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Should I Stay or Should I Go?: Surviving a Relationship with a Narcissist

Book by Ramani Durvasula · 5 quotes · Narcissism, Relationships, Psychology

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Should I Stay or Should I Go?: Surviving a Relationship with a Narcissist Quotes

“Narcissists are also prone to something called projection, whereby they place their flaws and questionable behaviors on everyone else. Jealousy is often a great litmus test of whether or not your partner is actually the one cheating; if he starts accusing you of cheating out of the blue, you can bet the farm on the fact that if he is not already cheating, he is likely engaging in an inappropriate relationship.”

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“The disconnect between the reality and the grandiose fantasy can make the narcissist angry, frustrated, sullen, and prone to lashing out. They are dreamers. When it comes to grandiosity and relationships is when narcissists talk about their “great love story” or the idea of an “ideal love.”

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“When it comes to love, narcissists are sprinters and not marathoners. It is often a rather grandiose experience, with numerous references to “falling in love at first sight,” and a “once-ina-lifetime” love story.”

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“His definition of “I love you” and your definition are likely completely different. It's an “I love you” crisis. The real challenge is not the words, or whether the other person means them, but rather being clear on your definition, your expectation, and ultimately how you want to be treated. Think about how you feel in this relationship, the quality of your communication and collaboration, and your partner’s behavior. Pay attention to the other person’s actions and regard. Saying “I love you” is easy; being present and engaged in a relationship is a different matter.”

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“Typical relationship books, they are about communicating more clearly, being more loving, and making time for your relationship. All of this is lovely advice, only if the other person is noticing or listening! Kierkegaard noted that “Love is the expression of the one who loves, not of the one who is loved.” The challenge is that when this expression is not met with any reciprocity, and in fact the opposite, it can be exhausting and demoralising. If you love more, then you will get more back. It’s not that linear, and while that may apply in a factory— work harder, make more widgets—it does not work in relationships, least of all with a narcissist. Personality patterns tend to be pretty entrenched—and the rules of rescue do not apply.”

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