“I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"” Quote by Tim Vine
“So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."” WantSaidHumorCareFunnyGuyStarsDon't CareI Don't CareShopsPetVinesAquariumsGoldfish Author:Tim Vine
“I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.” HumorFunnyRestaurantsDriversVolkswagens Author:Tim Vine
“I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."” SaidHumorFunnyDoctorsFrightenedVinesCholera Author:Tim Vine
“So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.” I CanHumorTodayFunnyRememberNamesMetsBlokesCrosswords Author:Tim Vine
“I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.” HumorTodayFunnyClubsLocalsBlokes Author:Tim Vine
“My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."” IfsThinkingSaidHumorFunnyPaidMates Author:Tim Vine
“This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."” WantSaidHumorFunnyPiecesPaperI Want YouPencilsPolicemenVines Author:Tim Vine
“So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."” GivingWellsSaidHumorFunnyTheatreMumAuditions Author:Tim Vine
“So I went to the Doctor's yesterday. He said, "What appears to be the problem?" I said, "I keep having this dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away." He said, "How can I help?" I said: "Break my arms."” SaidHelpingProblemDreamHumorFunnyBeautifulNightGirlBreakArmsDoctorsYesterdayPushingRushingBeautiful Girl Author:Tommy Cooper