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Quote by Demetri Martin

“It's weird the way "finger puppet" sounds okay as a noun... ladies.”

Quote by Demetri Martin

Author

Demetri Martin is an American comedian, writer, and actor known for his unique and witty humor style. He is recognized for his sharp wit and satirical commentary, often performing in television shows, movies, and stage performances. Born on May 25, 1973, Martin's career began in New York comedy clubs. more

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“I'm in a weird position, because I like rainbows, but I'm not gay. So whenever I go out wearing a rainbow shirt, I have to put "Not gay." But I'm not against gays, so under that I'll have to put "... but supportive." It's weird how one group of people took refracted light. That's very greedy, gays.”

People Humor Light Funny Groups Position Gay Shirts Rainbow Greedy Supportive

Author:Demetri Martin

“A couple weeks ago I was on the street and I saw an ugly pregnant lady, and I just thought, 'Good for you.'”

Humor Funny Saws Week Streets Couple Ugly Pregnant

Author:Demetri Martin

“The thing about glitter is if you get it on you, be prepared to have it on you forever. Because glitter doesn't go away. Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.”

Ifs Humor Funny Forever Prepared Crafts Be Prepared Supplies Glitter Herpes

Author:Demetri Martin

“Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like, "Done, next!"”

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Author:Demetri Martin

“When they were naming the animals, somebody got lazy: anteater? What's it doing? It's eating ants. DONE!”

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Author:Demetri Martin

“When they were naming vitamins they must have thought there were going to be way more vitamins than there ended up being. OK let's name these: Vitamin A, Vitamin B... ok man slow down we've got a lot to cover here. B2, B3, B4, B5, B6, B12. Then they got to E and they were like 'We're pretty much done. We've got all those damn B's. This is embarrassing. Let's just skip to K and get the hell out of here.”

Men Way Done Humor Funny Names Hell Damn Embarrassing Slow Down Skip Vitamins

Author:Demetri Martin

“I saw a door that said exit only. So I entered through it and went up to the guy working there and said "I have good news. You have severely underestimated that door over there. By like a hundred percent."”

Said Humor Funny Guy Saws Doors News Percent Hundred Good News Exit Underestimated

Author:Demetri Martin

“I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word "dictionary", and it said "you're an asshole".”

Firsts Said Humor Funny Dictionary

Author:Demetri Martin

“When someone asks you the question 'Are you ticklish' it doesn't matter if you say yes or no, cause they're going to touch you. If someone asks if you're ticklish and you don't want to be touched you should something like 'I have diarrhea, now don't touch me cause you'll make it come out... and yes I'm very ticklish'.”

Ifs Want Should Matter Humor Funny Asks Causes Touched Touch Me Yes Or No Diarrhea Ticklish

Author:Demetri Martin

“This is the very perfection of a man, to find out his own imperfections.”

Men Perfection Philosophical Catholic Self Awareness Saint Imperfection Imperfect Perfectionism Perfectionist Hippo Perfection And Imperfection Being Imperfect Imperfect Man No One's Perfect

Author:Saint Augustine