St. John Morris Books & Quotes

Source: The Bizarre Letters of St John Morris

“Next door to the Bensons is Emmet Frag, a retired pacemaker who is credited with inventing the notion of happiness. He’s currently working on a method for categorising ducks based on their singing voice. He’s also the owner of the world’s largest collection of tenor geese.”

Comedy Humour Satire Surreal Non Sequitur

Book:The Bizarre Letters of St John Morris

Source: The Bizarre Letters of St John Morris

“Next door but one is Quinlan Broddle, a Viceroy with a fear of gardens. So much so that he sold his garden to Virgin Atlantic and his erstwhile front lawn is now a runway where miniature helicopters and packets of crisps undertake sorties to 1940’s Dresden where they have made several dozen unsuccessful attempts to rescue the Quaker Oats man, who is being held captive by the SS on the basis that his hair looks like ice cream.”

Comedy Humour Satire Surreal Non Sequitur

Book:The Bizarre Letters of St John Morris

Source: The Bizarre Letters of St John Morris

“St John had always been a fan of the RS Turbo, mainly due to the colour coded rear spoiler and air vents in the bonnet, which distinguished it from the more common and less powerful XR3i.”

Comedy Humour Satire Surreal Non Sequitur

Book:The Bizarre Letters of St John Morris

Source: The Bizarre Letters of St John Morris

“He had also spent a day and a half without sleep trying to start an online petition to bring back the advert for Nationwide Building Society which said Dunroamin, twice, but half the through the second day of the campaign he had realised that it was an anachronism and the internet was about fourteen years away from mass consumption, so he stopped and went to sleep.”

Comedy Humour Satire Surreal Non Sequitur

Author:St. John Morris

“Oh yeah, well I suddenly realises that she’d only been with my boyfriend at the Co-op Christmas do when I were eighteen. So I grabs her head and I stuck it through a display of them Muller’s rices and I told her. That’s for shagging Kevin Cooper you stupid fucking cunt.”

Comedy Humour Satire Surreal Non Sequitur

Book:The Bizarre Letters of St John Morris

Source: The Bizarre Letters of St John Morris

“Had the facial plumage been of a paler hue it would have looked like a pile of horse crap on a winter’s day.”

Comedy Humour Satire Surreal Non Sequitur

Book:The Bizarre Letters of St John Morris

Source: The Bizarre Letters of St John Morris

“This particular event had been somewhat more raucous than usual as Derek Jameson had just lost an arm wrestle with Ann Diamond. The match was the second semi-final of the morning after Belinda Carlisle had been pipped at the post by Rusty Lee. Carlisle had caused some consternation after, upset at losing and forfeiting the chance to compete for the first prize of a quarter of midget gems, she had spat port in Lee’s handbag. Carlisle had been asked to leave and, after a brief tussle, had been ejected from the building whilst screaming and spitting in Simon Parkin’s face.”

Comedy Humour Satire Surreal Non Sequitur

Book:The Bizarre Letters of St John Morris

Source: The Bizarre Letters of St John Morris

“Eunice had deposited St John upon the balcony of the first-floor apartment of former Liberal MP, The Rt. Hon. Leonard Cossins, the disgraced Lord Mayor of Mitchell-Baines who had been removed from office having been caught administering counterfeit buttercup syrup to the local yeomanry whilst on a hunting trip to Stoke-Poges.”

Comedy Humour Satire Surreal Non Sequitur

Book:The Bizarre Letters of St John Morris

Source: The Bizarre Letters of St John Morris

“Beetroot Cossins had moved to Kuala Lumpur where she had died of lethargy and pie.”

Comedy Humour Satire Surreal Non Sequitur

Author:St. John Morris

“Her protestations were drowned out by the sound of Gordon Honeycomb barfing up aftershock into the kitchenette sink.”

Comedy Humour Satire Surreal Non Sequitur

Book:The Bizarre Letters of St John Morris

Source: The Bizarre Letters of St John Morris

“I once went to one of his Virgin Vie parties and had a really good time watching Chas having a paddy whilst trying to put on Dave’s socks, before realising that he only had two feet, compared to Dave’s three.”

Comedy Humour Satire Surreal Non Sequitur

Book:The Bizarre Letters of St John Morris

Source: The Bizarre Letters of St John Morris

“There was Arctic John, a businessman from Salisbury who doesn’t hold water, Bruce Knott, a social worker from Cumberland who spends his lunch hour picking his bum, and Judith Glycerine, the reformation pig.”

Comedy Humour Satire Surreal Non Sequitur

Author:St. John Morris

“Private Benjamin lives next door but one to Bob Cryer from The Bill. I once saw him crouching down behind a sycamore tree and using his nose as an Allen Key to release a starving rat.”

Comedy Humour Satire Non Sequitur Surrealistic

Author:St. John Morris

“Tobak Davenport, who is a cross between some Sugar Puffs and Lynn Faulds-Wood, was squatting there before being removed by the local constabulary after he went round to complain about Luther Blisset’s pet turkey fouling the communal herb garden.”

Comedy Humour Satire Surreal Non Sequitur

Author:St. John Morris

“A huge meringue with polio who drives everywhere in a beautifully restored Hillman Imp.”

Comedy Humour Satire Surreal Non Sequitur

Book:The Bizarre Letters of St John Morris

Source: The Bizarre Letters of St John Morris

“On the other side of St John’s house is a fake egg timer who can’t maintain an erection. He shares the property with a glossy beef burger called Tom, who has been painted by a seven year old magistrate in order to be entered for this year’s Miss East Lancashire competition. Next door to them is a Dundee cake with a lisp.”

Comedy Humour Satire Surreal Non Sequitur

Book:The Bizarre Letters of St John Morris

Source: The Bizarre Letters of St John Morris

“What have you got in there you little bastard?”

Comedy Humour Satire Surreal Non Sequitur

Book:The Bizarre Letters of St John Morris

Source: The Bizarre Letters of St John Morris

“You little prick. It's a whelk...it's a...it's a...dead whelk!”

Comedy Humour Satire Surreal Non Sequitur

Book:The Bizarre Letters of St John Morris

Source: The Bizarre Letters of St John Morris

St. John Morris Books

The Bizarre Letters of St John Morris

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