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Ramani Durvasula Biography

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“A self-confident person is often a good problem solver and stress manager, self-reflective and able to clearly observe, articulate, and take ownership of his faults and vulnerabilities. Because self-confident people have a wellformed sense of identity and values, they do not feel the need to disrespect other people, because they know who they are and do not feel threatened by other people or their views.”

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“I am tired of people calling those of us who get stuck in these cycles "codependent" or "addicted" to the narcissistic relationship. It's not that. If you have any empathy, have normal cognitive functioning, and were shaped by societal and cultural norms and realities, it is not surprising that you would get stuck. The narcissistic relationship is like a riptide that pulls you back in even as you try to swim away. The intensity, attentiveness, and highs and lows are why you swim out to where the riptide is. The abusive behavior makes you want to swim away from the riptide, but the guilt and fear of leaving, the practical issues raised by leaving (financial, safety, cultural, family), as well as the natural drive toward attachment, connection, and love are what keep you stuck in the riptide's pull.”

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“It’s satisfying to believe that our effort will translate into results, and in many areas of our lives it does. The one area it often does not is human relationships, and the one area it will never work is in a relationship. if you are expending so much effort and not achieving your goal (of pleasing your partner) then you must be doing something wrong or lacking something. Interestingly, most people don’t initially recognize that perhaps it is their partner who is unpleasable. Many people who have been through narcissistic relationships will say that they literally gave everything they had to the point they could not try anymore. This carries a tremendous toll for the giver, who will often give of themselves to the point of exhaustion, physical health problems, loss of friends and family, and even their own sense of self.”

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“Despite our financial struggles, he - the narcissist - would insist that we take lavish vacations, get $150 bottles of wine, and spare no expense. When the bills came in, he couldn’t be bothered, but he always expected the show to go on. Narcissists will tend to spend money they don’t have to throw a big show. One place this will sometimes emerge is in wedding planning. Many people I talked with reflected back on their weddings as though they were a “show”.”

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“The pendulum has overcorrected from the cruel era of rapping a disobedient child’s knuckles with a ruler to giving every child a trophy for showing up. Every child should have the experience of being loved unconditionally, supported, and encouraged, but this requires more than a standing ovation every time he or she enters the room.”

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“Radical acceptance of the injustice is part of this process-it not fair, I cannot change it; I can, however, chart a different and authentic course forward and learn from this. Be kind to yourself, take a breath or a rest, and recognize that with time your growth and healing will supplant this injustice, but for now it needs to be grieved.”

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“Narcissists are also prone to something called projection, whereby they place their flaws and questionable behaviors on everyone else. Jealousy is often a great litmus test of whether or not your partner is actually the one cheating; if he starts accusing you of cheating out of the blue, you can bet the farm on the fact that if he is not already cheating, he is likely engaging in an inappropriate relationship.”

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“There is a difference between making excuses and “being understanding.” Your relationship is an investment—an investment of your time, your resources, and your emotions—and it may involve children, other family members, and finances. There is a lot to “protect,” so making excuses for your partner’s bad behavior becomes protective. Making excuses reflects a pattern over time, not just one bad day at the office. Making excuses involves taking similar facts and telling a story that denies your feelings while protecting your partner’s. And it is a pattern that happens repeatedly, to the point that you believe the excuses more than your own feelings. Understanding is a two-way street—a street made up of compromises shared and offered by both of you. Making excuses is a strategy for surviving a lack of empathy and a long drive down a one-way road.”

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“Wouldn’t narcissism be valuable from a Darwinian perspective? From an evolutionary perspective, the narcissist actually has the best plumage and appears to be the best mate. A purely evolutionary view does not account for what we know about the value of authenticity, self-regulation, discipline, loyalty, and community.”

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“Relationships, like all human experiences, are transient; they change every day and are meant to be enjoyed in the present. When I hear people say you need to "work" at a relationship, what that often really means is just seeing through the day-to-day; listening to another person, listening to yourself, not getting stuck on hurts from the past, and not getting lost in what might come. To be in a relationship with someone you respect, care about and value is a gift, and when you take that in the day-to-day, you honor yourself and your partner each day. Eating is no different in that you can honor yourself at each meal. So much time in relationships is spent hashing the past, and arguing about things that haven't yet happened. A relationship cannot be "hoarded", just like a meal cannot be prolonged by taking home the leftovers.”

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“When an accusation is thrown at you that does not fit you, when it doesn’t capture what you know to be true about yourself or your behavior, mentally flip it back on your partner. He is likely accusing you of what he is doing or feeling. Accusations can be about the narcissist’s own vulnerabilities and weaknesses (accusing you of being overly ambitious when he is ambitious, criticizing you for being unsuccessful or not making enough money when he is not feeling successful in that space)”

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“When relationships have outlived their shelf life, people often realize that at some level, they are sticking it our because they once thought in the light of their divine love that the other person would change. Sorry for breaking the poetic hope here, but that doesn't happen. People are like rubber bands. They may be able to stretch from time to time and do some amazing things, but in general they are who they are. If manipulation and machinations on your side get them to behave the way you want, I will set my clock on the fact that they will return to their previous way of behaving, or they will keep faking it. To be in a relationship with someone who is not really there doesn't make sense. People who aren't cooperating feel like a project to us, like something for us to rescue or fix. Rescuing is the province of firefighters and fairy tales, but it's not real life. The stance of sticking it out in hopes of redemption is an old story and one that has wasted many lives.”

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“Narcissists are manipulative and masterful at twisting the situation and working the rules to get what they want. Even more frustrating, they will turn things around in such a way that you may ultimately give them what they want and exhaust yourself in the process. Early in a relationship, the manipulation is most often emotional (“I had a tough childhood, so sometimes I say things I do not mean” or “I am under a lot of stress, so I blew up—I didn’t really mean it”) and financial (masterfully getting you to take on disproportionately more financial responsibility, finding yourself spending money you do not have to keep your relationship going and your partner happy.”

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“Your vulnerable partner may frequently put himself down and sometimes respond to positive feedback, but, in general, he is chronically self-critical and may seem neglectful or dejected most of the time. It often looks like depression. If this is your partner, you may become aware of this pattern over time through the absolute sense of isolation, neglect, and disconnection that unfolds.”

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“The disconnect between the reality and the grandiose fantasy can make the narcissist angry, frustrated, sullen, and prone to lashing out. They are dreamers. When it comes to grandiosity and relationships is when narcissists talk about their “great love story” or the idea of an “ideal love.”

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“You already put so much money into this machine (emotional energy), it has to pay out. You aren’t going to walk away, because what if the next person comes around and pulls the handle and hits the jackpot (the next woman he dates get the engagement ring)? A slot machine that pays out consistently every time you put money into it might get dull, perhaps like a kind, empathic person who is always there for you. It may not be about big jackpots after all, but rather about loving mutual regard, which is in fact the greatest jackpot of all.”

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“The technical term that is often used for this is “interpersonally exploitative.” In short, because of the singular focus on fulfilling their needs, especially external needs, narcissists will use other people as objects to get those needs met. Other people often do serve literally as objects—a tool to get a job done. Because you are not in on this secret in the beginning, it can feel a bit depersonalizing—as though you are only valued when you are functional. It can feel manipulative, because your partner may compliment you excessively and then hit you with a difficult request or ask you to make uncomfortable requests.”

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“When it comes to love, narcissists are sprinters and not marathoners. It is often a rather grandiose experience, with numerous references to “falling in love at first sight,” and a “once-ina-lifetime” love story.”

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“Because they are manipulative, narcissists know how to spin a tale that will elicit your sympathy, make you want to help them, and also make it harder for you to criticize them or express your disapproval regarding certain behaviors. The narcissistic partner’s back story is frequently cited as a reason you kept trying to fight for the relationship. The back story often left you wanting to “rescue” him and to fix his past. You keep writing excuses instead of addressing the behavior that is taking a toll on you.”

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“Perhaps the hardest thing of all is to leave the illusion. A part of what you are leaving is an illusion, a mirage—something that actually is not there. And it is not real. And yet, it hurts. Ending a relationship is stressful, challenging, and psychologically difficult. Whether it has been going on for months or years, breaking up is hard to do. We consider issues, including what we are getting out of our relationship, whether there is someone else out there who might be better for us who is available and a good option, as well as what we might lose if we left. We do that algebra of the heart and if the numbers favor staying, we stay. If the numbers favor leaving, we leave.”

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“When these red flags appeared early on, the narrative was “shaped” in a way that was at times romantic, passionate, and even practical. The old saying of “love is blind” applies here, and before these patterns set in, hope is often what allows people to look the other way when the red flags arise. Over time, the narratives become a bit more realistic, hope begins to fade, and it becomes brutally clear that these patterns of mistrust, anger, and deceit are here to stay. A human relationship should not be built on what you can do for someone, but simply on a mutual partnership. A narcissistic relationship can often devolve into superficial attributes, such as jobs, schools, titles, resources, addresses, photo-shopped images, status posts, quiet children, well-appointed homes, and possessions.”

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“I felt like I was going to die, and I went into a deep depression. It took me years to get out of that fog. You need micro-changes you had to make to survive this relationship. Narcissistic partners are masterful at leaving someone feeling like they are doing something wrong. Fear of being alone often drives a person back into a relationship quickly. If you are going to give your partner these second chances, just make sure your expectations are in line with reality. It really comes down to your willingness to shift your focus out of the past and into the present and the future.”

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“His definition of “I love you” and your definition are likely completely different. It's an “I love you” crisis. The real challenge is not the words, or whether the other person means them, but rather being clear on your definition, your expectation, and ultimately how you want to be treated. Think about how you feel in this relationship, the quality of your communication and collaboration, and your partner’s behavior. Pay attention to the other person’s actions and regard. Saying “I love you” is easy; being present and engaged in a relationship is a different matter.”

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“The belief that someday he will see how wonderful you are, and he will apologize and thank you for standing by his side. The hope of redemption. It is one of the primary messages of all world religions: Through love comes redemption. It is a dangerous sell, because it can be true and miraculous, but in the case of narcissism, redemption will almost never occur. By definition a personality disorder is almost impossible to change. Removing the hope will help you find your way to taking care of you.”

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“Each time something more interesting than you turns up— at work, a person, an opportunity—he will ignore you again. The disappointment each time this takes place can be paralysing. I presented the idea of being “enough.” Always remember, you are more than enough, always have been, always will be. The narcissist also never feels like he is enough, so he is always seeking attention and affirmation from the outside. If he is never enough, then no one else is either, but he is not aware of this dynamic. It would be an entirely different experience if he sat with you and said, “I am very empty, and I will never feel like I am enough, so I know that I will always treat you like you are not enough, even though you are.” If your partner had that level of insight, then he would not be narcissistic.”

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“Narcissists do not tolerate anything that feels like abandonment. The reaction to narcissistic injury is typically narcissistic rage and revenge. Many people who endure a narcissistic breakup will say that they had to start anew— and learned who their real friends were. Because they engage in projection (taking what they are feeling and projecting it onto someone else), and because they do not take responsibility for anything or anyone, they blame. Meet his behavior with dignified silence.”

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“Given that narcissists can often be quite vulnerable, again, because their self-esteem is so fragile and reliant on the judgments of other people, depression is not a surprising part of this picture. At times when they are depressed, especially for men, it is quite possible that their mood will be even more irritable than usual, or they will become more withdrawn, and seemingly more focused on themselves. The big-ticket symptoms we would like to see changed—the lack of empathy, the chronic entitlement, the grandiosity—tend to be most resistant to change, since they are linked so strongly to the core deficits of the disorder, such as an inability to regulate self-esteem.”

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“The darker dynamics of narcissism imply that one person in the relationship gives just about everything, and the other (the narcissist) just takes. If the relationship is reciprocal, compromise is effortless. The more challenging disappointments are the lack of empathy, the lack of connection, the lack of support.”

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“Strong emotions make narcissists uncomfortable. In your darkest hours you may have to appease and soothe them. Ironically, if they are experiencing the loss, they will often stop the clocks and turn into their own self-focused, self-referenced mourning period, expecting all lives to halt for them. The lack of support in the face of a crisis represents one of the more devastating conditions. Illness in a partner can raise a wide array of reactions in the narcissist, ranging from anger and irritability that their narcissistic supply is otherwise preoccupied to resenting the attention your illness may bring to you to actually becoming anxious and in fact even helpful because they are concerned about losing your availability and presence.”

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“Behaviors may shift temporarily, but the core issues will remain. The feelings will also shift and change every day. After your time served, and years spent trying to make it work, it can be quite galling to have your partner pick up and leave. Many times, the narcissist does decide to head out for greener pastures— typically a new partner—and even though getting rid of him is ultimately healthier and better for you, it still stings. The sting of being rejected. The sting of not feeling good enough. The sting that no matter how hard you tried, it was never enough. While that has nothing to do with you, it is a difficult pill to swallow when they decide to pack it in and leave.”

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“Typical relationship books, they are about communicating more clearly, being more loving, and making time for your relationship. All of this is lovely advice, only if the other person is noticing or listening! Kierkegaard noted that “Love is the expression of the one who loves, not of the one who is loved.” The challenge is that when this expression is not met with any reciprocity, and in fact the opposite, it can be exhausting and demoralising. If you love more, then you will get more back. It’s not that linear, and while that may apply in a factory— work harder, make more widgets—it does not work in relationships, least of all with a narcissist. Personality patterns tend to be pretty entrenched—and the rules of rescue do not apply.”

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“In a healthy relationship, your partner is a great “dream-catcher.” However, when that unformed dream is laughed at, questioned, or belittled, it may not recover. Worse, you may scrap the whole idea. However, if there is one thing a narcissistic person cannot tolerate, it is being inconvenienced. Even just hearing about your bad day is an inconvenience. When you are in a relationship with a narcissist, it can slowly dawn on you that things work well as long as you are convenient.”

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“The indifferent filler can keep the conversation moving, without giving the narcissist a hurtful target. He or she will likely find ways to insert some negativism here as well, perhaps mocking your opinion, calling you out for not being knowledgeable about a topic, or even labeling you as “dull.” Smile serenely and carry on. Your narcissist does not realize the triumph—you just dodged a bullet and did not play out the usual old patterns. He may even be frustrated, since he can’t get the same reactions out of you, and may have to find a new psychological punching bag.”

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“It is appealing to think that once you survived it you will never repeat it. Be aware of your vulnerabilities and start looking for the qualities that make for a better long-term partner—compassion, kindness, respect, and empathy— rather than the flash in the pan qualities of charisma and ego. The risk of the narcissistic relationship is that it transforms you so profoundly and painfully that you feel that you are no longer you. Slowly over time you have cut off bits and pieces of yourself, so you feel as if you have lost your true self.”

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“It’s painfully simple but also challenging to execute because it requires a rewrite, a re-rendering, a reboot, and a reframe. And the best part is that it requires nothing from your partner—this is entirely within your control. It is the most unromantic piece of advice you will ever receive: Manage your expectations. Let go of the rescue fantasy. If you don’t, and you decide to stay, it will only destroy you, bit by bit. So now that you know the beast is never going to turn into a prince.”

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“When the world is supporting them, their needs are getting met, they do not think there is anything wrong anyhow, and they are unable to see, hear, or feel the needs of others, the likelihood of change is close to zero. The primitive and emotional nature of a close personal relationship means that the lack of empathy, the rage, the distance, the control, and the inconsistency have tremendous power in shaping the life and the inner world of a person in a narcissistic relationship. Close relationships can activate the best and the worst in us, but the deep emotional demands of an intimate relationship are out of reach for a person with narcissistic personality disorder.”

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“Avoid confusing compromise with negating yourself. The surrender that often has to occur in a relationship with a narcissist as “compromise” it can keep your submissive and fruitless behaviors and expectations alive. The red flags were made apparent within the first three months of the relationship. Everyone told me not to marry her or at least to wait a little longer. She was doing everything he had accused me of. Whenever she did not like how things were going, she would break up with me, and then take me back quickly.”

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