“I love deadlines. I like the whooshing noise they make as they go by.”
Hilarious Quotes
Browse 487 quotes about Hilarious.
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Hilarious Quotes
“Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.”
“My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more.”
Source: My Teenage Son's Goal in Life Is to Make Me Feel 3,500 Years Old: and Other Thoughts on Parenting from Dave Barry
“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”
“Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.”
Source: The Greatest Invention in the History of Mankind Is Beer: And Other Manly Insights from Dave Barry
“The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.”
“I do not believe in using women in combat, because females are too fierce.”
“If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it?”
“Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.”
“God gives us our relatives – thank God we can choose our friends.”
“If you steal from one author it's plagiarism; if you steal from many it's research.”
“If you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything.”
Source: Modern manners
“Dublin university contains the cream of Ireland: Rich and thick.”
“There is no female Mozart because there is no female Jack the Ripper.”
“Anybody can win - unless there happens to be a second entry.”
“It's true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?”
Source: Speaking my mind: selected speeches
“There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.”
“Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock.”
“Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.”
“All I know is just what I read in the papers, and that's an alibi for my ignorance.”
Source: Will Rogers' Daily Telegrams: The Coolidge years, 1926-1929
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”
“To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'”
“You should always go to other people's funerals, otherwise, they won't come to yours.”
“If you ask me anything I don't know, I'm not going to answer.”
“The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase.”
“A dress makes no sense unless it inspires men to take it off of you.”
“I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.”
Source: Billy Sunday, the Man and His Message: With His Own Words which Have Won Thousands for Christ
“Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?”
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.”