Quotessence
Home / Authors / Jon Stewart
Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes

Satirist

Filter quotes by topic

AllPeopleIfsKnowsThinkingPresidentWantWayYearsAmericaCountry

Famous Jon Stewart Quotes

“So what was work? Tasks we performed for compensation in the service of an employer, be it an individual or a corporate entity. And yes, it was as exciting as it sounds. We didn't want to work. In fact, that's about as good a definition of work as you could have: that which we didn't want to do, but had to if we didn't want to eat dirt.”

Work
Book:Earth (The Book): A Visitor's Guide to the Human Race
Create image

“I love a good argument. I love differing points of view in all facets of things. I also love grace. I've got people in my family that are to the right of Attila the Hun. When people tell me, like, "How can you platform that person on your show?" I go, "I platform my uncle every fucking Thanksgiving." By the way, I love him. He's a three-dimensional human being who has qualities that I really admire, things about him. We've lost that. We've lost the ability to love people because we litmus test at every point in every single moment.”

LoveFamilyAcceptanceArguingPartisanshipAgree To Disagree
Author:Jon Stewart
Create image

“1. Society needs laws. While anarchy can often turn a humdrum weekend into something unforgettable, eventually the mob must be kept from stealing the conch and killing Piggy. And while it would be nice if that "something" was simple human decency, anybody who has witnessed the "50% Off Wedding Dress Sale" at Filene's Basement knows we need a backup plan—preferably in writing. On the other hand, too many laws can result in outright tyranny, particularly if one of those laws is "Kneel before Zod." Somewhere between these two extremes lies the legislative sweet-spot that produces just the right amount of laws for a well-adjusted society—more than zero, less than fascism.”

CongressAnarchyFascismLegislature2004
Book:America (The Book): A Citizen's Guide to Democracy Inaction
Create image

“As heirs to a legacy more than two centuries old, it is understandable why present-day Americans would take their own democracy for granted. A president freely chosen from a wide-open field of two men every four years; a Congress with a 99% incumbency rate; a Supreme Court comprised of nine politically appointed judges whose only oversight is the icy scythe of Death -- all these reveal a system fully capable of maintaining itself. But our perfect democracy, which neither needs nor particularly wants voters, is a rarity. It is important to remember there still exist other forms of government in the world today, and that dozens of foreign countries still long for a democracy such as ours to be imposed on them.”

HumorPoliticsDemocracyCongressVotingSupreme Court
Book:America (The Book): A Citizen's Guide to Democracy Inaction
Create image

“We owe Clint Eastwood a debt of thanks. Not only because it was truly a hilarious twelve minutes of improvised "awesome" in a week of scripted "blah". But because it advanced our understanding. This president has issues, and there are very legitimate debates about his policies and actions, and successes and or failures as president - I mean, tune in next week. But I could never wrap my head around why the world, and the president republicans describe, bears so little resemblance to the world and the president that I experience. And now I know why : There is a president Obama that only republicans can see”

PoliticsTea PartyRepublicansCurrent EventsPresidentsTea Party MovementWashington Dc PoliticsClint Eastwood
Book:Miscellaneous writings
Create image

“Nobody cares that Mitt Romney is rich. It’s Romney’s inability to understand the institutional advantage that he gains from the government’s tax code largesse that’s a little offensive to people. Especially considering Romney’s view on anyone else who looks to the government for things like, I don’t know, food and medicine.”

PeopleKnowsLooksLittlesGovernmentCareViewsRichTaxesGainsAdvantageMedicineCodeConsideringOffensiveInabilityRomneyNobody CaresLargesse
Author:Jon Stewart
Create image

“Really, an historic night last night. You may have heard, Barack Obama will be the first black president of the United States of America. ... Obama is also the first Democrat to receive more than 50 percent of the vote since Jimmy Carter, the first senator to be elected since Jack Kennedy, the first Muslim to be ... I said too much.”

FirstsMaySaidStatesLastsAmericaNightBlackPresidentUnitedUnited StatesToo MuchHeardPercentVoteDemocratBarackSenatorsUnited States Of AmericaHistoricLast NightJimmyCarterJack Kennedy
Author:Jon Stewart
Create image

“Everybody talks about the entitlement generation. There is no time I'd rather live in than now, and there is no generation I would more entrust the future of this country to than this one. There is a tendency to live in a nostalgic state in this country, and to think that other generations possessed an integrity and a tenacity greater than the generation that is now. I wholeheartedly disagree with that. I believe that this is a group that will rise up to any challenge that comes before them as well as any other generation in America would have done.”

ThinkingBelieveWellsCountryStatesDoneAmericaI BelieveChallengesGreaterGenerationsGroupsIntegrityTendenciesDisagreePossessedTenacityEntitlementNostalgicWholeheartedly
Author:Jon Stewart
Create image

“Fox opposes a Syria peace plan because its modus operandi is to foment dissent in the form of a relentless and irrational contrarianism to Barack Obama and all things Democratic, to advance its ultimate objective of creating a deliberately misinformed body politic whose fear, anger, mistrust, and discontent is the manna upon which it sustains its parasitic succubus-like existence.”

BodyFormExistencePlansCreatingAll ThingsUltimateDemocraticObjectivesBarackIrrationalSyriaFoxesDissentRelentlessDiscontentMistrustSuccubusModus Operandi
Author:Jon Stewart
Create image

“I have to say, as someone who is not a Christian, it’s hard for me to believe Christians are a persecuted people in America. God willing, maybe one of you one day will even rise up and get to be president of this country — or maybe forty-four in a row. But that’s my point, is they’ve taken this idea of no establishment as persecution, because they feel entitled, not to equal status, but to greater status.”

PeopleFeelsBelieveIdeasCountryHardChristianAmericaPresidentTakenGreaterFourWillingOne DayEqualGods WillFortyEstablishmentEntitledPersecutionPersecuted
Author:Jon Stewart
Create image

“The (Supreme Court) ruling that anyone who's arrested -- even accidentally -- can be strip-searched was decided five to four, with the votes for the searches coming from the Court's five conservatives. You know -- the 'defending personal liberty' guys. Which is weird because I'm not a constitutional scholar, but I'm willing to bet Big Government feels it's biggest when it's inside your anus.”

KnowsFeelsBigsGovernmentGuyLibertyFiveFourWillingDecidedVoteCourtSupremeScholarSupreme CourtRulingArrestedBig GovernmentPersonal LibertyAnus
Author:Jon Stewart
Create image

“All in all it's a pretty great day for major league sports. At long last they've decided that gay people are fit to be included in their elite club-one that's already allowed in adulterers, wife-swappers, gamblers, cheaters, rapists, racists and slaughterers of man. Those who've abused spouses, drugs, alcohol, family members and animals. Congratulations, gay athletes. Are you sure you want to hang out with these people?”

PeopleMenWantLongLastsSportsChangeAnimalWifeFitGayDrugMembersMajorsDecidedAthleteClubsAlcoholLeagueRacistHanging OutElitesSpouseCongratulationsGay PeopleFamily MembersGreat DayMajor LeagueCheater
Author:Jon Stewart
Create image

“You guys (Boko Haram) are trying so hard to convince everybody that you're such badasses. But all you've done with this kidnapping is highlight who the real badasses are, the kids you kidnapped. Compared to a teenager who knows that her desire for an education could get her dragged into a snake infested jungle to be sold as a bribe to some demented, stick-chewing cartoon villain but still gets up and goes to class everyday, fully aware of that danger - compared to their courage - I'd say Boko Haram is a bunch of little girls. But, you know what? You don't deserve that compliment.”

KnowsTryingLittlesStillsRealHardDoneKidsDesireGuyGirlClassDangerDeserveSticksEverydayBunchGet UpTeenagerConvinceComplimentVillainCartoonSnakesJungleBadassHighlightsBribeKidnappingChewingKidnappedDementedTrying So HardBoko HaramHaram
Author:Jon Stewart
Create image