Quotessence
Home / Topics / Hilarious Quotes

Hilarious Quotes

Browse 487 quotes about Hilarious.

Related topics

Hilarious Quotes

“Now give me some advice about how to take full advantage of this city. I’m always looking to improve my odds.” “Just what I’d expect from a horny actuary.” “I’m serious.” Carlos reflected for a moment on the problem at hand. He actually had never needed or tried to take full advantage of the city in order to meet women, but he thought about all of his friends who regularly did. His face lit up as he thought of some helpful advice: “Get into the arts.” “The arts?” “Yeah.” “But I’m not artistic.” “It doesn’t matter. Many women are into the arts. Theater. Painting. Dance. They love that stuff.” “You want me to get into dance? Earthquakes have better rhythm than me…And can you really picture me in those tights?” “Take an art history class. Learn photography. Get involved in a play or an independent film production. Get artsy, Sammy. I’m telling you, the senoritas dig that stuff.” “Really?” “Yeah. You need to sign up for a bunch of artistic activities. But you can’t let on that it’s all just a pretext to meet women. You have to take a real interest in the subject or they’ll quickly sniff out your game.” “I don’t know…It’s all so foreign to me…I don’t know the first thing about being artistic.” “Heeb, this is the time to expand your horizons. And you’re in the perfect city to do it. New York is all about reinventing yourself. Get out of your comfort zones. Become more of a Renaissance man. That’s much more interesting to women.”

“So...Now that we got that over with, let's get back to love at first sight, Evan said. Not infatuation at first sight...Love. With a capital L, he clarified. Love? Heeb asked, playfully pretending not to know the concept. Yeah. The real thing. The conviction that if you had this one woman, all other women would become irrelevant. You'd never again be unhappy And you'd give up anything to have her and keep her. You've experienced that? Only once. And I haven't stopped thinking about it ever since. Tell me more. Sometimes I think that I still chase women just to forget about her. Because I know I can never have her. But I can't seem to forget about her, no matter what girl I'm chasing...No one can possibly compare.... Who is she? Delilah, Evan said wistfully. Delilah?, asked Heeb, intrigued Delilah Nakova, Evan replied, with a hint of awe and reverence in his voice.”

“It is still cheating, even if nobody comes.”

“Some people would not have remained with their partners, if the unfortunate things that have happened to them had happened to their partners, or if the fortunate things that have happened to their partners had happened to them.”

“We would not be ashamed of doing some of the things we do in private, if the number of sane human beings who do them in public were large enough.”

“Whenever they are condemning weaves or breast implants, some people speak so passionately that their false teeth almost fall out.”

“Even the world’s greatest actor cannot fake an erection.”

“Death would not surprise us as often as it does, if we let go of the misbelief that newborns are less mortal than the elderly.”

“Marketing is so powerful that it can make even an extremely untalented musician a one-hundred-hits wonder.”

“Some men would not still be HIV negative or alive, if they had managed to sleep with some of the women with whom they want or wanted to have sex.”

“Being bigheaded can be as irritating and as dangerous as being small-minded.”

“Some disabled people spend a significant amount of their energy on trying to come across as abled or as not that disabled.”

“Most people who are would each not be in love with their partner, if they did not have the kind of genitals they have.”

“We have glorified wealth and freedom so much that it is impossible for most of us to truly believe that a man can truly be happy in a shack or within the confines of a prison cell.”

“Some people wish they were as happy as or happy like some people think they are.”

“The only real reason that some relationships and marriages have not yet been ended is because in each case one of the partners has not yet found their ideal partner or someone they love or at least like.”