Quotessence
Home / Topics / Hilarious Quotes

Hilarious Quotes

Browse 487 quotes about Hilarious.

Related topics

FunnyWittyHumorousHumorIfsPeopleInspirationalLifeMenFunny LifeWomenThinkingTwoComedyFunny WomenSarcasticWayKnowsLaughterThreeFunny InspirationalSillyWantBelieveFirstsFunny RelationshipGivingInspiringLooksPolitics

Hilarious Quotes

“There's a reason caveman started to develop sophisticated tools before the meteor wiped them all out: It's so they could fucking shave. Do you know how frustrating it must have been to be hunched over all night trying to start a fire only to finally succeed just to have your beard go up in flames? No aloe vera back then.”

HumorFunnyHilariousBeardShavingGroomingRules To Rule ByAri GoldThe Gold Standard
Book:The Gold Standard: Rules to Rule By
Create image

“First, if you participate in Movember, fuck you. Second, if you want to raise money for prostate cancer (a noble cause), do it the old-fashioned way, by either begging for it or exerting yourself physically for donations. Sitting on your ass and letting nature take its course above your upper lip is not the same thing as running a 10K at a local high school or breaking out the set of power tools your dad gave you as a housewarming present collecting dust in your garage and using them to go out and build a habitat for humanity. Maybe I can raise money for rectal cancer by getting people to pledge a dollar every time I take a shit. And third no one wants to see that horrific seventies pornstache growing like a caterpillar with cerebral palsy zigzagging across your face; you look like you're about to go door to door informing people that you're a registered sex offender who's just moved in next door and would their kids like to come out and was your windowless van for a dollar? Fuck Movember. And November.”

CancerHilariousBeardNovemberRules To Rule ByAri GoldThe Gold StandardMovember
Book:The Gold Standard: Rules to Rule By
Create image

“There is one hour in his life when we see a flash of utter physical action on Christ's part, an hour when this most curious of men must have experienced the sheer joyous exuberance of a young mammal in full flight: when he lets himself go and flings over the first money changer's table in the Temple at Jerusalem, coins flying, doves thrashing into the air, oxen bellowing, sheep yowling, the money changer going head-over-teakettle, all heads turning, what the...? You don't think Christ got a shot of utter childlike physical glee at that moment? Too late to stop now, his rage rushing to his head, his veiny carpenter's-son wiry arms and hard feet milling as he whizzes through the Temple overturning tables, smashing birdcages, probably popping a furious money-changer here and there with a quick left jab or a well-placed Divine Right Elbow to the money-lending teeth, whipping his scourge of cords against the billboard-size flank of an ox, men scrambling to get out of the way, to grab some of the flying coins, to get a punch in on this nutty rube causing all the ruckus... In all this holy rage and chaos, don't you think there was a little absolute boyish mindless physical jittery joy in the guy?”

GodChristianJoyJesusChristChristianityJesus ChristCatholicRageCatholicismHilariousJerusalemPhysicalRuckusMoney Changers
Book:Credo: Essays on Grace, Altar Boys, Bees, Kneeling, Saints, the Mass, Priests, Strong Women, Epiphanies, a Wake, and the Haun
Create image

“You're doing it wrong." "Son, I've got a gun to your chest and you're telling me that I'm doing it wrong?" "Yes" "How?" "Closer isn't better." He disarmed her with a swift motion, then offered the weapon back to her. "Further away you are, the less unpredictable I can be." Della's eyes had opened wide with surprise, but she recovered fast. Took the shotgun back and said, "Okay. Knock again so we can start over.”

ContemporaryHilariousM MSe JakesBang Bang Bang
Book:Long Time Gone
Create image

“Speaking of shabby looks, we're going to have to give you a haircut soon. ...WHAT? These feathers are getting messy. LET ME UNDERSTAND THIS CORRECTLY. YOU WISH TO CUT MY MANE? Thunder tigers grow manes? OF COURSE! HOW ELSE WOULD YOU TELL MALES FROM FEMALES? This is a trick question, right? A MANE IS A SIGN A MALE ARASHITORA HAS REACHED MATURITY. Her laughter rang out in his mind. So it's going to be a few more decades growing, then? HMPH. I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW MOST FEMALES FIND IT FETCHING.”

HilariousBuruuManesYukiko
Book:Endsinger
Create image

“Who was that?" "A one-night stand that didn't want to let go." Alexis looked over the sea of people, trying to find the woman.  "There seems to be a lot of those." "Too late to change my past now, but if I could, I would." Alexis gave him a disbelieving smirk.  "Are you saying, if you could have changed things, you would've waited for me?" He gave her his wicked grin.  "I'm saying I would have found you sooner.”

HilariousFinding LoveCocky Smile
Book:Alluring
Create image

“Valkyrie stood there and waited for her to start making sense. "There is a vegetable-plant hybrid we've been working on, modifying the genes and receptors, mutating the proteins and acids so that they are, in effect, neurotransmitters. Our work on the synapses alone has been quite illuminating." Valkyrie stood there and waited for her to start making sense.”

FunnyScienceWittyHilariousMake Me LaughEpic Quote
Book:The Dying of the Light
Create image

“Jules could have sworn there was a devilish glint in the shopkeepers eye. 'I find today I am in need of a bonnet.' Mr. Postlethwaite was silent. And then his eyes crept toward the marquess's hairline. 'It will be a gift for a woman, Mr. Postlethwaite.' 'Of course, sir.' The marquess wished the 'of course' sounded a bit more sincere. He'd scarcely been in the shop for more than three minutes and already his dignity was fraying.”

SillyMistakesHilarious
Book:How the Marquess Was Won
Create image

“Her next words took me by surprise. I lay as still as I could, barely breathing, afraid that if I moved she would stop speaking her heart. “My mom wanted six children. She only got me, and that sucks for her because I was a total weirdo.” “You were not,” I said. She twisted her head up to look at me. “I used to line my lips in black eyeliner and sit cross-legged on the kitchen table … meditating.” “Not that bad,” I said. “Crying out for attention.” “Okay, when I was twelve I started writing letters to my birth mother because I wanted to be adopted.” I shook my head. “Your childhood sucked, you wanted a new reality.” She snorted air through her nose. “I thought a mermaid lived in my shower drain, and I used to call her Sarah and talk to her.” “Active imagination,” I countered. She was becoming more insistent, her little body wriggling in my grip. “I used to make paper out of dryer lint.” “Nerdy.” “I wanted to be one with nature, so I started boiling grass and drinking it with a little bit of dirt for sugar.” I paused. “Okay, that’s weird.” “Thank you!” she said. Then, she got serious again. “My mom just loved me through all of it.”

LoveFriendshipHeartbreakHilariousQuirky
Book:Thief
Create image

“A woman in possession of a bomb is in want of a reason to use it." "Oh god help us, she's been reading old shit again." Kuma said. "Hanging up now," Naira said. "Tell me if anything blows up that's not supposed to." She hung up before Cav could get out more than a mangled " but-" Naira half sensed eyes on her, and half turned to arch a brow at Tarquin. "Pride and Prejudges?" He grinned sheepishly and brushed the hair off his forehead. "I knew you read nonfiction, but somehow fiction didn't fit in with all the... shooting and bombing.”

FriendshipPowerfulFlirtingHilariousBook LoversTeasing
Book:The Fractured Dark
Create image

“For a long moment the butler sat in silence, his jaw hanging open. “I . . . my lord, I simply don't feel qualified to advise you about such matters.” “Don't tell me that,” Saint protested. “Tell me whether you can imagine me as a married man or not.” To his surprise, the butler set aside his brandy snifter and sat forward. “My lord, I do not wish to overstep my bounds, but I have noticed a change in your demeanor of late. The question of whether anyone can imagine you married or not, however, is one I believe must be answered by you. And the lady, of course.” Saint frowned. “Coward.” “There is that, as well.”

MarriageHilarious
Book:London's Perfect Scoundrel
Create image

“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.”

MayMotivationalFunnyMotivationGoalHoursWorkBusinessCareersHumorousManagementEightCleverFaithfulBossOccupationIronicTwelveSelf DisciplineHilariousFunny InspirationalFunny MotivationalLong HoursFunny BusinessFunny WorkFunny LeadershipProfessional CareerBoss DayBoss's DayFunny Boss DayFunniest InspirationalOffice WorkHappy Boss DayWork HumorGood BossOffice JobsNational Boss DayFunny BossBoss And LeaderWorking LateWorking Long HoursOffice Hours
Author:Robert Frost
Create image

“People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.”

PeopleThinkingKnowsHumorTruthFunnyKnowledgeKnowingLaughterHumorousEducationalAdvertisingArroganceSarcasticIronicAnnoyingHilariousFunny InspirationalAnnoyedFunny LifeAnnoyanceFunny MotivationalThinking About YouFunny LeadershipSelf GlorificationI Think Of YouHilarious ShortKnowing EverythingFunny ThoughtsAnnoying PeopleBeing AnnoyedJust Thinking Of YouThinking Of Someone
Author:Isaac Asimov
Create image

“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.”

IfsNeedsHumorFunnyMoneyBusinessProveHumorousFinancialWittyCreditFinanceBudgetsSarcasmSarcasticCommerceBankingHilariousBankersPenniesOne LinerLendingFunny MoneyMoney ManagementPersonal FinanceWise MoneyInspirational MoneyFunny SarcasticMoney Can't Buy HappinessNeed MoneyBankers And BanksFunny One LinerBanks And MoneyHilarious ShortMoney MotivationBanking Crisis
Author:Bob Hope
Create image

“Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.”

MenHumorFunnyWomenFeminismEqualAmbitionHumorousMen And WomenEmpowermentDrinkingFeministSeekingEqualityWomen EmpowermentAmbitiousStrong WomenFemininityHilariousEqual RightsEmpowering WomenMen WomenFemale EmpowermentBeing A WomanMy AmbitionEmpowered WomenGirlyPsychedelic ExperienceWomen PowerBeing EqualInternational Women's DayBeing A Strong WomanInspire WomenWomen EqualityFunny WomenI Am WomanSmart WomenInternational Women DayEquality For AllWomans DayWoman LeaderEquality Of ManLife AmbitionSubservienceGreat AmbitionAmbitious ManAmbitious WomenPolitical AmbitionEqual PowerAmbitions And DreamsLack Of Ambition
Author:Timothy Leary
Create image