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Quote by Lewis Black

“I had more material on weather than anyone else, I guess, ... back when I was traveling a lot on the road as a standup comic, between airport security and the weather... I just wanted to be prepared for sitting in the airport.”

Quote by Lewis Black

Author

Lewis Black is a renowned American comedian known for his sharp wit and incisive humor. Born on August 30, 1948, he has been active in the comedy scene since the 1980s, gaining widespread recognition for his unique style of humor that often tackles social issues and current events with a humorous twist. more

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“People go to Vegas, and they don't know what to do; here's what you do. You go to the casino in your hotel. On your arrival, you get $100 in quarters. Take that $100 back to your hotel room and stare at it for a long, long time. Why? Because you're never going to see them again. Then you take those quarters to the bathroom and you flush them, one by one by one. And the nice thing about that is that every so often the toilet will back up, and you'll feel like a WINNER!”

People Knows Feels Long Humor Funny Rooms Nice Long Time Winner Staring Hotel Quarters Bathroom Toilets Vegas Nice Things Arrivals Hotel Rooms Casinos

Author:Lewis Black

“The forces that are driving mankind toward unity and peace are deep-seated and powerful. They are material and natural, as well as moral and intellectual.”

Wells Force Peace Natural Powerful Moral Mankind Materials Intellectual Unity Driving

Author:Arthur Henderson

“Can somebody explain to me why Pepsi and Coke advertise? Are we missing something? Seriously, everyone in this room has drank enough Pepsi and Coke in their lifetime they could piss it for a week.”

Enough Humor Funny Rooms Week Missing Lifetime Drank Coke Missing Something Pepsi

Author:Lewis Black

“When they played, it wasn't music. It was the sound of chaos. I knew it was the sound of chaos because you could hear pigs being slaughtered. Women were weeping and men were gnashing their teeth, and there were sounds so horrible that I cannot repeat them to you, or you would flee from this room in horror!”

Men Humor Funny Sound Rooms Horror Chaos Horrible Teeth Repeats Pigs Weeping

Author:Lewis Black

“If I wanted to be bored by 6,000 pages of unreadable dreck, I'd read War and Peace four times.”

Ifs War Humor Wanted Funny Four Pages Bored

Author:Lewis Black

“Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"”

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Author:Lewis Black

“If you don't drink 56 bottles of water a week, scientists say you should take a garden hose at the end of the week and shove it up your ass.”

Ifs Should Ends Humor Funny Water Week Drink Garden Scientist Ass Bottles

Author:Lewis Black

“They've gotta stop reporting wind chill. That's nonsense. It really is. I don't know where they came up with it, why they came up with it, but it's a lie. They come on, "Well, it's 27 degrees today, but with the wind chill, it's minus 3." Well, then it's minus 3, asshole! I don't need to know what the weather was like if the conditions were perfect!”

Ifs Knows Needs Wells Humor Today Funny Lying Perfect Conditions Wind Degrees Weather Nonsense Chill Minus

Author:Lewis Black

“It was the coldest winter ever! I thought last winter was the coldest winter ever, but I was wrong now wasn't I? You see because I travel all the time. So last winter, I'd be in the midwest, and the blizzard would hit. And then I'd fly home, and the blizzard would hit again!”

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Author:Lewis Black

“Now, most of the time you couldn't be too sure of the quality of the drug. Although, in my experience the stuff was always of a very high quality, because back then we didn't have business majors peddling lower-quality stuff in an effort to increase profits.”

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Book:Nothing's Sacred

Source: Nothing's Sacred