“I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.”
Quote by Tim Vine
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“I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'”
“So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."”
“I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."”
“I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.”
“My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."”