Day Theater Thanks Noses Rock N Roll Jersey Coke New Jersey Proudest Moments

Author:George Carlin

“Because Brenda [Carlin] had a drinking problem along with the coke, she had to hit bottom first. Most alcoholics do. And for her, bottom was an automobile accident that almost landed her in jail.”

Firsts Problem Drinking Bottom Accidents Jail Alcoholics Automobile Coke Drinking Problem

Author:George Carlin

“Brenda [Carlin] went into therapy and I soon joined her. First we put the drugs behind us, then we began serious work on our relationship. And, in time, we got well together.She just drove through a hotel lobby. Now, that's bottoming out.”

Firsts Wells Together Behinds Serious Drug Therapy Hotel Our Relationship Serious Work Hotel Lobby

Author:George Carlin

“The coke made me incredibly horny.”

Made Coke Horny

Author:George Carlin

“Anyone who's onstage is going to attract a certain number of misguided people. But I was never very interested in groupies.”

People Certain Numbers Misguided Groupie

Author:George Carlin

“Instead of thinking about the sex, I'd always think about the clap and the crabs those people have.”

People Thinking Sex Crabs

Author:George Carlin

“The women who line up at a comic's dressing-room door are not what you'd call your class groupies.”

Lines Rooms Class Doors Comic Dressings Dressing Rooms Groupie

Author:George Carlin

“I suspect there really was more to my accident than bad luck. I think it was God's way of punishing my nose.”

Thinking Way Luck Accidents Noses Suspects Bad Luck

Author:George Carlin

“My left descending septal branch artery decided to close without consultation with any of my other organs. It happened on Saint Patrick's Day, 1978.”

Left Happened Decided Saint Branches Organs Descending Arteries Consultation

Author:George Carlin

“I loved the angiogram. They stick a thing in your thigh and it goes all the way up to your heart. Isn't that a thrill? Well, at least the nurse scored thigh.”

Way Wells Heart Sticks Nurse Thrill Thighs

Author:George Carlin

“Sometimes, after I'd gone at the coke like one of those snow plows moving up First Avenue, I'd think my heart was over on the dresser, pounding, and I was watching it. I asked some of the doctors who drifted through the intensive-care unit what kind of effect total cocaine abuse has on the heart and they said things like, "Well, there's not enough valid information...." That kind of answer.”

“I consider the coke a major cause. Of course, you could also make the argument that because cocaine speeds up the heart, it's good for you.”

Heart Courses Causes Majors Argument Speed Cocaine Coke

Author:George Carlin

“By the age of six or seven, I was already doing voices and faces, making my friends and my mother laugh.”

Age Faces Mother Voice Laughing Six My Friends Seven

Author:George Carlin

“I saw Danny Kaye in a movie, and he was doing voices and faces on that big, big screen and making whole audiences laugh. It was just an instant hookup.”

Whole Bigs Faces Voice Audience Laughing Saws Screens Instant Big Screen

Author:George Carlin

“First I was a mimic. Practically from the moment I began talking, I did impersonations of the people in my neighborhood - the storekeepers, the policemen, my teachers.”

People Firsts Moments Talking Teacher Neighborhood Policemen Storekeeper

Author:George Carlin

“I always knew I could hold people's attention and make them laugh every 30 or 40 seconds, and I got approval and attention for that, so the behavior was reinforced. Later, that became an important skill on the street corner.”

People Important Attention Laughing Streets Skills Behavior Corners Seconds Approval Street Corners

Author:George Carlin

“My father and mother separated when I was two months old.”

Two Mother Father Months Two Months

Author:George Carlin

“I literally didn't know my father. My mother had been a secretary, and after she and my father split, she went back to work for an advertising executive. So my older brother and I were "latch-door kids." We went home for lunch and after school by ourselves.”

Knows Home Kids School Mother Father Doors Brother Advertising Executives Lunch Splits Secretary Back To Work Older Brother After School Latches

Author:George Carlin

“My mother didn't get home until about seven most nights and, yes, there was a sense of being very alone after school. She gave me all the proper guidance and influences, but physically, she just couldn't be there.”

Home School Mother Night Influence Seven Guidance After School

Author:George Carlin

“I became a radio nut. I loved the afternoon serials, and I got into jazz through the radio. I had a subscription to Down Beat when I was 12. And I'd spend a lot of time in front of the minor, miming records.”

Records Fronts Beats Jazz Radio Afternoon Nuts Minors Serials Subscription

Author:George Carlin

“In my fifth-grade yearbook - it's right up there on the top shell - the last page says, "What about your future?" and under my name, it says, "When I grow up, I would like to be either an actor, a radio announcer, an impersonator or a comedian."”

Lasts Actors Names Grows Growing Up Pages Radio Comedian Grades Our Future Shells Fifth Your Future Fifth Grade Announcers Yearbook Impersonators

Author:George Carlin

“Being a Dodgers fan led to my first Air Force court-martial, but that's another story.”

Firsts Stories Force Air Fans Court Air Force Dodgers

Author:George Carlin

“There are two types of people: One strives to control his environment, the other strives not to let his environment control him. I like to control my environment, because I feel if I have my physical space in order, then I'm free to dream.”

People Ifs Feels Two Dream Order Space Environment Type Strive Strife

Author:George Carlin

“I think it keeps the child alive in me. There's a thrill when you steal something in plain view of other people.”

People Thinking Children Views Alive Stealing Thrill

Author:George Carlin

“The dividend I get [from my compulsion] is the freedom to be totally disorderly in my dreamworld.”

Compulsion Dividends

Author:George Carlin

“When I'm not actually doing my work, I'm planning it or thinking about it or reading things that on some level are transformed into performance fantasies. I have no active interests.”

Thinking Reading Interest Levels Fantasy Performances Active Planning Transformed

Author:George Carlin

“I never go anywhere or do anything that transports me outside the boundaries of my mind.”

Mind Boundaries Transport Of My Mind

Author:George Carlin

“One philosopher has rightly said that property is theft. But I'd like to use my future ownership of property to give something back.”

Giving Said Use Property Philosopher Ownership Theft My Future

Author:George Carlin

“I think it would be fair and right to use some of my land and wealth for a drug-rehab center or an Indian school.”

Thinking Use Would Be School Wealth Land Drug Fairs Indian Rehab

Author:George Carlin

“My books and records are arranged according to subject, and within each subject, they're alphabetical by author or artist. The music tapes are alphabetical and the performance tapes are in chronological order.I like to control my environment, because I feel if I have my physical space in order, then I'm free to dream.”

Ifs Feels Book Dream Artist Order Space Records Environment Subjects Performances Tape

Author:George Carlin

“There's a thrill when you steal something in plain view of other people. When you drop a newspaper over a sign and walk away with it, or take something off a wall and the sound of the glue ripping makes people turn around. Your heart is racing, it's a rush.”

People Heart Turns Sound Walks Views Wall Newspapers Stealing Racing Thrill Glue

Author:George Carlin

“I went to George Washington High School for six months before my 16th birthday, when I could legally quit. That was an even worse experience than the Catholic schools. I mean, they were still teaching fractions. But mostly, I played hooky.”

Mean Stills School Teaching Months Six High School Catholic Quitting Six Months Fractions Catholic School 16th Birthday

Author:George Carlin

“When I was in seventh grade, I was caught stealing money from the visiting team's locker room during a basketball game. So I was sent to The Brothers. That's what they called this parochial school up in Goshen, New York. I was supposed to get closer supervision there and more "masculine influence," whatever that means. But I was thrown out for telling a couple of really lame kids on the playground that I had heroin.”

“I went to my old school, where all the kids I'd been with for eight years were about to graduate. But the sisters wanted me to repeat the whole term; so I went to the principal and pleaded with her to allow me to graduate with my class. She finally agreed on the condition that I write the graduation play. It was called How Do You Spend Your Leisure Time?Catchy title, huh?”

Writing Years Play Whole Kids Wanted School Term Class Conditions Eight Titles Repeats Graduates Leisure Principal Old School Catchy Leisure Time

Author:George Carlin

“The patterns became even more vivid at Cardinal Hayes High School. That's when I began failing subjects and running away from home for days at a time.”

Home Running School Failing Subjects High School Patterns Running Away Vivid Cardinals Away From Home

Author:George Carlin

“My mother and her plans for my future. She had it all worked out. I would attend a nice college, then get a job in advertising. "You'll be one of those smart-looking fellows in their Madison Avenue suits." And I rebelled against [my mother] and her values and her plans for my future at every opportunity.”

Jobs Mother Values Opportunity Nice Plans College Smart Fellows Advertising Suits Avenues My Future Madison Madison Avenue

Author:George Carlin

“The older I got, the more apparent it became that my mother was losing control over me. She fought back fiercely with black moods, silent treatments and martyrdom. And, of course, all she did was run my ass out of the house even quicker. The pressure was unbearable.”

Running Mother Courses House Black Losing Pressure Silent Mood Ass Treatment Unbearable Martyrdom Losing Control Silent Treatment

Author:George Carlin

“The rebellious mood of the country during those [60th] years allowed me to plug right back into my old hatreds. I could scream and holler, as I did on the albums, against religion, government, big business - all those assholes and their values. That hatred was very real.”

Years Real Country Bigs Government Values Hatred Albums Mood Scream Rebellious Big Business Plugs Against Religion

Author:George Carlin

About the Author

Born: May 12, 1937
Died: June 22, 2008
Known for: Comedian
Quotes: 1027

Related Topics

People Funny Ifs Thinking Humor Humorous Stupid People Knows Stupid Way

Popular Topics

People Ifs Thinking Knows Men World Way Want Love Life Inspirational Needs Giving Feels Should Writing Trying Years Mind Firsts

Books & Sources

Napalm & Silly PuttyRelated source material

Brain DroppingsRelated source material

3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?Related source material

The Best of Brain DroppingsRelated source material

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?Related source material

Last WordsRelated source material

It's Bad for YaRelated source material

Watch My LanguageRelated source material

Similar Authors

Mitch HedbergBrowse related quotes
Steven WrightBrowse related quotes
Woody AllenBrowse related quotes
Dave BarryBrowse related quotes
Dylan MoranBrowse related quotes
Groucho MarxBrowse related quotes
Chelsea HandlerBrowse related quotes
Demetri MartinBrowse related quotes
George MikesBrowse related quotes
Chris RockBrowse related quotes