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George Carlin

George Carlin Quotes

Comedian

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Famous George Carlin Quotes

“I've begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun. It's there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: heat, light, food, and a lovely day. There's no mystery, no one asks for money, I don't have to dress up, and there's no boring pageantry. And interestingly enough, I have found that the prayers I offer to the sun and the prayers I formerly offered to "God" are all answered at about the same 50% rate.”

FirstsI CanReasonEnoughLightFunnyReligionAsksFoundPrayerNumbersSunMysteryOffersDressesRateBoringLovelyHeatPageantryLovely Day
Book:The Best of Brain Droppings
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“No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee; I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.”

MatterStatesCareFunnyIndividualNationsInterestPartyRaceGroupsPlanetsHumorousUnionsSpeciesWittyClubsImprovementTreasureLocalsNeighborhoodSarcasticAssociationDespiseCommitteesLoathe
Book:Brain Droppings
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“This is a lttle prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this: Our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. Crown thy good into temptation but deliver us from the twilight's last gleaming. Amen and Awomen.”

IfsGivingWellsArtStatesMightKidsSchoolLastsFatherForceHeavenNationsChurchPrayerNicePrayingForgivingSeparationKingdomsTemptationThis DayRepublicDedicatedTwilightCrownsOur FatherChurch And StateSeparation Of Church And StateAmenHailIndivisibleKingdom ComePrayer In School
Author:George Carlin
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“Here's a phrase that apparently the airlines simply made up: near miss. They say that if 2 planes almost collide, it's a near miss. Bullshit, my friend. It's a near hit! A collision is a near miss. [WHAM! CRUNCH!] "Look, they nearly missed!" "Yes, but not quite.”

IfsLooksMadeMissingMy FriendsPlanesPhrasesBullshitAirlineCollisionCollideCrunchNear Misses
Book:3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?
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“I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same 50% rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don't... Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe...same as the Voodoo Lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat's testicles, it's all the same: 50-50. So just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself.”

WantFunnyUsedWishEnjoyPrayerHalfFourAtheismOffersPicksPercentHumorousFortuneRateAtheistWittyFiftySarcasticSuperstitionsLeafsGoatsSqueezingEnjoy YourselfVoodooPrayers Not Being AnsweredTesticlesCloversMake A WishHorseshoesFour Leaf Clover
Author:George Carlin
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“People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can't do math. And they will readily admit to being awkward: 'I'm such a klutz!' But they will never admit to having a poor sense of humor or being a bad driver.”

PeopleFunnyPoorMathSarcasmDriversSense Of HumorAwkwardHandwriting
Book:3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?
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“To my way of thinking, there is every bit as much evidence for the existence of UFOs as there is for the existence of God. Probably far more. At least in the case of UFOs there have been countless taped and filmed and, by the way, unexplained sightings from all over the world, along with documented radar evidence seen by experienced military and civilian radar operators.>>.”

ThinkingWorldWayHas BeensBitsExistenceCasesMilitaryEvidenceMy WayCiviliansWay Of ThinkingUfoRadarExistence Of GodOperatorsUnexplained
Book:When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?
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“hard work is a misleading term. physical effort & long hours do not constitute hard work. hard work is when someone pays you to do something you'd rather not be doing. anytime you'd rather be doing something other than the thing you're doing...you're doing hard work.”

LongHardTermHoursEffortPayHard WorkMisleadDoing YouLong Hours
Book:3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?
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“It's not in the mainstream media yet, but the biggest jump in skin cancer has occurred since the advent of sunscreens. That kind of thing makes me happy. The fact that people, in pursuit of a superficial look of health, give themselves a fatal disease. I love it when 'reasoning' human beings think they have figured out how to beat something and it comes right back and kicks them in the nuts. God bless the law of unintended consequences. And the irony is impressive: Healthy people, trying to look healthier, make themselves sick. Good!”

PeopleThinkingGivingTryingHumansLooksKindFactsLawHuman BeingsMediaHealthyDiseaseBeatsConsequenceSkinsSickCancerPursuitIronyKicksReasoningBlessNutsMainstreamSuperficialImpressiveMake Me HappyGod BlessAdventMainstream MediaSunscreenUnintended ConsequencesSkin Cancer
Book:Brain Droppings
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