“This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."” Quote by Tim Vine
“So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."” GivingWellsSaidHumorFunnyTheatreMumAuditions Author:Tim Vine
“So I went to the Doctor's yesterday. He said, "What appears to be the problem?" I said, "I keep having this dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away." He said, "How can I help?" I said: "Break my arms."” SaidHelpingProblemDreamHumorFunnyBeautifulNightGirlBreakArmsDoctorsYesterdayPushingRushingBeautiful Girl Author:Tommy Cooper
“I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.” YearsHumorFunnyNextMonthsSauce Author:Tommy Cooper
“Two fish in a tank, one says to the other - you drive I'll man the guns.” MenTwoHumorFunnyGunFishesTanks Author:Tommy Cooper
“A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.” MenGivingHumorFunnyGuyWalksBarsShouldersLumpsPubsPintsAsphalt Author:Tommy Cooper
“I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.” I CanHumorFunnyWifeHairAtticsCobwebs Author:Tommy Cooper
“A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.” KnowsMenLongSaidHumorFunnyHavensHe ManLong TimeDoctorsIll Author:Tommy Cooper
“So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want', I said, 'I want to stay here'. She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window.” WantWellsSaidHumorFunnyDoorsBedWindowStuckBreakfast Author:Tommy Cooper
“Man went into a bar, he only had one arm. Guy sitting next to him said 'Hey, you've got your sleeve in my drink', man replied, 'There's no arm in it'” MenSaidHumorFunnyGuyNextArmsDrinkSittingBarsHeySleevesHey You Author:Tommy Cooper