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Scott Adams

Scott Adams Quotes

Comic Strip Creator

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Famous Scott Adams Quotes

“What you rarely see is a stillborn failure that transmogrifies into a stellar success. Small successes can grow into big ones, but failures rarely grow into successes. I can’t think of an example in my life. It’s generally true that if no one is excited about your art/product/idea in the beginning, they never will be. If the first commercial version of your work excites no one to action, it’s time to move on to something different. Don’t be fooled by the opinions of friends and family. They’re all liars.”

Failure
Book:How to Fail at Almost Everything and Still Win Big: Kind of the Story of My Life
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“I think I’d know it if we were part of an omnipotent being,” I said. “Would you? Your skin cells are not aware that they are part of a human being. Skin cells are not equipped for that knowledge. They are equipped to do what they do and nothing more. Likewise, if we humans—and all the plants and animals and dirt and rocks—were components of God, would we have the capacity to know it?” “So, you’re saying God blew himself to bits—I guess that was the Big Bang—and now he’s piecing himself back together?” I asked. “He is discovering the answer to his only question.” “Does God have consciousness yet? Does he know he’s reassembling himself?” “He does. Otherwise you could not have asked the question, and I could not have answered.”

GodConsciousnessCellsPandeism
Book:God's Debris: A Thought Experiment
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“I'm more of a sprinter than a marathoner when it comes to many aspects of life. For example, when I'm running. Over short distances--up to two yards--I can run faster than cheap panty hose on an itchy porcupine. But over long distances, I'm not so impressive. I try to compensate for my lack of long-distance endurance by having good form. I'm told that my running style is quite majestic. That's probably because I learned to run by watching nature films in which leopards chased frightened zebras. Now when I run, I open my eyes real wide and let my tongue slap the side of my face. If you saw it, you'd be saying, "That's very majestic." And then you'd run like a frightened zebra. That's why my homeowners association voted to ask me to do my jogging with a pillowcase over my head.”

RunningMajesticZebras
Book:The Dilbert Future: Thriving on Stupidity in the 21st Century
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“Never use naughtiness in mixed company, unless your witticism is so funny that your audience will shoot tears of happiness out of their eyes with a velocity sufficient to powerwash a small bus. Any joke that falls short of that standard will make you lose respect in the eyes of everyone except your best friends, who, as you know, lost respect for you long ago.”

HumorFriendshipDirty JokesNaughtiness
Book:The Joy of Work: Dilbert's Guide to Finding Happiness at the Expense of Your Co-Workers
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“A God who knew the answer to that question would indeed know everything and have everything. For that reason he would be unmotivated to do anything or create anything. There would be no purpose to act in any way whatsoever. But a God who had one nagging question—what happens if I cease to exist?—might be motivated to find the answer in order to complete his knowledge. ... The fact that we exist is proof that God is motivated to act in some way. And since only the challenge of self-destruction could interest an omnipotent God, it stands to reason that we... are God's debris.”

GodOmnipotenceDebrisPandeism
Book:God's Debris: A Thought Experiment
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“Lately...the Peter Principle has given way to the "Dilbert Principle." The basic concept of the Dilbert Principle is that the most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.”

BusinessHumourPeter Principle
Book:The Dilbert principle: a cubicle's-eye view of bosses, meetings, management fads & other workplace afflictions
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“Every generation of humans believed it had all the answers it needed, except for a few mysteries they assumed would be solved at any moment. And they all believed their ancestors were simplistic and deluded. What are the odds that you are the first generation of humans who will understand reality ?”

FirstsHumansMomentsRealityWould BeScienceAnswersGenerationsMysteryNeededAncestorOddsDeluded
Book:God's Debris: A Thought Experiment
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“Scientists often invent words to fill the holes in their understanding.These words are meant as conveniences until real understanding can be found. ... Words such as dimension and field and infinity ... are not descriptions of reality, yet we accept them as such because everyone is sure someone else knows what the words mean.”

KnowsMeanRealRealityScienceFoundUnderstandingAcceptingFieldsAcceptanceScientistHolesDimensionsDescriptionInfinityConvenienceNomenclature
Author:Scott Adams
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“I think you should live your life so that the maximum number of people will attend your funeral.”

PeopleThinkingShouldDeathNumbersSuicideFuneralLive Your LifeMaximumMaximum Number
Book:Stick to Drawing Comics, Monkey Brain!: Cartoonist Explains Cloning, Blouse Monsters, Voting Machines, Romance, Monkey G ods, How to Avoid Being Mistaken for a Rodent, and More
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“Lately, the only thing keeping me from being a serial killer is my distaste for manual labor.”

DeathLaborSuicideKillersManualsSerialsSerial KillerDistasteManual Labor
Book:Stick to Drawing Comics, Monkey Brain!: Cartoonist Explains Cloning, Blouse Monsters, Voting Machines, Romance, Monkey G ods, How to Avoid Being Mistaken for a Rodent, and More
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“You might argue that my example is bad because Einstein is dead. But according to physicist Erwin Schrodinger, Einstein is neither dead nor alive until we dig him up and open the casket. If he's alive, he might want his brain back, which I understand is in a Ziplock bag in some guy's freezer. And this is a perfect example of why examples always distract from the main point.”

IfsWantMightDeathGuyPerfectBrainAliveExampleSuicideArguingBagsPhysicistCasketsFreezerSchrodinger
Author:Scott Adams
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“You already barely exist. Disappearing entirely won't be that much of a change.”

DeathSuicideDisappear
Book:Stick to Drawing Comics, Monkey Brain!: Cartoonist Explains Cloning, Blouse Monsters, Voting Machines, Romance, Monkey G ods, How to Avoid Being Mistaken for a Rodent, and More
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“He changed more times than a baby in a beer-drinking contest.”

ChangedBabyDrinkingAlcoholBeerMore TimeContestsBeer Drinking
Book:Stick to Drawing Comics, Monkey Brain!: Cartoonist Explains Cloning, Blouse Monsters, Voting Machines, Romance, Monkey G ods, How to Avoid Being Mistaken for a Rodent, and More
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“If you're following the news, you know that the major religions differ in their interpretation of the holy books. For example, one way to interpret God's will is that you should love your neighbor. An alternate reading of the holy books might lead you to rig a donkey cart with small mortar rockets and aim it at a hotel full of infidels. In summary, po-tay-to, poh-tah-to. Religions are very flexible.”

IfsKnowsWayShouldBookMightReligionReadingLove YouExampleHolyMajorsNewsAimFollowingNeighborGods WillOne WayHotelInterpretationFlexibleRocketsCartsDonkeyInfidelSummaryMortarHoly BooksLove Your NeighborRigs
Author:Scott Adams
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“I can't bring myself to believe in a God with a personality like my own. I base that on the paucity of lightning attacks on people who deserve it.”

PeopleBelieveI CanGodMy OwnPersonalityDeserveLightning
Book:Stick to Drawing Comics, Monkey Brain!: Cartoonist Explains Cloning, Blouse Monsters, Voting Machines, Romance, Monkey G ods, How to Avoid Being Mistaken for a Rodent, and More
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“The people who think a guy walked on water versus the people who think a horse can fly.”

PeopleThinkingGuyJesusWaterHorseVersus
Book:Stick to Drawing Comics, Monkey Brain!: Cartoonist Explains Cloning, Blouse Monsters, Voting Machines, Romance, Monkey G ods, How to Avoid Being Mistaken for a Rodent, and More
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“I believe in karma... that means i can do bad things to you all day long and assume you deserve it.”

BelieveMeanLongI CanI BelieveCan DoDeserveAssumingI Believe InKarmaBad ThingsI Believe In Karma
Book:Stick to Drawing Comics, Monkey Brain!: Cartoonist Explains Cloning, Blouse Monsters, Voting Machines, Romance, Monkey G ods, How to Avoid Being Mistaken for a Rodent, and More
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“Simple molecules combine to make powerful chemicals. Simple cells combine to make powerful life-forms. Simple electronics combine to make powerful computers. Logically, all things are created by a combination of simpler, less capable components. Therefore, a supreme being must be in our future, not our origin. What if "God" is the consciousness that will be created when enough of us are connected by the Internet?!!”

IfsEnoughGodFormScienceSimplePowerfulConsciousnessPowerInternetFutureComputerCapableAll ThingsLogicSimplicityConnectedSupremeCellsCombinationWhat IfOur FutureChemicalsComponentsMoleculesElectronicsSupreme BeingPowerful Life
Author:Scott Adams
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“Computers and rocket ships are examples of invention, not of understanding. ... All that is needed to build machines is the knowledge that when one thing happens, another thing happens as a result. It's an accumulation of simple patterns. A dog can learn patterns. There is no "why&rdqo"; in those examples. We don't understand why electricity travels. We don't know why light travels at a constant speed forever. All we can do is observe and record patterns.”

KnowsLightHappensScienceUnderstandingCan DoSimpleResultsKnowledgeForeverRecordsOne ThingDogExampleNeededComputerMachinesConstantPatternsSpeedThings HappenInventionShipsElectricityRocketsAccumulation
Author:Scott Adams
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“I believe everybody in the world should have guns. Citizens should have bazookas and rocket launchers too. I believe that all citizens should have their weapons of choice. However, I also believe that only I should have the ammunition. Because frankly, I wouldn't trust the rest of the goobers with anything more dangerous than string.”

WorldShouldBelieveChoicesI BelieveDangerousCitizensWeaponsGunShould HaveStringsRocketsNon ViolenceAmmunitionBazookas
Author:Scott Adams
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“You probably think Stephen Hawking is in that wheelchair because of a motor neuron disease. But if you got as much barely-legal student poontang as The Hawkster, you'd be in a wheelchair too.”

IfsThinkingSexStudentsDiseaseMotorNeuronsWheelchairs
Book:Stick to Drawing Comics, Monkey Brain!: Cartoonist Explains Cloning, Blouse Monsters, Voting Machines, Romance, Monkey G ods, How to Avoid Being Mistaken for a Rodent, and More
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