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Famous Tim Vine Quotes
“One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out”
“Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.”
“I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.”
“I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.”
“I met this gangster who pulls up people's pants. Name's Wedgie Kray.”
“Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.”
“I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.”
“You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.”
“I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'”
“So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."”
“I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."”
“I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.”
“My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."”
“I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor.”
“I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.”
“I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.”
“Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.”
“Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.”